ABOUT C.R.A.B.S. C.R.A.B.S. is a 16-team fantasy baseball league that is dedicated to making the world a better place for everyone through organic blue potato chips, switch-hitting and biorythms.  C.R.A.B.S. calls itself a friend to crustraceans of all races, creeds and colors, small penguins, and Lindsay Lohan.  C.R.A.B.S. is centrally located in a centrally located locale, central to all of the local locales around us.  No animals were hurt in the creation of C.R.A.B.S. and/or this website.  Ok, except for that one turtle back in '97, but that really shouldn't be held against us. C.R.A.B.S. HISTORY C.R.A.B.S. was born unto this world in the year 1994 AD, the same year that NAFTA, Tonya Harding and Lorena Bobbitt cut into our collective consciousness, amongst other things.  Starting off as a 5-team fantasy baseball league consisting of the Oakland Athletics (Martin Royston), Chicago White Sox (Derek Moore), Sacramento Giants (David Still), Indiana Hoosiers (Ben Gonzalez) and Scottsdale Hawkeyes (Michael Cook), the league barely resembled the 16-team fantasy Team Tennis league that it is today.  The five teams drafted players to fill out 26-man rosters in the first-ever C.R.A.B.S.' Soon-to-be-World-Famous-Free Agent Draft, which lasted about three weeks.  Soon after, it was determined that a schedule for a 5-team league was about as useful as the Executive Branch of the government, so it was tossed aside like a day-old Quarter Pounder, and the league drafted players from the remaining pool of free agents to form a sixth franchise, and this team became the Las Vegas Dust Devils (Which, loosly translated from it's Cherokee heritage means- "Franchise which is screwed over for at least 10 years because of the sucky leftover players on the roster").  Las Vegas was soon taken over by some guy named Steve. League play began on a warm March day in April, and 3 teams won their initial game in C.R.A.B.S. play.  The identities of these three teams has been forever concealed to protect the innocent.  Luckily, though- the information has also been lost, so the innocent need not worry too much.  We're pretty damn sure, though, that Las Vegas wasn't one of them.  The coincidental beginning of C.R.A.B.S. play, the Rwandan Genocide and Kurt Cobain's suicide are all completely related and entertwined incidents through a complicated series of interwoven, interrelated (And possibly interracial) events and relationships that is accurately depicted (If not categorically documented) in Michael Bolton's "When a Man Loves a Women", if you listen to it backwards at 45RPM.  Ollie North's attorney has suggested that that's all we have to say about that. The Oakland Athletics won the first C.R.A.B.S. World Series Championship just as Major League Baseball Players went on strike and Woodstock '94 opened, causing people across the world to collectively ask, "Why?".   In 1995- Which, by the way, was the first year of the International Decade of the World's Indigenous People.  Yeah, we're still trying to figure out what the hell that is ourselves- but to celebrate, C.R.A.B.S. expanded to 8 whole indigenous teams by adding the Maine Lobsters (Kelly Hull) and the Roseville Rowdies (Charlie Howard) to the fold.  In a rousing show of C.R.A.B.S.' indigenous people, the Sacramento Indigenous Giants won the second C.R.A.B.S. Indigenous World Series Championship. Before Nintendo64 was released, 1996 reared it's ugly head, and in a desperate attempt to expand, C.R.A.B.S. added the Davis Yankees (Kevin McCaffrey) and the Crabapple Surgeons (Owner of no fixed name), bringing the league to an almost overflowing 10 franchises.  Both teams sucked exponentially.  They were so bad, in fact, that C.R.A.B.S. would not expand again for another 8 years. Many teams would win the C.R.A.B.S. World Series over the next few years, although Las Vegas would not be among them, and the league saw owners disappear and franchises moving in the night, so much so that it often resembled Britney Spears' bedroom with guys coming and going at a moments notice.  Some staying for relatively no time at all. Once the 2003 season ended and the Scottsdale Hawkeyes won their second championship (Following back-to-back championships by both Sacramento and the formerly sucky Crabapple Surgeons), the league decided that a shakeup was in order.  On the ballot for a league vote that season was a choice between either the leagues' first expansion since the Crabapple-Davis debacle of '96, or accept the nomination of David Hasselhoff as the Official C.R.A.B.S. Entertainer.  The newly formed Bellmore Braves (Andrew DiChiara) and Long Island Bulldogs (Tom Ryan) could not get into the league fast enough.  Scottsdale won the World Series, their third overall, setting off a wild celebration which culminated in Hurricane Charley.  World Series victory celebrations are now illegal and punishable by the offending parties being immediately adopted by Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford. 2005 marked not only 'The World Year of Physics'- and who doesn't remember that?- but also, the twelth straight season that the drafted-from-retreads Las Vegas Dust Devils (Now the Devil Rays- like that fooled anyone) did NOT win the championship (Which went instead, tragically, to Crabapple).  Amongst the original six teams, Las Vegas and the Chicago White Sox are the only teams NOT to have won a C.R.A.B.S. championship- and with the knowledge that Las Vegas was made up of leftover gingerbread parts that nobody wanted, that makes the White Sox, the Official Losers of All-Time. 2006 brought Britney's divorce from K-Fed, and a C.R.A.B.S. championship to the newly renamed Raleigh Red Sox (The Roseville Rowdies in a former lifetime.  I believe it was Shirley McLaine's), the second championship in franchise history and the first championship since 1997 that didn't belong to Crabapple, Sacramento or Scottsdale.  The White Sox also were named the Official Super Losers of All-Time. Determined to have more franchises than Lindsay Lohan has rehab stays, C.R.A.B.S. added four new teams in 2007, the Atlanta Crackers (Rick Millimen), New York Knights (Kevin Rubitsky), Amsterdam Rugmakers (Nate Wood) and the Wild Maine Bull Moose (Rick Harriman).  In an incredible feel good story of fortitude and dogged determination- or simply a tax dodge- the Oakland Athletics returned to the championship level they had not known since the inaugural season of 1994. Everything old is once new again. Everyone go kiss a puppy. Now bloated to an ungodly 16-team, 2-division league, C.R.A.B.S. has now officially reduced the chances of the White Sox winning their first championship to 1 in 16, or about a 6% chance.  So, they're about twice as likely to win a championship as a condom is to fail completely. CONTACT US Look to the North Star, click your heels three times and say "There's no place like C.R.A.B.S., there's no place like C.R.A.B.S.  Lindsay Lohan is the mother of us all.", and we will be there.  Or try the GM Contacts page, your call.