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Hola, Ace-keteers, it is I- the sleek and magnificent Ace- back to put a spring in your step, a smile in your heart and a paycheck in my pocket. Spring has sprung, and the C.R.A.B.S. season is finally in swing after a chilly winter of Steroids and Surreal Life reruns. Unfortunately, I’m not sure which is worse. As we approach Opening Day 2005 (That’s #12 for C.R.A.B.S, if you’re keeping track- and you better be, cuz I’m not), Commissioner Jim Harbaugh announced the league’s first steroid suspension as Chicago’s noted bigman, Alex Sanchez has received the negative notice of his positive results. I’m no doctor, but I don’t think that’s good. From this reporter’s perspective, I’m not surprised in the least that the first positive test would come from the Windy City. The Sox have long been rumored to be the most juiced team this side of German Female Olympians- they’ve flaunted their cartoon bodies each year in the form of Sanchez, Joe Randa and Omar Infante. They’re not called the Juice Sox for nothing, folks. Enough with the Canseco wannabe’s, though- I’ve only got a short time here- I’ve got to do an in-depth review of the Pope Replacement Candidates (PRC’s) for the Papal Fantasy League (PFL), so let’s get this preview show on the road….. SCOTTSDALE HAWKEYES- Going for the first 3-peat in league history, the Hawkeye’s added some talent through trades, but whiffed big in the draft (Termel Sledge?). The same corp of dudes returns, this time with Marcus Giles playing second and…. yeah everyone else is pretty much the same. Except of course for Giambi, who seems to have shed- oh, about Omar Infante- over the winter. If they stay healthy, they should cruise to the division title, but I think they’re going to have some trouble in the postseason. ACE DECREES- FIRST PLACE, NATIONAL LEAGUE OAKLAND ATHLETICS- Am I crazy picking a fourth-place team that won only 54 games to finish second? Bite your tongue, pickle-bender, The A’s may have yanked the hose last year, but they did that without the Big Unit. The only other year they’ve played without Unit? Yeah, they won 46 games trying to defend their only championship. Average wins with the Unit? 67. So, guess what? The Unit’s back in town, and the A’s are back with him. Unless Bonds misses the whole year, then forget everything I just said. But, hey they’ve got Carlos Beltran! ACE DECREES- SECOND PLACE, NATIONAL LEAGUE LOUISVILLE REDNECKS- Over the last couple of days, Rednecks’ management (I’m not sure if it’s Billy-Joe or Billy-Bob), did some shoring up in the rotation department, signing the likes of Denny Bautista, Mike LaCoss and Fergie Jenkins. If the staff holds up (No Big Unit jokes, folks, this is almost a family publication), they’ve got the hittin’ to contend. If the staff done blows up, they’ve got some wonderful Garlic Chitlins at the ‘Ol Redneck Stadium down south, so come on back now, ya hear? Curt Schilling starts the year on the DL with an owie, but the Rednecks are going to need him to start about 95 games to steady the rotation. I’m not holding my breath for a Scott Elarton renaissance. ACE DECREES- THIRD PLACE, NATIONAL LEAGUE LONG ISLAND BULLDOGS- How they finished in second last year is still a puzzle to me- almost as much as the appeal of Eminem. This is Blue Collar Team here with 26 no-names and nowhere to go. Alfonso Soriano played so well last season, that apparently management didn’t feel he fit in with the rest of the mediocres, so they dealt him to Bellmore for David Hasselhoff and an angry dwarf. The sad part is, they might be the favorite if God liked them and put them in the American League. If this team is in the race come July, I’ll eat Verne Troyer. ACE DECREES- FOURTH PLACE, NATIONAL LEAGUE BELLMORE BRAVES- Now see, this is what you do when you makeover a team. You replace the Wally Pipp’s with Lou Gehrigs’, not the other way around. The Brave one’s followed up last season’s suh-prise Wildcard berth by going out and getting Alfonso Soriano, David Wright and Jose Guillen, among others. They gots pitching, they gots hittin’, they’re- dare I say it? Unstoppable! Now, one through four, I say this is the toughest division in C.R.A.B.S. (Granted, that’s like being the toughest Care Bear), but I really can’t see anyone of the other three keeping this team out of the top spot come August. ACE DECREES- FIRST PLACE, FEDERAL LEAGUE SACRAMENTO GIANTS- I had to pick the Giants this high, cuz they just remind me of my beloved grandpappy, Crash Gumley. ‘Course, he’s younger than most of the Giants players…..Maddux, Martinez, Smoltz and Glavine return for their 43rd season together- I’m beginning to think they’re the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. But, then I remember how much Maddux looks like the Beav all growed up. Anyway, Sacramento somehow made it to their fifth World Series last season, despite the fact that half the roster collects Social Security. I know we’ve been saying this since the late ‘50’s. but the ride has to end sometime, folks! I’m going to give them a little respect and give them second, but they ain’t getting’ in the playoffs again. Probably. ACE DECREES- SECOND PLACE, FEDERAL LEAGUE LAS VEGAS DEVIL RAYS- I had me a tough time deciding between Vegas and Chicago, because they sho’ looks the same to me! The Vegas Rays seem to have a little more name recognition in the pitching department, but other than that- I’m telling ya’, they’re twins from different mothers. Potentially, the team has almost everything to challenge Bellmore (Except maybe a decent Designated Hitter), but they never seem to be able to get over the hump. Bret Boone had an off-year in 2004, Carlos Guillen was having a career-year and he was exchanged for Orlando Cabrera, Dye’s still not quite the old Dye……I’m wonderin’ if it’s almost time to break up the old team, and trade Chris Webber….um….I mean trade somebody. Other than someone having a careeer-year. Someone like Paul Konerko, cuz he hasn’t even really had a career. ACE DECREES- THIRD PLACE, FEDERAL LEAGUE CHICAGO WHITE SOX- The juicy Juicers. How else do you explain Eric Byrnes’ hitting 14 homeruns last year? Or Ron Belliard hitting 38 doubles. Personally, I think they should just suspend the whole team- and part owner Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now typically this team does the exact opposite of what everyone expects, so coming off of 49 juiced wins last year, I’m expecting them to be suspended and relegated to playing in the XFL by May, so that means they’ll probably win the championship. ACE DECREES- FOURTH PLACE, FEDERAL LEAGUE, FIRST PLACE NATIONAL JUICE-OFF COMPETITION CRABAPPLE MANIACS- They ain’t so much in the throwin’ department, but man alive can these Maniacs hit! Look at that lineup- Suzuki, Garciaparra, Kent, Casey- and now Adrian Beltre and JD Closser. They’re going to have to win games 14-12, cuz about as good as their hitters are, their pitchers are about as bad. Well, maybe not bad- just certainly not good. If your title hopes lie on Tim Wakefield or Joe Kennedy, I’m thinking you got problems. But, man can they hit! In a real division, no pitching might hurt you, but in this division, that’s just considered quirky. ACE DECREES- FIRST PLACE, AMERICAN LEAGUE PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES- I’m going to step out on a limb here- these guys were right in the thick of things talent-wise (We’re talking the AL, here), until the wheels fell off the wagon last year, but adding Sammy Sosa, and some of those other guys they added (It’s not like I’m going to take the time to look it up), I think they’ve got enough firepower to come in second. That is unless the pitching falls apart- and trust me- it’s held together with spittle and goo, so it just may. Even then, though, it’s not like they’re playing against any real teams here. The St. Mary’s Catholic School for Disabled Girls could finish second in this division. In fact, I think they did last year. ACE DECREES- SECOND PLACE, AMERICAN LEAGUE NEW ENGLAND SNOW BALLS- They’re on the upswing- as they’ve improved in the win department the last three seasons, and they improved their pitching staff with the likes of Freddy Garcia and rookie Noah Lowry, but…..I don’t think so. You’ve got Ty Wigginton or Mike Lamb starting at third, Aaron Miles at second, and the entire Roman Army from the movie Gladiator in the outfield. Add them all together and they’re not going to produce as much as Crabapple’s backup groundskeeper. Give them another year. And another 12 good players. ACE DECREES- THIRD PLACE, AMERICAN LEAGUE ATLANTIC CITY GAMBLERS- Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Hoo-hoo! Where do I come up with this stuff? Mighty and American League in the same review! Oooh, I’m a hoot. Yes, here’s me predicting that the defending American League champs will bring up the rear this year. That’s what happens when your ace is Mike Hampton, Aaron Boone’s your thirdbaseman and Matt Holiday, Matt Stairs and Kenny Lofton are in your outfield mix. This team can be summed up in just one little ‘ol word. Yuk. ACE DECREES- FOURTH PLACE, AMERICAN LEAGUE aka SIBERIA That’s how I sees it, so that’s how it be! Well, I’m off to the Vatican- go ahead and place your bets now- I’m going with the Italian! Until next time, Aces everyone! | |||