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Holy Christ! When I left C.R.A.B.S. (In my dreams, anyway) last season, it was this quaint, pathetic little league of 12 uninteresting teams. Now, I come back- with no raise, mind you- and I find that I now have to write reviews on this not-so-quaint, pathetic little league of 16 uninteresting teams. Aye Carumba, Man! I'm not so sure this is worth $20 anymore. Alright, alright- for those of you not sure what the deal is here- and, if you don't, your lives will never be the same again- trust me- Unlike the two lesbian lovers that reviewed the expansion draft, this right here is the official annual (I think this is like number 22 for me) review of the C.R.A.B.S. World Famous Free Agent Draft, provided to you by me, a true prognosticator extraordinaire, not to mention one helluva dancer. And, by World Famous, they really mean that nobody really gives a s*%&. So, they bring in a professional such as me (Not Laverne & Shirley like before), and I spruce everything up and make it look like a real league that people should care about. Yes, I lie. The name is Gumley, Ace Gumley- and any success that C.R.A.B.S. has achieved in it's 14 years of existence is due solely to moi. So, right here and now, I'm going to begin my annual review with the newly formed Buck O'Neil division of the American League, made up of former Federal Leaguers Sacramento and the Chicago White Sox, The American League's own resident league champion Raleigh Red Sox, and the expansion Texas Fury. I can hardly keep my girdle on through the excitement. CHICAGO WHITE SOX- Let's just start off alphabetically speaking, in the good old Windy City with La Hose de la Pale. That's White Sox for you ignerts. The Sox here needed to fill in some positions (We here at Braintrust Central thought having a firstbaseman might be a good idear), grab some pitching, and generally add talent. I mean, I like Alou- who doesn't- but, the man is 63 and does pee-pee on his hands. Ordonez is decent, and I like the Ramirez trade last year, but this team just needs a little extra oomph- specially since they're now in the same division as the reigning champs. So, the Chisox go out and draft 3 players. That's it- 3 and out. They're still 4 players short of filling out their Opening Day roster fer cryin' out loud! So, I know what you're thinking ol Acey's going to give them an 'F'. Hold a second there, Crackuh', I'm not travellin' down that road just yet, Comprade. The three players they gots- are actually pretty good players and they all fit a need, right here in the Windy City. Prince Fielder is the son of former Indiana (That's Atlantic City now for all you fresh, nubile newbies out there) firstbaseman Cecil Fielder, and this kid is a just a slice off his ol' Dad. A big, huge ol' slice. This Fresh Prince of Chicago will play first (Told ya that would come in handy) aaaaand he's gonna add a little of the star power I done said they needed. He's a gonna fit in nicely between Ramirez and Ordonez. Speakin' of outfielders- and I was- Chris Duncan was brought in to back up the Geezers in the outfield (Wasn't that a Disney movie?), and while he may make Ramirez look like Griffey, Jr. defensively, he should add a long poke here and there and provide some thump and a whole lotta needed youth to this group. Lastly and finally, the Hose added Ian Snell to the rotation- now, I like the pick, I like Snell- there just needed to be about 2 or 3 more Snell's added into the mix. So, to boil it down for the simpletons- I like the Three Amigos, they served a need. It's just the need called for 4 more players. Minimum. ACE HAPPY- Fielder make Ace happy. He was the perfect choice for this team. If Pujols and Derek Lee aren't available. ACE SAD- Only 1 pitcher? Did the White Sox' draft team actually watch the team last season? Well, I did- and I still have nightmares. OVERALL, ACE SAY- C-. I should give them a lower rating, but I really think the Fielder pick will be hailed as a genius move- maybe even as something so incredibly lofty that ol' Ace woulda done it hisself. RALEIGH RED SOX- Hey, Raleigh fans- you won the World Series last year, and now you want more?? Greedy little bastards! Well, you become the first team ever to overcome a 3-1 deficit and win the World Series- how much could you need? Well, some pitching would be nice, I'm a little concerned about how well these guys can hold up again (I mean- we're not sitting here in the pansy-ass American League anymore, buddy. Well, I mean, OK- we are, just not the same 4-team pansy-ass American League that they were in last year), and I'd say maybe a thirdbaseman would be a good idear since Mr. Youkilis will probably slide across the diamond. So, basically Raleigh went out and drafted the sort of numbers that Chicago should have been drafting- 15 players in all! That's only 7 players short of Chicago's roster! Unfortunately for Raleigh, there's not a lot of strength in these numbers. Of the 6 pitchers drafted, only 3 may be of any help this season- John Maine and possibly the undead David Wells. Mike Gonzalez is a decent addition to the pen, after the team switched rookie closing sensation to a starter in the off-season, but I don't really care about that. Julio Lugo was the big money boy for the champs, and I expect he'll probably take over for longtime shortstop Omar Vizquel- because how do you reward a longtime contributor- By dumping his butt!- while Mike Lamb and Mark DeRosa will add some welcome depth and versatility. They're versatile at adding depth. Sounds like I'm talking about the Pointer Sisters (Oooey and Goooey) from the Expansion review! Looking for some outfield depth, Raleigh apparently took a wrong turn to the diamonds and ended up scouting the local Retirement Home and came away with Sammy Sosa, Dave Roberts and Shannon Stewart. No word yet if their contracts cover Depends purchases or not…..But, this draft was about talent, maaaan, T-A-L-E-N-T. And, the Red Hose came away with parts. Parts is parts. And, it looks like Wilson Betemit is your starting thirdbaseman. If you say Aramis Ramirez- I say Raleigh's got themselves a Division Title. You tell me Wilson Betemit and I'm not even talking to you no more. ACE HAPPY- Ummm……Hmmmmm…..Ok, I'm going to say…..No…..ummmm…..You know, I'm going to go with John Maine, even though I think they may have paid too much for him. So, this one only makes Ace kinda lukewarm happy. ACE SAD- David Wells, Shannon Stewart, Sammy Sosa, Dave Roberts- Lordy, the team raised their average age by 10 years with this draft! OVERALL, ACE SAY- C-. I'm not really a fan of this draft- but, they did fill out their team, so at least they won't have to fill their roster with Unemployment recruits like Chicago. SACRAMENTO- You know- I'm beginning to think this division didn't understand the whole draft idea. The American League lives on!! The Giants are coming off of their first non-winning season. Ever. They are 12-0-1 on winning seasons. But, I guarantee you, that model of success ain't be built on drafts like this. As with most of the other teams in this sad division, the Giants drafted for need, filled most of them and that's about it. Blahhhhh. Now, Sacramento needed some outfielders like BAD (Where have you gone, Larry Walker…o. I guess Paul Simon knew what he was doing…), and I mean B-A-D. So, in comes Jacques Jones and Geoff Jenkins. Not B-A-D picks. Just picks that I would've liked a whole lot more like 5 years ago. We're not talking long-term solutions here. The pitching staff was rounded out with a lot of ho-hums - Shawn Estes, Shawn Hill (Kudos to the Giants brass for being the first team ever to draft two Shawn's), and Rafael Soriano. Again- decent, but certainly not happy time. Needing someone to give AJ Pierzynski a blow, of course- the Giants brought in not one, but two starting catchers, Ronny Paulino and Benjie Molina. (Sigh). Can you say trade? No- that's a four letter word in Sacramento! I did like the BJ Upton pick- he may not have a real position, but the kid should hit at some point, and let's face it- if he sticks at third, Chipper Jones ain't getting any younger. In fact, in another year, he'll be ripe to be drafted by Raleigh. ACE HAPPY- BJ Upton- did you not just read what I wrote??? Jones and Jenkins should help this year, but Upton will be one you remember 5 years from now. I mean, if the league hasn't crashed and burned by then. ACE SAD- Remember what I said about talent? Where's the Beef???? If it weren't for Upton, I'd say that Scottsdale ran this draft. OVERALL, ACE SAY- C-. I'm not really a fan of this draft- but, they did fill out their team so they won't have to fill their roster with Unemployment recruits like Chicago. Wait, didn't I just say this? TEXAS- Ahhhh, our first expansion team- isn't this just cute? What would an expansion team need most- ummm, talent? Well, you're in for a treat here, buddies, cuz this expansion team did bring in some talent (Chicago, Raleigh and Sacramento should pay heed). Now, just like the other three teams in this sorry ass division, Texas did leave some holes uncovered (Not Chicago style, but somewhere in between Sacramento and Raleigh), as their outfield resembles a spinoff of The Bold and Beautiful- The Old, Decrepit and either just plain Injured, or loopy on Steroids. We call it TODIS for short. The infield is also almost completely free of anyone to come off the bench (Why fill up your roster with pesky reserve players, when you could use that space for useful things….like former Baywatch star Carmen Electra!). But, the pitching staff- all 17 of them now (Yes, almost the entire count of Chicago's TEAM)- did get some major help. Thems a looking likes a trading in the offering to ol' Ace! Now, they had quite a few needs as I mentioned, but they certainly did need some help in the arms race and they came away with an ace, Carlos Zambrano, and a couple a good, young 'uns in Jason Hirsh, Robinson Tejeda, Thomas Diamond and Luke Hudson. Now, if they can just deal some of them for some help elsewhere on the field! Now, the Fury didn't COMPLETELY ignore the rest of the team as they did manage to snare their starting catcher Josh Bard and their starting thirdbaseman Scott Rolen (Provided he can beat out the retired Joe Randa!!), but they come away without ANY backups for any of the infield positions, and remain a few sprains or twists away from being outfielderless. But, all in all, this was definitely a Buck O'Neil division draft. And, no- Buck O'Neil did not deserve this. Maybe we should rename this the Rodney Dangerfield Division. ACE HAPPY- I'm going to have to go with Zambrano here. The Fury got a real-to-goodness, dyed-in-the-wool, bring-the-house-down, cat-got-your-tongue, finger-in-your-eye, Number 1, Numero Uno, Nummer Ein, The Big Enchilada, The Ace (Not me- the pitching kind. Dork). And, that's something that all tiny, little expansion teams should have. ACE SAD- I like the idea of trying to improve a part of your team, but when you ignore every other aspect of your team, it just makes you look silly, stupid. And, if I said I said it once, I've said it a million times- Don't do drafts silly, stupid. OVERALL, ACE SAY- C-. I'm not really a fan of this draft- but, they did fill out their team so they won't have to fill their roster with Unemployment recruits like Chicago. With some trades, the Fury could turn out OK- they've definitely got the trade bait, but overall this draft was just like everyone else in their division. Ok, but it's kind of like kissing your sister. If your sister is Rosie O'Donnell. Oooh, that just really gave me the shivers. Much like this draft did. Please Calgon, take me away! After this mediocre draft, I'm going to try and get out of my contract. But, in case I'm not successful, I'll be back in a couple of days with the Cool Papa Bell Division. Where's Johnny Cochran when I need him??? Yours in giggles, Ace | |||