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G'Day, my little Ace-kateers! 'Tis I, the great and wonderful Ace, back once again to warm your hearts and tickle your fancy, dialin' 411, and lining my pocketbook with a cool Andrew Jackson. It's March- or so they tell me- and that can only mean one thing- yes, it's time for March Madness, but lucky ol' me gets stuck with C.R.A.B.S. Again. But, it looks like another exciting season (OK, on the excitement scale, it rates right behind the release of Kevin Federline's hot new album) and our 8 teams are raring to go! Ahem, right- 12 teams. Well, four I could probably say haven't been ready for about six years, but that would just be mean! Who am I kidding? Mean's my middle name! So, I was given the option of previewing each team before C.R.A.B.S. 13th season or interviewing the stars of the Chicago Cubs. Well, I couldn't find any stars on the Chicago Cubs, so on to the preview!!
OAKLAND ATHLETICS- Now last year was supposed to be a rebuilding year in lovely, downtown Oakland, so the A's brought in some 14 year old kids and let 'em have at it. Well, I'll be gall-durned if they didn't finish tied with the third best record in the league! Unfortunately, the two teams ahead of them also reside in the NL, so Alex and Boys II Men had to sit out the postseason. Which was probably good, cuz it was past their bedtime. But, I say my friends- I am here to say that this is the year of the return of the Athletics! After missing the playoffs 4 of the last 6 years, management got fed up and jettisoned Randy Johnson, Barry Bonds and Luis Gonzalez and replaced them with Josh Beckett and.....some other young kids who I don't remember right now. But, they're talented, trust me! This is the greatest collection of young talent under the age of 16 since the Brady's. But, this is the year they starts growing up.....ACE DECREES- FIRST PLACE, NATIONAL LEAGUE SCOTTSDALE HAWKEYES- Their two-year run as champions came to a crashing halt in the first round against eventual champion Crabapple (Now Berlin), but the Hawkeye's do return basically the same team they've trotted out since the Flintstone era. Whether that's good or bad at this point is up to you. Scottsdale got burned last year by some injuries in the outfield and some downright putrid play down the stretch, so the good folks in the front office shored up that problem by drafting bigtime stud Pat Burrell. And then they traded him. For some French dude, no less. Well, who needs an outfield anyway, right? Other than plugging Frenchie in for Preston Wilson and shoring up the bullpen, this is the same team that finished third overall last year. Who would want to mess with that kind of success?? ACE DECREES- SECOND PLACE, NATIONAL LEAGUE LOUISVILLE REDNECKS- Now, there's been lots of whining from the Louisville folks 'bout how I dissed them last year and picked them for third. Well, boo-hoo, babies- I'm going to do it again! Now, the Rednecks did jump out from behind the tree long enough to log a team-record 72 wins and qualify for the playoffs long enough to fall flat on their face in the first round, just like fellow NL'er Scottsdale. Pathetic. Now, maybe they're just taking baby-steps, qualifying for their second playoff berth in 11 seasons, and now they're ready to take the big step. Or maybe not. Curt Schilling should be able to pitch more than the 16 pitches he threw last year, and the team brought in Carlos Delgado to look real big around firstbase, but this is still basically the same team that chumped out come money time last year. So, unless 70-year old Jamie Moyer decides to win 20.....ACE DECREES- THIRD PLACE, NATIONAL LEAGUE CHICAGO CUBS- The team formerly known as Hopeless is now just mostly bereft of talent. The bright folks at C.R.A.B.S. allowed the new owners of the former Bulldogs to come in and promptly move the team into the same city as the White Sox. Nice. Like Chicago can support two teams. Anyway, as Long Island last season, the team played an exhibition game against Tori Spelling and lost 14-2, but after changing 250% of their roster, the newly dubbed Cubbies at least hope to make it a game in this year's rematch. There's some new talent in this year- Matt Morris, Vicente Padilla, some Venezualan shorstop guy, and a couple other nameless, faceless foreignors, but this team has as much chance of competing as the little retarded kid on American Idol. Best hopes for this year is to take Tori into extra innings, don't get no one hurt, and maybe persevere. Of course, there ain't no awards for perserverin'! ACE DECREES- FOURTH PLACE, NATIONAL LEAGUE That's how it unfolds in National League- check back with me in two-and-two, for a special look at the Federal League! I can hardly stand the excitement! Until next time, Aces everyone! | |||