C.R.A.B.S. CAKES

Yes Virginia, there is an Ace. And, he's here to give you the bestest Christmas present an economic collapse can buy- me! It's been awhile since I've graced these...errrr...pages- Frankly, my community service sentence was up, so I've been working on my Baywatch movie script. But, seeing as though my life savings was tied up in AIG stocks- here I am. Honestly, I preferred community service- at least you get a spunky orange vest out of the matter. Alright, so what's happened in C.R.A.B.S. while I was happily away....Oakland beat Scottsdale for the championship? Wow, did I ever really leave?? So, what is that, like five championships in a row for the Athleticos? Lessee, A-Rod, Howard, Utley, Hanley, Lincecum....Do I even really need to do this, or can I just show up again next year for the bailout?? Awright, awright. Since I have to, let's go through the divisions and see what's up. Afterall, we've only got three months until the draft.....

BUCK O'NEIL DIVISION

Arkansas Thunder Chickens

The T-Chickens moved back East from their longtime home in sunny Sacramento and before they arrived in Razorback-land, they apparently lost pretty much the entire team along the way. No, seriously. By my count they had like six guys on last year's roster that was with the team in 2007. Sooomebody musta left a door open on the Irsay moving van....Arriving at the home of the Chickens, the new management team looked around, saw Chipper Jones and not much else and said, "We must have Albert Pujols, Josh Hamilton and Kosuke Fukudome." And, so they had them. Then they said, "Can we give Fukudome back?" No, they could not. They did however, lead the league in hitting for the first time since 2003 with a nifty .286 average, led by Mr. Jones' league-leading .369 clip. They made up for it, however, by posting the worst-ever ERA in team history. 'Course, coming from a team that's had 7 Rube Foster Award winners and something like 26 ERA titles, that's not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, we're not talking Louisville-bad here, folks. After qualifying for the playoffs in 10 of the league's first 12 seasons, the Giants/Chickens (Or Giant Chickens if you prefer) have gone oh-fer-three since 2006, but on the bright side, they have moved on up in the standings, from fourth all the way to second. Going into 2009, we've got Pujols, Chipper, Hamilton, and a bunch of scraggly parts. The pitching is basically spittle and goo, held together by silly string. You think I'm kiddin', don't ya? I'd prove it to you, but I kinda want ta keep my lunch down, thank you. The Chicks have 6 picks (That's Chick Picks, you betcha) in the draft and sit near the middle of the first round at number seven. If I was them- and I ain't- I'd maybe trade the 7 pick, Chone Figgins and a bag of peanuts and see if they can move up in the draft and snag a real pitcher like AJ Burnett- if he comes to C.R.A.B.S.- or free up some cap space and try to sign LeBron James in 2010.

Chicago White Sox

Now, me and these Sox has a history. You see, every year that I pick them as my surprise team, they stink up the joint. Then the next year, I'm all puckered with 'em and choose 'em to suck baloney and they up and surprise. Now last season, I did expect them to win the division- but, have you seen this division? The '62 Mets could win this division. Today. And, they're what, 70?? Speaking of 70, the Pale Hose went out and won 70 games for the first time in their 15-year history, notching 72 of them W's to win their first division title since 2002. So, bully for them! Just to serve 'em right, I should predict an 80-win season for 'em! Awright, I'll play nice. The foundation of this team is purty much the same as always- Manny Ramirez, Magglio Ordonez, some other guys- but the Sox went out and got all smart and grabbed up some players that done really hepped them out. Aside from Ramirez having a nasty, illin', sick second half, second-year secondbaseman Dustin Pedroia was dang near the best secondbaseman not named Chase Utley. Corey Hart also played a big role, along with new third sacker Adrian Beltre and Andy Sonnanstine, who went a rather spiffy 12-4 on the mound. They've got to be the early favorite to win this Special Olympics-style division, but just to make sure, here's what I'd do. The Sox have piled up gobs and gobs of draft picks, including the 11th and 13th picks in the first round. I'd take two, maybe even three of them late round picks and ship them to Arizona for Jesus Flores. Otherwise, Ramon Hernandez is your catcher and you don't want that to happen. Now, if Jake Peavy comes into the league, I'd deal those two first rounders to Raleigh or Amsterdam and snatch up Peavy or AJ Burnett. So, with Peavy/Burnett pitching and Flores catching- and all of the rest of the guys back in the clubhouse, I try and grab a shortstop in case Yuniesky Betancourt plays a little too much like Yuniesky Betancourt, and then I head off to start clearing room on the mantle for my second straight O'Neil Division trophy. See how easy this is??

Raleigh Red Sox

This here is like 'The Towering Inferno', 'Earthquake', 'Armageddon' and 'Jaws' all wrapped up into one gnarly disaster. Is that thur an iceberg up ahead??? Please, please- women and children first....Eeeegad, man. From a 71-win, division title in 2007 to a measly 37 wins last season. That's a Wile E. Coyote-style nosedive. The 34-win dropoff in one season is a C.R.A.B.S. record. Probably. I can't stomach looking it up. Does it really matter??? Thirty four wins....That's more than New York won in all of 2007. So, Raleigh dropped a New York last season. Bright spots from last season? .................Oh, Kevin Youkilis had a pretty good season. Mark DeRosa played like he wasn't Mark DeRosa...........Ummmm, Johnny Damon hit .320....Jacoby Ellsbury and Michael Bourn stole a combined 64 bases...John Maine and Jon Garland pitched Ok.....Alright, that's it. There just ain't enough lipstick for this pig! So, what can be done for 2009? First off- head right on down to Washington and join the other schleps asking for a bailout. Awright, awright....What do we have to work with here....Garland, Maine and Clay Buchholz in the rotation...No, I mean- they ARE the rotation....Couple of retirees (Piazza, Todd Jones), couple of guys that should retire...Youk and Ellsbury. Oy. The Sox de la Red have all of their draft picks, including the first-ever first pick in C.R.A.B.S. history. Alright- first off, we trade the #1 pick. Get rid of that as soon as possible. Maybe we can get two number ones from the White Sox? If not- take a first and two second rounders, anything. Heck, take six mid-round picks! Just get some players in here, STAT! Barring a 26-man roster turnover, it looks to be another season in the gutter for the Raleigh-ers. Talk about 'Change we can believe in'....

Wild Maine Bull Moose

The two AL expansion teams from '07, both did something a little odd- they both got worse in their second season. The Moose did fare a wee-bit better than Amsterdam as they only dropped 4 wins in the standings (And actually moved UP to third place, thanks to the Raleigh's Britney-esque face plant). What went wrong in Wild Maine, you ask? Figures you'd ask. Ummmm well, besides Jermaine Dye enjoying his best season post-Y2K scare, there wasn't an awful lot that went right. After Dye's team-leading (And team-record, doncha know) 604 points, you have to take a Raleigh-style nosedive- 210 points worth- 'til you find the next Mooser, secondbaseman Freddy Sanchez at 394 points. That's probably the biggest dropoff amongst teams' top two players in all of C.R.A.B.S. last year. More or less. Centerfielder Willy Taveras did lead the league with 50 stolen bags, and young 'un Carlos Gomez actually showed a little sumthin'-sumthin' after comin' over from yonder in Atlanta. On the mound, John Lannan lost 12 games despite a peachy 3.87 ERA and Daniel Cabrera had some sparkler games after being traded from Arizona for a bag o' magic beans. Other than that, wasn't much happenin' on the mound o' pitchers. So now you're probably sayin', "Well, Ace- what does Wild Maine have to do to improve in 2009?" I really wish you'd stop askin' questions. Now, the Mainers got quite a bit to work with here- 13 overall picks in the draft and the third overall. 'Lessun C.R.A.B.S. gets some more free agents, Peavy & Burnett could be gone (Assumin' of course that THEY'RE in the league!), so unless there's a Johan Santana or Chase Utley nearby, I'd be dealing the pick. Pick up a couple of second rounders, maybe a third- come out with 15, 16 picks overall and make over this whole team, with just a couple of exceptions. I think I'd even look to see how many draft picks Adam Wainwright (Las Vegas), Josh Fields or Eric Byrnes (Arizona) might cost. Those teams should be looking for some picks- even late ones- so, a deal might be had. Bottom line- they could bring in Moe, Larry and Curly and still be up on the Red Sox...

Alright funsters, that's it for the O'Neil. Be sure to check back in with me next week or next year and see if I've been forced to write the Gibson Hot Stove gander. Until next time, fans, save my spot in the bailout line!

Aces everyone