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Hello! This is Ace Gumley, reporting live from Folsom State Prison. Seems I got a wee-bit too close to Oprah last week, so now I sit here singing the blues awaiting my arraignment on stalking charges. It appears that last week’s strange happenings in C.R.A.B.S. were just that- strange unexplained occurrences (Whoulda thunk?) that had nothing whatsoever to do with government cover-ups, UFO’s, or even the lovely and talented Miss Oprah Winfrey- who really is as intelligent and generous as she is beautiful and forgiving. Well, from what Snake in Cell #3 tells me, week 6 in C.R.A.B.S. was pretty much like every other week. This team goes 3-3, this team goes 2-3, It’s Maine and Oakland in the NL, Roseville and ‘Vegas in the AL. Yada, yada, yada. When will someone have the balls to break from the pack!?! My new favorite to go all the way is Roseville, as my new cellmate Pino informed me that he has $200 riding on the Rowdies, and that if they don’t win it all, that my new name would be Bridgette. Let’s go Roseville! NATIONAL LEAGUE- Oakland and Maine have suddenly become the bobsey twins- one wins, the other has to win. It’s disgusting. Maine, as did most everyone else, checked in with a 2-4 week to keep pace with the A’s. This is thanks mainly to Cliff Floyd, who hit something like 27 dongs last week. This boy is (Here’s my new catch phrase I just made up- I learned it from Pino) EN FUEGO! Mike Hampton did the shutout thing, and is now the proud owner of an 0.91 ERA. Even Pedro’s jealous. With so much talent on this team, the only reason I can come up with as to why they’re not pulling away from everyone is that they are pacing themselves. In Oakland, the joy of being in first was tempered this week with the news that star firstbaseman Frank Thomas tragically accepted a teaching post in Australia, and will miss the rest of the season. Despite his promise to keep in touch through postcards, the A’s were shocked and stunned upon learning that their new starting firstbaseman is Rico Brogna. Oakland sought to ease the loss of Thomas by signing Craig Counsell, but sadly, it only made things worse. Joining the twins in first, the Davis Yankees are off to the best start in their 6 year history, but of course, a record barely over .500 is really not that impressive. Though, it could be enough to win this sorry-ass division. This team is showing that it will make some noise in the playoff race this year, as Ichiro Suzuki has been a force, and Johnny Damon is starting to show some life. When last year’s team MVP Jeff Cirillo comes back, the Yankee’s just might be the team to start pulling away. The erstwhile Giant’s are still in fourth (or second, I’m not sure), but yet, they’re still the league’s highest scoring team. That just tells me that they’re either playing the wrong teams at the wrong time, or they’re just a bunch of unlucky bastards. Why Ryan Klesko doesn’t play more boggles my mind. Every time he plays, it seems like he hits a couple of Johnnys. Go figger. Scottsdale is still in last, but you know, last in this division means only being 4 games out of first. But, in Scottsdale, them’s a loooong 4 games, poncho. The Hawkeye’s new television slogan, “We really miss Albert”, pretty much says it all. Saps. AMERICAN LEAGUE- The AL at least has a couple of teams that have the courage to get out in front. In first place is, I believe, the most talented outfit in C.R.A.B.S., and the eventual champion, Roseville Rowdies. Juan Gonzalez, Edgar Martinez, and Carl Everett are just too much for anyone else to handle. Personally, I think we should just cancel the rest of the season, and give the Rowdies’ the coveted Mike LaCoss Championship Trophy right now. Sooner, if possible. The Las Vegas Devil Ray’s lost their perch on top last week, as the Rowdies’ took over first- their rightful spot, I might add. Manny Ramirez is massively EN FUEGO, and is on pace to shatter the league record for points with 875. Ouch! All I can say is, I’m glad Mark McGwire ain’t around to help out, or my Rowdies might have had some problems. Their problems wouldn’t begin to compare to mine, though. Crabapple remains in third, and they’ve been one of the better teams over the last two weeks. If Phil Nevin can return from his bout with hemorrhoids, they just might push Vegas out of second. To see why Crabapple is scuffling around with a .500 record, look no further than last year’s team MVP Jeff Kent and superstar catcher Mike Piazza, who are sixth and seventh on the team, respectively, in points. Dave Burba meanwhile is 5-0, which once again brings up the age-old question, What’s a Burba? Hanging out in fourth, waiting for a chance to pounce into action, the Chicago White Sox might just be a team to keep an eye out for. A trade this week that sent backup shortstop Deivi Cruz to Indiana, brought in new starting secondbaseman Eric Young, to bring some much needed production to the position. The addition of Young, and the return of starting pitcher John Smoltz this week, could be enough to get the Sox back into the thick of things. Of course, being only 5 games out with 85 games to play, would probably already be in the thick of things. Maybe, they’ll be in the thicker of things. I can’t believe I just said that. I hope Pino can’t read. Rounding out the list, once again, is the Indiana Hoosiers. But, although they’ve been mired in last place all season, you have to admire their tenacity in trying to improve the team. Since the start of the season alone, they’ve brought in Timo Perez, Deion Sanders, and Deivi Cruz. Well, they’re trying at least. You just can’t help but wonder where they might be if they still had Manny Ramirez and Juan Gonzalez. If you’re not sure of who they are, just check out the league leaders in points. Yep, that’s them at number one and two. Ouch. Well, kids, that’s all for me, I’m on to bigger and better things. Gulp. Up ahead in C.R.A.B.S. this week, we find an Oakland-Maine showdown starting Wednesday, and that’ll be fun just to see how the twins both try to win or lose each game. Until then, please write former President Bill Clinton, and see if he has anymore pardons left to hand out. Until next week, Aces everyone…..Did I mention, ‘Go Roseville’? |