May 12, 2011

Vaya corn dios, Jumbalayas, it's me- Ace- back once again (Near 1/4 of the way through the season-style), to heighten your C.R.A.B.S. IQ and....well, ok, that's about all. Probably won't help much on your resume, but you can always try to wow potential employers with some fun C.R.A.B.S. factoids. Or get a degree, your call. We stand at the precipice of the 38th game of the C.R.A.B.S. season- not quite the same breathtaking scenery as say, the Grand Canyon or even the 38th parallel, but ours is not to question. Ours is simply to write informational web-based soliloquies about a 3rd rate baseball league that dreams dreamily about attaining the same rabid fan base as that of the.....WNBA. 'Nuff said, let's take a look at what's happened over the first (almost) quarter of the season. (If you are a thirdbaseman, chances are you are currently in a hospital bed, so it may be wise to have a hot nurse read this to you)....


As for the standings lineup- eh, pretty much as expected. As for actual production, this division rates a flat F. And, I'm only giving them an F because that's the lowest grade I can give them. Personally, I'd like to make one up and then throw a minus on top. You've got Scottsdale on top of the division- yes, the Hawkeyes of the .239 team batting average (And that's only because they've raised it 20 points in the last week). You've got the Rays in second, despite the fact that they have absolutely no depth, no real thirdbaseman, no Chase Utley and not much of a bullpen. The NY Knights are about the only team in this division that can at least look you in the eye. Checking in at 18-19, only four back of the "leaders", the Knights themselves have even underachieved a bit (A league-worst .232 team average), but are still well on their way to their first-ever .500 finish. The other two here aren't even trying- I believe their ticket sales promotions center on "Come to the game- see who WON'T be here next year!". One thing is almost a doggone certainty not even 1/4 into the season, though- the NL Wild Card ain't comin' out of the Paige! Personally, if I were Commissioner Harbaugh, I'd make a rule change but quick to make sure NO playoff team comes out of the Paige. What poor Satch ever did to warrant his name being attached to this mess, I'll never know.

TREND- Suuuuuuuck.
FUTURE TREND- I can't even stomach the thought.


Now, this division sure isn't showing the four-horse race that we wuz expectin', but daaaamn, this is going to be a good race right to the end. 'Course, they're really only racing for homefield advantage because I think both Atlanta and 'Bama have done about clinched a playoff spot. That iiiiiis, if 'Bama can stay away from the injury bug that's bugged them the last couple 'o years. Atlanta's already been bumped and bruised and yet they just keep on cruisin'. And look what we have here in 3rd place- it's the Texas Thunderin' Herd, doncha know! Sure ain't nobody seen that one comin'. If only they were in the Paige, they could be runnin' away with that 'division'. Bermuda's been a tad too streaky to get a good read on- they started out of the gate well, and now they've fallen back and can't seem to get up. They probably don't have the horses to jump back in here- but they've shown they've still got some of the old Triangle flair. And when doesn't a Triangle have flair, I ask you. Next to the entire Paige 'Division', the Miami Marlins are the poster child of disappointment for C.R.A.B.S. in 2011. And when you're the poster child in a league full of disappointments, well.....I still think they've got too much talent to stay wehere they are. C'mon, Adam Dunn- Mr. 30 Homeruns, hisseff- has only 3 Jimmies and a .188 average? C'mon, Man!!

TREND- It's been a two-horse race. The other horses done been shot already.
FUTURE TREND- Could even be a preview of the NLCS. Ahhh, who am I kidding- this is a preview of the NLCS.


Ummmmm, well there's still one team (Chicago) that isn't down by double digit games. Ok, we all knew that the freshly dubbed Supahh Crocs would run away with this thing. I guess we all kinda hoped that at least someone might make things interestin' for a couple of weeks. We all hoped wrong. If my math is correct, the Croc's clinched the division just before last Christmas. Don't quote me on that, though. The Cubbies did come out of the gate rather quick and sat right beside the Crocs for about......ok, it seemed like about six innings. Now, they're leading in the battle for first runnerup. Me thinks they're going to need to get some more players to stay there, though. The surprise so far has been these little Beanheads from Bethel. No one really expected anything from these guys this year (Heck, Peter Gammons didn't even pick them to FINISH the season!), but here they are just a 'Nilla Wafer shy of second place and playin' purt' darn well. If not for a number of close, close losses, they could very well be Mr. Runnerup right now. The D-Backs are nippin' at their heels, in furious pursuit of the Cubs- in usual style, with about 620 transactions to date. In a wise move to save some money, team management decided not to put players' names on the back of jerseys so that they can just re-use the same old jerseys from departed players. Watching Sam Fuld playing in Jason Kubel's old jersey is a sight not many will soon forget, believe you me. It took two days before anyone realized that he had been traded to New York and wasn't just hiding in his laundry. Challenging the Marlins for the Disappointment crown would be the Cap City Colt .45's, who've just been shootin' blanks to date. After comingthisclose to finishing in second last season- and finally, FINALLY- adding some players to the roster after years of trotting Joey Votto out there all by hisself, the Colt's can't seem to break out of the Gibson gutter so far, despite hitting the ball pretty well. They've earned the 37-game raspberry.

TREND- Hmmmmm, could it be.....Sydney????
FUTURE TREND- All in all, Sydney really hasn't played that well and has a number of players injured. So, if they could go 28-8 through that, why would the next 83 be any different??


After the way the Paige has played this year, the O'Neil has lost it's title as The Joke of C.R.A.B.S. Shoot, no other division has as many teams in spittin' distance of .500, and no other division can boast five teams within five games of each other. As of right this minute, Maine is in the driver's seat with Cincy tryin' to nudge them aside- but that will probably change in the next day or two as every team except the virgin Bullets have sat atop this mountain at least once already. Sittin' a deuce back is last year's division champ, the Raleigh Red Sox, who have also spent the most time in first this year, but have recently realized that they're really not the best team in this division. The Chickens (Sorry, but as of this point they have definitely lost their Thunder), started ok, then seemingly forgot that the point is to actually outscore their opposition. Even with their near two-week lapse on the fundamentals of winning, they're still only four back and now have that Zack Greinke dude back at the top of the rotation. If the Bullets could actually muster up some offense to go along with their nifty pitching, they might actually find themselves moving up the ladder a bit. And, with this division in 2011, it sure seems like it's anyone's game.

TREND- The trend has been that there is no trend.
FUTURE TREND- Nothing, there is no trend, please keep up. It's going to be a 4- and possssssibly even 5- team race all the way. The Bell will be fun watching Atlanta and Alabama beat other into a tizzy all year, but that's going to be nothing compared to the dogfight that this division will be.

And that's C.R.A.B.S. at the 37-game mark. The Wild Cards come from the Bell and the O'Neil, Sydney repeats (again), and the ACLU petitions Commissioner Harbaugh to please leave any team residing in the Paige Division out of the playoffs. Just for making a mockery of the sport...

Until next time,

Aces Everyone