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Greetings everyone, the light in your life has returned. It's me- Ace Gumley- and this week folks, we have a special guest. You know him, you love him- you can't live without him- It's Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, the Iraq Information Minister! We got him before Vegas even! Let's not quibble over firsts, let's get on with it! SACRAMENTO GIANTS- The G-men are basically threatening to run away with this thing, aside from their recent freakish 3-game losing streak, no one seems able to beat them. The scary part is- apart from Helton, Walker and Damian Moss, no one here is really on their game- yet. IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER SAYS- The have obviously been modeled after the supreme Iraqi Republican Guard- they are unbeatable and will crush all Infidels. HOLLYWOOD STARLETS- I realize the Starlets are still hanging around .500, but I'm getting the feeling this could be their year. The pitching has been fan-freakin-tastic and just look at our little Tony Armas- He's all growed up now! Once they light Ichiro's fire, they should wave goodbye to .500 and the rest of the NL pack. IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER SAYS- Typical. You American's always wait for the foreigners to do all the work so you can reap the success. SCOTTSDALE HAWKEYES- They've yet to put two good games together back-t0-back, and that's probably not overly surprising. The bullpen's still getting rocked and Giambi hasn't shown up, but how 'bout that Hank Blalock? The kid's been hitting the snot out of the ball, and in typical Hawkeye fashion- they platoon him! IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER SAYS- I know where Giambi is. He came to Baghdad and was slaughtered with the rest of the Infidels. Although, none of them actually made it into Badhdad- it was more on the outskirts, kind of in a suburb... OAKLAND ATHLETICS- Barry Zito finally won his first game- something that still eludes Randy Johnson- with a brilliant shutout of Hollywood this week. Unfortunately for the A's fans, Zito seems to be the only one turning the corner, even though the A's did escape the NL cellar. You've got three camps here- the Good (Bonds, Zito, Danys Baez), the Bad (Frank Thomas, Eric Hinske) and the Ugly (Randy Johnson, Dmitri Young). When all is said and done, though, I know I wouldn't want to be playing them when they starting turning it around. IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER SAYS- Typical American journalism. Blow sunshine up your ass. They lost. They're defeated. They put their tails between their legs and under their skirts and run home like little school girls. LOS ANGELES LOBSTERS- Apparently, it wasn't the Emmy's that were boycotted by worried stars, it was the Lobster's- and the boycott was from their own players! This pitching staff just could be...no, I still can't bring myself to talk about it. It's just too painful. Well, I may have been wrong about this team having enough firepower sans Brian Giles, cuz just them Cliff Floyd popped a werble and then the whole offense came apart. Jose Hernandez, Tony Batista and Todd Walker have been great, but they can't seem to overcome the....um....well, you know. IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER SAYS- This is typical of the Americans. One goes down and the rest just fall apart sobbing like little babies for someone to rescue them. Such a pity. Why can't they be more like the French? CHICAGO WHITE SOX- Up, down. Up, down. Chicago and Crabapple have been doing a little first place two-step for the last week with everday bringing the other one bobbing up in first. Chicago's brightest lights thus far have been last season's biggest disappointments- Moises Alou and Tino Martinez, both of whom rank in the top 10 statistically. And Magglio hasn't even woke up yet! IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER SAYS- Moises, Tino, Magglio. All foreigners! Of course, the best players are all foreigners! How come no one drafted Andy Abad? CRABAPPLE MANIACS- Again, you've got to hand it to these guys- just thin of how they could be doing if Griffey and Nevin were healthy. Griffey, though- could be back sooner than expected- possibly inside of three weeks. Interesting stats of the week: Carl Everett has exactly three basehits in 2003- all homeruns. And finally, Jamie Moyer still has yet to lose a game as a member of the Maniacs. In fact, dating back to last year when they acquired Moyer from New England, through 5 starts in Crabapple, Mr. Moyer has yet to give up a run! Thirty innings- no one's scored!! And the spritely 40 year old is just beginning! IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER SAYS- Pathetic American Press, always going for the sappy, feel-good story. You're all under the influence of Oprah! INDIANA HOOSIERS- With a win on Saturday, the Hoosier's could have been in first place. It's the end of the world as we know it. Everybody's contributing to this little engine- Snow, Durazo, Ellis, Furcal, Long, Bellhorn, Piniero, Hell- even Ausmus. This may just be a really good start, but they've been solidly consistent. Keep an eye on them. Or don't. IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER SAYS- Consistently slaughtered, you mean. Blathering on about a third place team. In Iraq we have a name for third place teams- the deceased. LAS VEGAS DEVIL RAYS- This team hasn't played worth a crap in 10 days, and I'm not sure where the blame lies. I mean, no one's pulling a Giambi- but no one's doing a Helton, either. It's more like the entire team has settled into a nice, relaxing Juan Pierre. Every few games they might score some runs and surprise you, but mostly they're just here. This team has too many weapons. They've been hanging out with Oakland too long. IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER SAYS- In Iraq, if you finish in fourth you will be forever remembered. Because your skull will be on display outside of the stadium. NEW ENGLAND SNOW BALLS- First they take 3 of five from Chicago, then they get swept by Indiana, only to come back and split the first four games with Las Vegas. It's obvious to me, the Ball's only get up for the Big Teams- they get bored with the Little Fish. And now, they have Mo Vaughn! The power has returned to the Northeast. IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER SAYS- Ah yes, Mo. He is one of the only good things to come from the Infidels. Mo and his brothers Larry and Curly. That's my show this week kids! I should be back next week, and maybe we'll bring the Iraq Information Minister back with us. It's either him or Idi Amin. Until next time, Aces everyone! |