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Helllooooo! Please, allow me to introduce myself- my name is Bob Poli, but everybody calls me Swish- and I'm joining the C.R.A.B.S. team this season to write and cheer on the National League! My brand new column-partner, Swede, and I are going to switch off (Too easy, fellas!) with that old curmudgeon Ace Gumley from time-to-time so that we cover every nook and cranny that is C.R.A.B.S. As for a little what-about-me, I was the yearbook editor at East Jefferson High, and have been writing feelance columns for GQ, Vogue and Teen People until being hired on here at C.R.A.B.S. With C.R.A.B.S. recent expansion to 16-teams, and the just-held expansion draft, my first job to tackle here is to review the drafts of the National League's two brand-spanding new franchises, New York and Atlanta. Let's just take us a look-see... NEW YORK KNIGHTS I just love, love, LOVE Knights, and trust me fellas, these Knights are no different! Following their first draft, New York fields a very balanced team throughout the roster. Looks like all they're missing is Roy Hobbs! PITCHING- The starting rotation could turnout to be suuuuuuper, as they may have landed an ace in Mark Mulder, a solid #2 starter in Adam Eaton, along with inning-eaters (Oooh, I like them already!) Tim Wakefield, Kameron Loe and Scott Elarton. My personal favorite in this group is the young Brad Hennessey, who could definitely turn this into one special, special group. In the bullpen, the Knights have recruited three former Scottsdale closers, Armando Benitez, Bobby Jenks, and Jorge Julio. Although Benitez is C.R.A.B.S. all-time saves leader, I think that young bull Jenks will assume the role in New York. He can assume any role he wants to as far I'm concerned. GRADE- A- INFIELD- With the exception of The Big Hurt, the Knights are a little light in brute force in the infield, starting the New York era with Brad Ausmus behind the plate, Scott Hatteberg at first and Craig Counsell at second. Not exactly Murderer's Row. Frank Thomas will start the season as the DH, but will likely see some time around the sack at first, and is undoubtedly the Knight's main source of power to date. My extra special pick for the infield is shortstop Clint Barmes, who had an abysmal year in Vegas last season, but if he can revert to his rookie season form, the Knights will be set at short. GRADE- C- OUTFIELD- With the first pick in the expansion draft, New York selected Mr. Milton Bradley, who has managed 300 at bats only once in five C.R.A.B.S. seasons. Maybe the Knights know something we don't, and until proven otherwise, this reporter will give them the benefit of the doubt. Bradley's outfield mates look to come in the form of a healthy Jay Gibbons and either Ryan Langerhans and Brian Anderson. I'm looking for Anderson to start playing like everyone said he would way back when. Frank Catalanotto will add depth to a potentially very good outfield. GRADE- B- OVERALL GRADE- C+. The Knights have a shiny rotation, but their decided lack of power will relegate them to last place in a tough, tough division. ATLANTA CRACKERS Now here we've got some prime Grade A beef, fellas! If someone were to rate all of the C.R.A.B.S. teams today, I'll bet this brand spanking new team would rate in the top Five somewhere. Probably around number five- but that's still top 5, Mr. Man! PITCHING- I've got this group rated ahead of about seven of the original teams in the league! You want a guy at the head of the rotation (And who doesn't want someone to head their rotation?)? Livan Hernandez or a healthy Mike Hampton could fill the bill. We could even go to Tony Armas, Jr. possibly or the youthful Brandon Claussen. Now, that's a Claussen to sink your teeth into! Grrrrr!! Seriously, the Crackers, 1-10, easily came out with the expansion's best rotation- and if that weren't enough for you, how about if we throw in the Oakland A's season record holder for saves- Huston Street, as the closer? Now, you're getting my drift, Cheeky Monkey. GRADE- A+ INFIELD- OK, so in getting 11 good pitchers- Atlanta had to give up something, and that my friend was any semblance of an offense. And, the start of that absence of semblance is here in the infield. Now, I'm not trying to say they are without talent, because Andy Marte is going to a stud soon at third, and Bobby Crosby would be at short, if he could ever stay healthy. Miguel Olivo was brought in from Louisville, where he had a good season backing up Jason Varitek. From there, Atlanta, we have a problem. Dan Johnson and Ty Wigginton could provide some serviceable offense at first, but the hole at secondbase is rather glaring. GRADE- C OUTFIELD- If there's a weakness in the Cracker lineup, it's right here, although there is still a chance for redemption. Brad Wilkerson and Jose Guillen have the best chance to be suuuuuper, but they've got injuries to overcome first. Ryan Church could prove to be a valuable backup, but if Jose Cruz, Jr. makes this squad, I'll eat Skeet. GRADE- D OVERALL GRADE- A-. With a Free Agent Draft half as good as this draft, the Crackers will compete for the NL pennant in year one. With that, Campers, I turn it over to my hot little friend- take it away, Skeeter!

Hey. My name is Swede. I'm here to like talk about, like the American League and (censored). To be honest with ya, I've never even heard of C.R.A.B.S. before Jim Harbaugh walked into the Skate & Surf last month. I'm more of a Roller Derby, WWE kind of guy, but whatever. My Dad told me I either had to like, write this column or work at The Greasy Hog, so at least this gig is somewhat grease-free, 'cept maybe for that Gumley dude. So, sometime recently, C.R.A.B.S. like expanded to like 16 teams and (censored), so me and Swishy are going to like tell you about it. So, like here it is. The American League, I mean. TEXAS FURY The Fury got like a pretty balanceable team from the expansion draft. It's not a team that relied just on pitching or hitting, but they just got like an even gob of talent all around. PITCHING- Texas has got like a decent starting rotation with dirty Kenny Rogers, Esteban Loaiza and Eric Milton as the main dudes. Ryan Madson is supposed to be pretty good, but Kirk Saarloos is just filler, man, like those bottomless fries at Red Robin. They did get a sick little closer in Brian Fuentes and a buttload of hard throwers in Kyle Farnsworth, Fernando Rodney and Fernando Cabrera. All of them can get it up to like 100, dude. GRADE- B, dude. INFIELD- The infield is basically kosher, except for like two positions, catcher and thirdbase. JD Closser was a prospect a couple years ago, but I wouldn't want to start a team with him as my catcher, and Joe Randa had a decent year two years ago, and he could be OK for a year or two, but, no. The other positions have like decent players that wouldn't be like a total embarassment. Sean Casey and Jhonny Peralta have both started for their previous teams and Ian Kinsler started for Oakland before he got hurt last year. This ain't a bad base to, you know, like start a team with. GRADE- Totally solid B OUTFIELD- Right here is like the total strength of the team. Barry Bonds by himself could make this a bodacious unit, even if he's only hit like 13 dingers the last two years, yo. It doesn't be stopping there, either- J.D. Drew and either Cliff Floyd or Luis Gonzalez could make it like a sick little outfield. Unless they make like drastic changes in the Free Agent Draft, it's these guys that will take them wherever they're going. GRADE- A for Ass kickin' LIKE, TOTAL OVERALL GRADE- B+. They could probably give Sacramento, like, a run for third right now. AMSTERDAM RUGMAKERS When I was first thinking Amsterdam, I was thinking an entirely different thing, Dude! Anyway, apparently this one is in New York which is like their third C.R.A.B.S. team, which seems like totally overkill, man. These "Rugmakers", whatever that means, have got a decent start, but they're going to need ALOT of help in the Free Agent Draft (Ed. note- the World Famous Free Agent Draft) to compete in the Gibson Division. PITCHING- The top part of the rotation is pretty solid, but a little old, if you know what I'm saying. Tom Glavine, Javier Vazquez and Paul Byrd should make a good 1, 2, 3, but I'm not sure if Boof Bonser and Brian Bannister are ready for the big time. When they get into like the sixth or seventh innings, though- these Amsterdamers can turn it over to a decent bullpen and (censored). Bob Wickman and Francisco Cordero have 58 career saves between them and Justin Duchsherer is the (censored) in the 7th or 8th inning. GRADE- Like, C+ INFIELD- The 'Makers did come away with the best catching out of the expansioners. Jason Kendall does the on-base thing, and Brian Schneider can handle the pop. The right side of the infield is just fine, know what I'm saying? Adam LaRoche hit 15 homeruns in just 119 at bats last season, so if you stretch it over 300 at bats, he would hit hella lot homers, dude. Ron Belliard will handle second and he will be more than OK, It's the left side where the (censored) hits the fan. Alex Cintron and Rich Aurilia just ain't gonna cut the mustard. That's just stupid. You can't (censored) cut mustard! Well, if you could, these two couldn't, if you know what I'm saying. Free Agent Draft, take me away! GRADE- B for the backstops, C for the left D- for the right, so I guess that makes it a C-. OUTFIELD- The outfielders in Amsterdam have alot of get-up-and-go, just not alot of bang for your buck. When Shane Victorino is your big power dude in the outfield, you know you've got problems. But, these guys can set the table with the best of them with Juan Pierre, Coco Crisp and Cory Sullivan. Crisp will probably be, like, the star here, even if he was bumming last year in Oaktown. Alot of speed and not a stitch of whomp. GRADE- C LIKE, TOTAL OVERALL GRADE- C. If the season started today, they could race the Cubs to 40 wins. Thank God for the Free Agent Draft (Ed. note- The World Famous Free Agent Draft). Well, that's the inside dope. Peace, out!