 WITH   ARCHIVES | |
|
Hello, and welcome to FANtasy Island, I’m your host, Mr. Gumley. I’m here to make your fantasies come true. Your first fantasy will have to wait. I have the tub of goo, the tongue depressors, the George Foreman grill and the fine corinthian leather, but I haven’t yet tracked down Denise Richards. Maybe she’s on the Love Boat, no? For your next fantasy, a review of C.R.A.B.S. shortened week 16, let’s begin shall we? The week that followed week 15 (And, conveniently preceded week 17), was a shorter than normal week, due to C.R.A.B.S. annual 3-day layoff in observance of the memory of the actual inspiration for the birth of C.R.A.B.S.- ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’ television show (Thank God someone had the foresight to nix Sacramento's plans to have all their players dressed in ‘Daisy Dukes’.) But the week was not short on news and happenings. Well, OK it was, but my contract says I have to write a column anyway. We saw the usual movement in the standings, some player movement (A league record 6th trade!), along with an ungodly bowel movement by yours truly. But, I digress. Let’s get on with your fantasy, my dear guests. My car, Tatoo! NATIONAL LEAGUE- The Davis Yankees once again laid claim to the top spot, replacing the erstwhile leader,the Maine Lobsters. The Yankees did it the old fashioned way- by winning games. Something about 9 other teams, I know of, should learn how to do. But, I believe, the Yankees may have made the deal that will ultimately result in their first post-season berth. No, they didn’t sign up for a Tony Robbins seminar (Though, it’s not a bad idear.), they acquired Ellis Burks from Indiana for $24 and some trinkets, to give themselves their first legitimate DH since the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius. This club is now without weakness. Having said that, I now fully expect them now to fall completely apart. Jumping up to second is the venerable Oakland Athletics and their dynamic duo, Batman Bonds and Robin Gonzalez. If the A’s could bring in a somewhat talented corner infielder, I’d say they would have the best shot at the second playoff spot. But, with Kevin Brown’s uncertain status, I don’t think the team can overcome the lack of production from Rico “Riddler” Brogna or Olmedo “Joker” Saenz. Where have you gone Frank Thomas(-o), Oakland turns it’s lonely eyes to you. (Woo-woo-woo). After those two this division just goes cuckoo, as the three-headed hydra we here at C.R.A.B.S. lovingly refer to as Maisacdale. The Maine Lobsters slipped back into a tie for third (Or is it fifth?), despite the fact that they are on a roll unlike any seen in C.R.A.B.S. for at least two weeks. Guerrero, Giles, and Floyd have carried this team through the season-long slumps of Edgar Alfonzo and Tony Batista, the season-ending injury to Jason Varitek, the whole Whitewater shenanigans and the sudden month-long dreadful pitching of supposed ace Mike Hampton. Can they continue to carry the load? Will Batista-Alfonzo-Hampton regain their stature? Will the aliens ever return Bert to his home? And, if they do, will he still have the power of invisibility? Trying to stay out of “Scottsdale” despite the loss of Saint Pedro, the Sacramento Giants have struggled, losing their recent series to the Hawkeyes, and now having split two game against the Yankees. If I were to pick one team from the NL to count out, it would be Sacramento. They’re too old, too hurt and too short on guys named Pedro, Chipper, Stumpy and Pokey. Desperately trying to climb out of the gutter, the Scottsdale Hawkeyes have actually been one of the league’s better teams of late to enter into the tie for fourth (Third? Fifth?). The starting pitching, led by Mark Mulder and Jamey Wright, has been fantastic since the release of loadstone Osvaldo Fernandez. Hell, even Paul Wilson has his ERA below 9.00! The Hawkeyes, in fact, are so downright giddy about their recent play, they’ve even begun to print playoff tickets. OK, they’re printing them for Davis, but they’re still printing them. AMERICAN LEAGUE- The two-time defending champion Crabapple Surgeons retained their first place position, increasing their lead to two games over runner-up Las Vegas. I believe it’s official, the Surgeon offense has finally awoken, and I fully expect them to sail into their third consecutive postseason. Unless they fail to qualify, if that happens I don’t think they’ll make it. Dropping out of the first place tie after losing two straight to Crabapple, the Las Vegas Devil Rays are still looking good for the postseason, despite playing so-so the last week and a half. Mark McGwire homered after a lengthy slump, which is always good news for Vegas, and Bartolo Colon gave up less than 7 runs in his last outing, another good sign. This team has good talent throughout the lineup, but they still rely way too heavily on Manny Ramirez, which of course is better than relying on, say Delino DeShields. When Ramirez is on, they usually win, when he’s not, they don’t. Luckily for them, he’s been on more than off so far. Holding at third, the Chicago White Sox are still trying to end a long slump that took them out of first place three weeks ago. Injuries have taken their toll, as the Chisox have lost Jay Buhner, Mike Bordick, Pat Hentgen, John Smoltz, Esteban Yan, Mark Grudzielanek, Leonardo DiCaprio, Gerry Cooney and the cast of ‘Cop Rock’ for periods of time throughout the season. It’s either that or the fact that I predicted them to go to the playoffs about three weeks ago- about right when the slump began. That’s right, it’s all about me, isn’t it? The falling star that is the Monterrey Aztecs plummets further and further from first. Not having enough pitching will do that to a team. But, they make up for it by not hitting. I guess we should all be marveling now, at how long the Aztecs actually stayed in first. If they get back in the race, I’ll eat a bug. The team that’s been out of the race the longest, the Indiana Hoosiers, has been the team working the hardest to get back in the race. The total number of players shuffled on and off their active roster now stands roughly at about the approximate population of New Guinea. The latest arrivals are OF’s Terrence Long and Marty Cordova, who should both prove to be positive acquisitions, if they stay around long enough to introduce themselves. This team now has only 8 players remaining from last season’s squad, six of whom played on the team’s 1996 World Series champions. Next week the Hoosiers plan to invade Puerto Rico and annex them as a farm club. Round up the plane, Tattoo, our guests are ready to leave. I’ll have to get back to you when I find Miss Richards. Coming up this week on the Big Show, C.R.A.B.S. begins it’s final all-out NL vs. AL battle (The highlight being Las Vegas vs. Davis), and then it’s all divisional play from here on out. Next week in this very column, I will discuss the final rounds of divisional play and I’ll have statistics, projections, a slide show, and maybe Dom DeLuise. Until then muchacho’s, Aces everyone…. |