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I'm free, I'm free, Lord help me I'm free! I'm back from my one-column lame-ass suspension, much to your pleasure and enjoyment. Apparently calling the little retarded kid on American Idol retarded, didn't quite sit well with Tipper Gore, so the steroid-hounds turned their heads my way for an instant and called for a week's vacation as a reward. And, let me tell you- Zanesville, Ohio is beautiful this time of year! But, I'm back now- trying to clean up the mess Borkey Panarky, or whatever the hell his name is, made of this column last week. "The Federal League, home of 3 World Championships and blah, blah, blah!" Who cares!!!! Hell, three teams in this division almost made the playoffs twice in the last seven years! Match that, Ponorky! Anyway, I don't want to keep you from any real insight too much longer, I just hope you've been able to forget about the mindless rabble that went on last week. My deepest apologies. And now, on with some intelligent rabble....
BERLIN BARRACUDAS- After losing the World Series in 2001, then then-Crabapple Maniacs dove off the face of the American League, and didn't reappear until sneaking in their third championship last season, once again perfecting their specialty- bumbling around for most of the season and then get hot the last 4 weeks of the season. Coming into 2006 as defending champs on a new continent in the world's weakest division, you'd think all they'd have to do is don't do nothin'. So, the newly christened Barracudas went out and shored up their weak-link (Catching) with Japan's resident backstop stud, Kenji Johjima, and brought back this tall guy on the mound- his name is Randy Johnson, you can call him the Big Unit. Jason Isringhausen is the new king in the pen, and the team's best closer since Danny Graves and Hoyt Wilhelm shared the duties in '58. There ain't no qualms here- they're the defending champs and they is stronger than last season. That's what we call- one that even Barney Pokorny could call.... ACE DECREES- FIRST PLACE, AMERICAN LEAGUE PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES- When we last checked in with Philadelphia, Terrell Owens was our happy tour guide and the Phil's were trotting out a team that was a little over the hill in the early '70's with the like of Sammy Sosa, Kirk Rueter and Pedro Astacio. It was cute. Kind of like when the 4-year old whips out Grandpa's World War II hand grenade at the Thanksgiving table. Now, alluvasudden the Phil's are trotting out players who can actually hit, like Ryan Howard, Chase Utley and Pat Burrell. The big pitching addition- Adam Eaton- will have to wait until July for his Philly debut as he strained his finger learning the Philadelphia salute. This team should be able to keep up with the Barracudas at the bat, but as hard as it is to believe, their pitching probably isn't quite up to snuff. I know, I know- how could I doubt a staff full of Nates, Gavins and Fernandos- sometimes you just gotta go with your gut!! Last year's second place finish was the highest this team has ever dreamed of finishing before- and I'm saying they reclaim their previous heights- with an outside- OUTSIDE- like, outhouse- outside- chance of possibly almost making a run for the Wild Card. ACE DECREES- SECOND PLACE, AMERICAN LEAGUE RALEIGH RED SOX- The former New England Snow Balls got all dried up and moved down the road to Raleigh. That's North Carolina for all of you Geologically challenged peeps. Those lucky Carolinians- after losing the Hornets, and suffering through Rae Carruth, now they got to deal with a team that ain't sniffed the postseason since 1999. The new Millenium just ain't been kind to these kids. To try and reverse the tides of suck, the new Red Sox management went out and signed secondbaseman Placido Polanco. Now, I coulda swored he was one of the 3 tenors, but they're telling me he can hit a little. Maybe if they could bring some of them 'N Sync kids in to play the left side of the infield, they'd be onto something. By and large this is the same team that went 56-64 last season, so unless this is the year that Tomo Ohka suddenly turns into Godzilla, I'm thinking the best hope here is a third place finish, no major injuries and no murder conspiracy trials for any of the players. Now, that's what I call success! ACE DECREES- THIRD PLACE, AMERICAN LEAGUE ATLANTIC CITY GAMBLERS- After winning the division (Don't get excited- it is the AL here), in 2004, the Gamblers came crashing down to last place in '05, just like some smart prognosticator said they would. Yes, it was me!! Hee-hee!! Now, we're looking at a team that has qualified for the playoffs once- ONCE- since 1998. Between Philly, Raleigh and the Gamblers, that's one post-season appearance in the last 7 seasons. You'd think that one of the sucks could rise up once in awhile and win the Sucks Division!! The Gambler's look a wee-bit different this season, cashing in Richie Sexson for a new right side of the infield in former Athletics' Nick Johnson and Tad Iguchi. That's basically a wash. The outfield's the same- the pitching is a hair- a tad- a tad's hair- better than last year, so with all this being the same, how could I say anything different?? ACE DECREES- FOURTH PLACE, AMERICAN LEAGUE There you go fans, a real pre-season preview, by the one and only pre-season previwer, Yours Truly. Check back in here at some point, I'm sure, for more entertainment than you can shake a stick at. Until next time, Aces everyone! | |||