C.R.A.B.S. Cakes with Ace Gumley

February 16, 2010

Ciao la gente di gusto! It is moi- the connoiseur of all fine things, the Kanye West of C.R.A.B.S. (lawsuit pending), the sugar in your Sugar-O's, Ace Gumley- back to be the stir in your drink, the hop in your step and the brake in your Toyota Prius. Well, since I last traversed these pages, quite alot has happened (Seriously, an Underpants Bomber?!?). The league squirted out four new babies- well, to be politically (and anatomically) correct- the league got knocked up with quadruplets that are due next spring. The Octomom's got nothing on these guys, babe. Then the league trotted out Swishy, fresh from rehab (I didn't even know they had a gay rehab. Thanks, Newt!) and if that wasn't bad enough, some mongoloid wrestler named Singe pretended he could 1) Speak English, 2) Predict anything more prescient than his next bowel movement and 3) Read. Now, that's alot of mess for me to clean up for $20, but let me give this a shot, starting- as Swish's protocol dictates- with the ass-end.

Singe Roidskowski. Roid-rage claims that Magglio Ordonez will be the 5th pick in the draft. This is the same 46-year old Ordonez that last season hit .273 with a whole 4 Kongs and 28 RBI. Now, I don't know alot of grandfathers that use their 27th season in the league as a building block for bigger and better things. Mag's lost his job in Chi-town last season to some guy named Nolan. Now, I got nothing against Nolan's as a whole- some say they make pretty decent pitchers- but, I say they don't beat out players who will be the 5th pick in the draft the next season. But that's just me. Sing-sing then went on to claim that Miguel Tejada would go to Chicago with the 7th pick. Hoo-hoo, I almost fell off my syringe when I saw that one. Tejada lost his job- and my syringe- last season to a guy named Scutaro. S-C-U-T-A-R-O. If you say it slowly, it rhymes- quite melodically- with the crowd chant in Scottsdale last season, "Oh sh*t, NOOO!". Now, I could go on and on tearing apart this mock (And, I say that sincerely) draft until Mark McGwire comes clean (Oh, wait!), but there are worse smelling fish to throw in the fryer here. Which brings me to....

Squish. Ahem, Swish. Whatever. A few years ago, this nugget showed up with his bedmate, Chimp or something like that, aiming to be the next C.R.A.B.S. columnist (Along with that walking Chlamydia, Cliff Costerchunk), but yours truly put them in their place and they haven't been hoid from since. Until, last week that is. Squish showed up- sans boytoy- and spewed some nonsense before coming up with a completely original idear that I hadn't seen the likes of since, oh.... last week- a Top 10 list of the league's best teams. Well, I got news for alla ya'll- the league ain't got 10 best teams! Regardless, Snitch went out on a limb and tabbed the Oakland Athletics as the league's best team. Now, I don't know if the limpwrister habitually lives on the edge, but anytime you pick the league's first 3-time defending champion as the league's best team, you've really opened yourself up for a fall! Probably not the first time he's opened himself up, though.....In his next column- if I may spoil the "fun"- I have it straight from Squirm's sources in the crapper, that his next list will suggest that 1) Breathing is good for your health, 2) Meteor showers can be dangerous and 3) You're gonna love his nuts! Ahem, his Slap Chop (Insert Liberace joke here). Needless, to say- I think you're good keeping your bookmark right here in Ace's able hands. If Switch and his minor-sidekick, Clump, or the neanderthal Swig show up again, well, I'm sure there's an ignore button somewhere here on this site. Pleeeeease tell me there's an ignore button on this site somewhere.

Now, if throwing that load of guano at ya wasn't bad enough- C.R.A.B.S. also decided to add four more teams to the trenches, starting in the year 2011 AD. I can hear the C.R.A.B.S. "braintrust" now...."You know, if we just had four more lousy teams, I think we'd be on to something!". I must give credit where credit is due, though- in a recent MSCSUSNBC-National Enquirer poll, the league actually showed an uptick in it's public awareness standings from last season. The league now falls right between the UFL, the WUFL (Women's United Football League), the LPWUFL (The Little People Women's United Football League) and party's at Mike Vick's house amongst sporting events that Americans would most likely attend. That is a big jump from last season when the league ranked right behind attending Liza Minelli Weddings. A longtime reader of this column (And who are we kidding, who isn't?), Chris Ann from Atlantic City wrote and asked me why the league was expanding by 4 teams. Chris Ann- who the hell knows? To be quite honest with you (And this is just between you and me. Insider trading inf-o-mation and all), I believe it's the league's attempt to become "too big to fail" so that they can qualify for a government bailout next year. Hey, I couldn't just make this stuff up! So, the league will now stand at 20 teams. Or, for those of you paying attention- that's 1 team, and 19 organizations with literally no chance in hell of ever winning anything, much less the love and admiration of their own mothers. This should, however, help to promote more competition in the league. Now, there will be 10 teams in the National League vying to lose to Oakland in the World Series. So, with that understood- a big welcome to the Blackstone Lion, Miami Marlins, Capital City Colt .45's and Virginia Bullets! All of you should now know exactly what the Christians felt like right before the Lions came out. First one to fourth place wins! I suddenly have a craving for barbeque sauce.

Alright, that's it for this week, o' friends o' mine, you is all caught up. I will be back shortly to try and address team needs as we head into the World Famous Free Agent Draft, and for fun, the needs, wants and desires of Lady Gaga. "Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh. I'll get him hot, show him what I've got"....I think that's the Swish theme song......

Until then,

Aces Everyone