June 7, 2011

Helllooooooooooo! I'm all about having fun, dontchaknow? Get a couple of cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen, maybe go to Sea World, take my pants off. We can all have lots of fun in the life of the Swisher. So let's take a look around CRABS now that we've hit the half way mark of the season.

We have a few teams who are exceeding expectations, a few who are right where we expect them and about three Paige teams who are sucking more than Monica Lewinsky during her White House intern days. Let's see how the whole thing is shaking out.

Swish's Basement


20. Does it get much worse than Lancaster? Redundant, huh? Worst record and lowest point total in the history of gerbils.

19. The San Francisco expansion team is using up their grace very quickly as their suck value on a scale of 1-10 is Electrolux.

18. Just like Roy Hobbs' team, this New York team isn't nearly as good as the critics like to claim. The star is lame, the supporting cast is weak, and a glamorous finale is far more a fairy tale than the truth.

17. What looked like a U-turn to respectability in Texas, looks more like the fast track to another high draft pick. Just like they say, “Everything is bigger in Texas”, especially the suck factor.

16. The luckiest team in the universe resides in Chicago. They either win games by two points or lose by 42. Either way, the team hasn't done crap since they jumped out to a fast start in the first 15 games.

15. The product of being in a division of suckwads, Virginia is the fifth worst CRABS team and is only seven games out of the division lead. Just think what might be if there was some quality here.

14. The biggest disappointment in all of CRABS has to be Miami. This team had a busy offseason of trading for talent and high draft picks, then used those picks to get what appeared to be more talented players. All that talent appears to be working out about as well as drinking a Frosty with a straw.

13. The Beanheads of Bethel took over a lot of nothing and have done a great job of keeping the status quo. Actually, they are doing a decent job of keeping their heads above water, even if the sharks are circling.

12. How is a team with a losing record only six games out of first place in their division? Oh, Raleigh must reside in the O'Neil. Yes, that's where the division motto is “We all suck, we're just trying to suck the least.”

11. The rebuilding project in the Arizona desert is coming up very dry. Just like a cactus, there are a few blooms that are interesting to see, but the pricklies are covering up this thing.

Swish's Penthouse


10. If you look up mediocrity on Dictionary.com, you'll find the Arkansas logo there. The Thunder Chicks find themselves in the middle of everything CRABS.

9. The Cincinnati squad has remade themselves from their old White Sox form and the product is still good, just different. Of course, a trip to the playoffs will still result in the same ass-whooping they are accustomed to.

8. The once proud Bermuda franchise will not go down without a fight. They might be in a place where third place is a pretty good spot, but they aren't going quietly. The vets still have a lot of fight in them and they are showing themselves well.

7. The Capital City team has had more bad luck than Anthony Weiner's wiener. They sure score a lot of points each night and are in a division where they were playing for second place from day one. The record doesn't tell the whole the story, this team is legit.

6. The once wild Mainers are pulling all the right strings and the luck is going their way. Though they reside in a division of pure suck, the Bull Moose don't. A division title is seeming likely and so does a chance to get the Sydney Smackdown.

5. The defending champs came out of the gate very slowly as is their customary way, but the Scottsdale team doesn't seem to have the big time closing speed of the Hawkeyes of past glory. With this much talent around, they will have a say in who goes to the playoffs out of the Paige, but they don't look like the team who won it all in 2010.

4. The lengthy plane rides for road trips seem to be wearing on Sydney a bit. Though they are still the elite squad of the American League, the Super Crocs don't seem to be the dominators they once were. A trip to the World Series seems to be a done deal, but can they compete with the new juggernauts of the National League?

3. Though they are only four games out of the division lead, Las Vegas is clearly the superior team in the Paige. They have to pull out the division title, because a sixth straight Wild Card is out of the question. Some luck will be required to climb on top of the Hawkeyes.

2. The holes in the offense have been shored up and the rotation seems to be missing a Lone Ranger, but Atlanta is the second best team in their own division. The NLCS looks like a real clash of the titans.

1. With some quick fixes and a few breakthroughs, Alabama is the class of CRABS. They need to get healthy, but a playoff berth is guaranteed and a spot in the much anticipated NLCS is all but assured.

That's all for now. Catch me on the Ellen DeGeneres show this week where I'll be promoting the super boy bands joint tour: New Kids on My Cock meet the Back Door Boys. Hugs and kisses to you all!