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Yes, it's me- your favorite Master of Ceremonies, the Li-Li-Light of Your Life, Mr. Entertainment, Ace Gumley. Back once again, I'm afraid- by contract, not choice- to review the third of the four C.R.A.B.S. divisions, this time the lucky one being the Josh Gibson Division of the American League. Hoo-wah. AMSTERDAM- Ahhh, look right off the bat, I get another expansion team. These things are so cute, just like Pamela Anderson when she first got her Bojangles enhanced. These little Rugmakers actually didn't have a bad little squad even before they participated in this little draft. They didn't come away with any Pujols, but they did fill some holes (Nice rhyming!), and did come out with a couple of guys that could actually be players. Josh Barfield was the first newest Rugmaker, and while he wasn't exactly needed- when you have Grudzielanek as your secondbaseman, you've got to start planning for his 65th birthday and retirement party right away. So, they bring in this Barfield kid, who's Daddy used to be a big yanker for Toronto back in the 80's when I was a kid. So, if the apple ain't be fallin' far from the tree, the little Rugmakers have probably gots themselves a good secondsacker for the next 10 years or so. They won't be so little then. Now, the guy that I'm really excited for (If I can use excited and C.R.A.B.S. in the same article) is outfielder Rocco Baldelli, who reminds me a whole heckuva lot of Joe DiMaggio. Only he's still alive. Now, if the Rock can just stay healthy- which is about as likely as Rosie O'Donnell letting you have the last doughnut-the Rugs' could have themselves their first very own homegrown studmuffin. Paul Maholm was about the only hurler brought in that will help at all this year, and that's not entirely cool. The Rugs' needed like 2 more starters, but hey- we can't all get Jason Bay AND Cameron Maybin, now can we? From there, it was all playing the futures, baby, fresh pork all around! The Rugs' nailed future starter Hayden Penn, future guy Chuck Lofgren, future centerfielder Jacoby Ellsbury, future firstbaseman Joey Votto and with an assist from Oakland, future Mr. Rugmaker stud outfielder, Fernando Martinez. ACE HAPPY- I'm liking Baldelli gobs. I know he's an injury-risk, blah, blah, blah, but I'm telling you- the boy is going to explode. And soon. In a good way. ACE SAD- They really, really, really, really, really shoulda grabbed a couple a more hurlers. I'm very mildly weepy over this. OVERALL, ACE SAY- B-. Despite the hurler snafu, I'm liking the Barfield-Baldelli-Maholm help-us-now draft, and especially the Penn-Votto-Martinez help-us-in-the-future mix. 'Tis very possible the Rugs' picked up about 6 longtime future Rugs. CHICAGO CUBS- After winning like 6 games last year, it wouldn't take a lot to improve the talent level of the Cubbies. And, I'm here to tell you, they did just that. The North Siders brought in 10 players who will all make this team in some form or fashion, meaning they will have changed over almost half their team from a year ago. That's about a half too short, but they're trying. Just like the Ruggies, the Cubbies didn't get no Pujols or Bay, but they did get talent around the clock. You say they need a firstbaseman? The Cubbies got young Scott Thorman. You say they need a bullpen? The Cubbies got Eric Gagne and Kerry Wood, all band-aided up and ready to hurl. You say they need a catcher? Well, they managed to get the overlooked Gerald Laird, who this reporter thinks is going to be pretty swell. You want some prospects? How about a couple of soon-to-be starters in little Tim Lincecum and big Jeff Samardzija? (That's pronounced Schmarchjmazna for those of you phonetically challenged peeps out there). How about a cute little secondbaseman in Ryan Theriot or a good power hitting outfielder in Nelson Cruz? Of course, I'm hear to tell you that the player of this draft for the Cubmeister's is none other than Mr. Felix (Apple) Pie. (Ha! I just made that up! Trust me- it's not as easy as Berman makes it look!). Pie is going to be more of a star than Corey Patterson was going to be before he wasn't. So, with this infusion of young talent, I'm going out on a limb and will say that the Cubbies will win 10 this year. ACE HAPPY- Felix Pie. Mark my words, aside from maybe Pujols and Crawford, Felix Pie will be the name of this draft. It will forever be known as the World Famous C.R.A.B.S. Pie Draft. ACE SAD- You know, I'm not really sad at all about this draft. There's no fresh-out-of-the-oven-stud muffin, just a healthy infusion of talent, just what the doctor ordered. So, I'm going to just sit over here being happy. OVERALL, ACE SAY- B-. The Cubbies needed gobs of talent, and they got a good handful. Next year they can grab Pujols or Bay, but for now, they've got their Pie and they're eating it, too. (Man, I am on a rolllllll! I am definitely asking for a raise). OAKLAND- Alright, stop the presses. This is without a doubt, the single-most impressive, bestest all-around draft I have witnessed in the last year at least. Not that they needed the help, but the Athletics came away with three or four immediate impact players, and possibly up to 9 BAM! players when all is said and done many, many moons from now. Let's start off at the top. The Oaklanders only had Carlos Beltran and Grady Sizemore in the outfield, so an obvious upgrade was needed- WHAM! Here comes sooooper speedy Carl Crawford and the friend to all umpires, Delmon Young, brother of former A, Dmitri. Problem solved. Who starts? Does it matter? When you have Elizabeth Hurley and Carmen Electra, ya ain't exactly worried about who's first and who's second. And, I'm saying this from experience, yo. Everyone knows about the huge holes in the Oakland rotation, filled with old guys on their last leg (Rich Harden, Scott Kazmir, Felix Hernandez), so they went out and grabbed help this year in Adam Loewen and Zach Duke and they fortified the future with Andrew Miller and Jacob McGee. Hey, I'm just getting started, Bucky. You want someone to replace A-Rod down the road (And, who doesn't?)- how about arguably the best thirdbase prospect in the game not named Gordon- but named remarkably close to the remarkably hot actress from the remarkable Desperate Housewives, the remarkable Eva Longoria- Evan Longoria. What next?? How about last year's MLB National League batting leader Freddy Sanchez, brought in to play second, third, short, Muskrat Love (In between innings), bingo, bonko, whatever you need. The rest of the draft isn't as exciting, just some need-filling being done (A backup corner man in Wes Helms and a new bullpen in Salomon Torres and Joe Borowski). They also drafted another future-stud in Colby Rasmus, but they dealt his butt already, so he no count no more. ACE HAPPY- God, I can hardly pick! Crawford. No, Young! No, Longoria! Crawford! No, Young! Wow, suddenly I'm Dorothy….Crawford, and Young and Longoria, Oh My! ACE SAD- I'm sad that I'm not the GM that will get rewarded for this haul. Seriously, men have been hanged for looting less than this. OVERALL, ACE SAY- A+. Other than talent and youth and youthful talent, this draft didn't do a whole lot for me. Can you say Championship? I knew you could. PHILADELPHIA- This isn't exactly what I had in mind. It's not horrible, it's just not real good, either. The former slugs of the league (With two .500 seasons in 11 years), have done a great job of building towards their first-ever playoff berth (Which signals the end of the world as you know it, doncha know, and I feel fine), and were probably a couple of impact players away from making a skidaddle at the wild card. Yeah, I'm not so sure this draft did that. The team has a nice solid base, so if they could reel in a Carlos Zambrano or Jason Bay or Aramis Ramirez, they could really cause some damage. The Phillies got Ben Zobrist. Now, OK- it wasn't that bad, but I just wanted a little more ooomph, a little more pep, vim, vivaciousness. Still, Philly did solidify a couple a spots. Mark Prior (If he can stay healthy for more than 2 starts) and Kip Wells could conceivably-possibly- be a huge boon to the pitching staff, and if the stars aligned, the oceans parted, the Olsen twins moved into my apartment, they could win 10+ games apiece. Or they could both be done for the season by the time you read this. Former starter Joel Pineiro is being counted on to join Tom Gordon in the bullpen. Pineiro has pitched decently in relief before, so I guess anything's possible. David Ross will be the new catcher, replacing Damian Miller who had a pretty good year last season, but Ross should provide a lot more WHAP! David Dellucci and Willy Taveras were brought into the outfield mix, because apparently someone in the front office decided that having 7 outfielders was just not enough. Don't be surprised, though, if both end up starting. The real jewel, for me, is thirdbaseman Ryan Braun, who wouldn't surprise me if he is the starting thirdbaseman in 2008. Other than that, ehhhh. ACE HAPPY- Ryan Braun, Ryan Braun, Ryan Braun. I kind of like Prior if he can stay healthy, but no- Braun. ACE SAD- Man, it would've taken about all of their money, but one of the hotshots would've been really good here- Zambrano, Bill Hall, somebody. SOMEBODY other than Ben Zobrist!! OVERALL, ACE SAY- C. The Phil's didn't hurt themselves. Other than shoring up some positions, they didn't help themselves, either. Based on 8 of the picks, I'd probably have to go with a D, but Braun-y boy, all by hisself raises the grade. Alright, there we go, three down- 1 to go. We've got a new Hi-score with Oakland's A+ (Maybe they should change their name?)- can anyone from the Paige Division come through with an A++? Do ducks duck? Do bees be? Tune in next time, cuz I sure won't. Yours in Scarlett Johansson, Ace | |||