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Hey kids, remember me??? It's been quite awhile (Mid-season '03 to be exact) since I rode this free range, but I'm back- ready to give you entertainment-starved folks the bidness. You might remember (Of course you do) in my last column that I mentioned C.R.A.B.S.' on-going financial difficulties. Well, soon after that article, my column was pulled, beeee-cuz C.R.A.B.S.' CFO MC Hammer said they couldn't afford me. Or as he put it, "Yo, Gumler, ain't got no jack- ain't got no show". I didn't know what the hell that meant, so I just left. Well, here we are in 2004- Hammer's gone, and suddenly poppin up all around C.R.A.B.S. is advertisements here, advertisements there. Look here at my column, I've got some smiley-ass bastard trying to sell male enhancements!! When I find the mealy-mouth sales cretin that put that here......Anyway, I guess whatever had to be done to get me back is alright, eh? The old ends justifies the means. So, here I am ready to preview your 2004 C.R.A.B.S. season! As soon as I figure out who the hell Bellmore and Long Island are and what in the hell is a Federal League? Ah, so this is what a Federal League is....I recognize most of these teams- there's Chicago and Vegas from the old AL, and here's Sacramento from the NL. I'm still not sure what in the hell a Bellmore is, though. Let's figger it out together! LAS VEGAS DEVIL RAYS- Now, I've been on this bandwagon before, so I figger I might as well ride it out, till it gets me somewhere. Last season I picked this team to go to the Series, only to watch those damn White Sox come in and steal the show. And my cash!! Basically, this is your grandfather's Devil Ray's with a few minor tweaks and twitches. The major players are all back (Chavez, Ramirez, Jones, Huddy, Colon) except for closer Kazuhiro Sasaki, who was accidentally left behind on an All-Star trip to Japan. Replacing him will either be rookie Justin Speier, or veteran Bob Wickman who just recently had his arm re-attached. My question here isn't so much if Vegas is going to take the division, but more like by how much. Them's just too well-rounded. And I have just gots to see this kid Reyes play. The overall balance of this team- they've got the hitting (Ramirez, Chavez, I-Rod), they've got the pitching (Huddy, Colon, Byunh-hyun-hyun-num-mum Kim). You've got to be on your game to take them out of a series. I can't pronounce half this team's names! Whether it was Kazuhiroshima Sasazaki or Byunh-dum-sum-a-lun Hun Kim, or Yorbit Torrialbasocks, I can't figger out who the hell these kids are! Whatever happened to Spike Owen!?!?! Here's your very first Federal League champion. Where they go from there who knows? No one's explained the damn playoffs yet. CHICAGO WHITE SOX- My entire life revolved around the fact that when you expected the White Sox to win- they lost. And when you expected them to face-plant, they won. Then last year came along, and they won- and they didn't stop won-ing until the Series. I guess my new philosophy- thanks to the Sox- is to expect the unexpected. Any other year, I'd have said they couldn't win this year cuz they won last year- and I'd a been right. Hell, this year they'll probably go all the way. Who the hell knows anymore? First they take Sex and the City off the air, now I can't even count on the White Sox being the White Sox. But, they sure damn near look like the White Sox. Except'n for that new young shortstop, Bobby "Stop calling me Cal" Crosby. He's going to be a fun one to watch. Again, I'm going to have to go with balance. There's just not one piece of this team that sticks out over another. Now, this team doesn't have the frontline talent of Vegas, or the depth- but I think they proved last year that they've got enough. There's no backup here for Randa or Crosby. What're they gonna do if they go down? Trot Frank Thomas out there? Well, hell actually- I'd pay to see that! Second place, behind Vegas- fighting for the Wild Card spot. If there is a wild card spot. Would somebody please tell me what in the hell the playoff format is???? SACRAMENTO GIANTS- They couldn't possibly miss the playoffs two years in a row could they? They could, boychick. Most of these guys have been around since the horse-and-buggy road trips, so how on Earth can they make it through another year intact? Now, I know everyone's been predicting their demise since about the time 'The Simpson's' debuted back in '58, but c'mon on now- they've got to start showing their age sometime! Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine have slipped, David Wells is gone, Royce Clayton is back.....Ohmygod, Royce Clayton is back!!! The end is near, the end is near!! Repent!! They've still got primo run producers in Todd Helton, Chipper Jones and the ever-healthy Larry Walker. Pedro Martinez is still one of- if the THE- best pitchers in the league, John Smoltz is an ungodly closer, and Royce Clayton....AAAAHHHHHH!!! Their shortstops look like some new Jim Carrey movie, 'Old and Older'. My God, you can't tell me there wasn't anyone else left in the draft. Lou Boudreau wasn't available? I don't see them in the same talent level as Vegas, so they're going to have to fight the Sox for second and a shot at that elusive wild card spot. If everyone (Yes, Mr. Walker, that means you, too) stays healthy, they could do it, but I really don't think there's enough Geritol left in the world to accomplish this. I've got them nailed for third. BELLMORE BRAVES- Ahhh, so this is what a Bellmore is. You know, this isn't half bad! I haven't seen an expansion team this good since those old Roseville Rowdies won 70 games and the AL crown back in '95. They've got talent around the field, some good young prospects in Matsui, Kearns and Dunn (Can anybody say 'Triplets"? I knew you could..), and a pretty good pitching staff. You know, in the AL, I think they might make a run for it- but not here. This league is too talented. But, hey- thanks for playing! We'll see ya'll next year! Them thar Triplets is going to take this team to whatever heights it will reach. I can't ever remember a team bringing in three new, young players- of this talent- at one time. This could be fun to watch. It only took 11 years of C.R.A.B.S. play, but finally, something fun to watch! Anytime you've got Rey Ordonez, Deivi Cruz and Brandon Inge all on one team, there's going to be trouble. Well, not for other team's pitching staff's, mind you.... It's too early for them to pull off a Roseville. They've got good, young talent, but I don't think they have the full-blown stars yet. Check back in a year, but until then, they could give the Giant's a scare, but I think they'll probably end up right here. That's my show this week kids! As long as Smiling Bob says so, I'll catch you soon with my review of the newly retooled American League! Oh, boy! Until next time, Aces everyone! | |||