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I tried my best to skip out on this last review, but the C.RA.B.S. dudes sent Dog the Bounty Hunter out my way to round me up, so here I am- your Guru to the Stars, your scrumptious little afternoon delight, the one, the only, Ace Gumley. After recovering from the O'Neil draft with two pretty damn good hauls for the Bell and Gibson's, now here I am back in Wonderland, hoping to find the Wonders, but getting stuck listening to Captain Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters. Aye Carumba, man, this isn't for the faint-hearted. Tread lightly and for God's Sakes, man- get the women and children out of here! There's no place like home, there's no place like home….. LAS VEGAS DEVIL RAYS I could start off by saying that the Rays had the best draft amongst Paige Division teams. I could also start off by saying that having the best draft amongst Paige Division teams is akin to being the best actress on Baywatch. A lot of people watching- not a whole lot caring. The Rays needed a number one starter like I need to get my Sexy back. Which is not at all. So, they went out and got themselves a good number one in Chris Carpenter. Now, how the ball gets spread around between him, Huddy, Colony, and Youngy remains to be seen. So, after reeling in another number one, Vegas went for another number one in Aaron Cook. Helllooooo? If that weren't enough, the braintrust brought in thirdsacker Corey Koskie who has a defective brain, so who knows when he'll play? Reportedly, the Rays were actually trying to draft Stephen Hawking and because of a bad fax, ended up with Koskie. The good news is that the team was able to bring in the uber-helpful, multi-positional, quasi-international, semi-demoninational, ultra-sensational Esteban German, who will play everywhere- except, we assume- as a number one pitcher. Former hot prospect Dioner Navarro will work as a caddy to 13-year veteran Ivan Rodriguez, and possibly will replace Rodriguez after IRod is forcibly retired in the year 2525. Veteran so-so pitcher Ryan Franklin was brought in for no apparent reason, but I did like the prospect that they subsequently traded, so I won't even mention his name. With Cook, Carpenter, German and that guy I won't name, the Rays did get some talent. Just none of which they really needed. This was an O'Neil draft if ever I saw one. ACE HAPPY- I guess it's all gotta be about German, you know what I'm saying? The guy does everything and then some, hits a little, and even does a lovely Caesar Salad spread. ACE SAD- How about drafting guys that will help you? I mean, it's not like Cook and Carpenter couldn't help, it's just that with Hudson and Colon, they don't need the help. OVERALL, ACE SAY- C-. O'Neil draft, through and through. Keep in mind that I said this was the best draft in the division. Lord help me. LOUISVILLE- Here's another doozy, right here. OK- coming into the draft, when you have Curt Schilling, Oscar Mayer and Juliette Lewis as your entire starting rotation, the Tarot cards point you towards drafting- stay with me now- STARTING PITCHERS! I even believe this draft had a couple- Carpenter, Matsuzaka, Sheets, Capuano, Duke, Ronald Reagan, Senor Wences, etc. Out of their first six players drafted, the only pitcher the Necks came away with was the one…..the only…..Tomo Ohka. At the tail end of the draft, Louisville did manage the shore up the holes with some incomparable talent, the kind of which I don't want to mention. Alright, alright, I'll mention them! Former 20-game winner Jae Seo……Former Cy Young Award Winner, Jerome Williams….annnnd, former runnerup on The Bachelorette, Russ Ortiz. Problem solved, Cowboy! In case one of those guys ever gets the team into the late innings with a lead, Looavull brought in a new kind of young reliever. The kind that could give up 8 runs in the ninth, or possibly blow the ball past someone. This kid's name is Seth McClung. Not exactly James Bond, but at this point- if he's breathing, the Rednecks will take a flier. In the early rounds, Louisville did bring in some players- Players, not pitchers- that will help this year, chief among them is Bill Hall, who will bounce between short and center, bringing his special blend of power and savoir faire to the beautiful downtown Louisville scene. Akinori Iwamura will replace the since-traded Melvin Mora at third, while Adam Kennedy will battle Mark Ellis for the right to see who can suck at second. Javier Lopez was brought in so the team could gracefully say goodbye to one of the league's longtime catchers who never played for them. Goodbye, Javy- now get out of the way. In a nutshell, that's how it went. ACE HAPPY- Well, it sure isn't any of the aces they brought in (Now, if Vegas had Louisville's draft and Louisville had Vegas' we might be onto something!) I'm going to have to go with Mr. Bill Hall, as he'll be a nice replacement for Cliff Floyd in the outfield and a backup at short as well. ACE SAD- Pitching, pitching, pitching, and that starts with P, which rhymes with T, which stands for Tragic, which this staff is. Watching this staff for any length of time could result in fatal brain death. Not the non-fatal brain death, but THE fatal brain death. OVERALL, ACE SAY- D-. Hall is the only thing saving this from being just a horrible, horrible stain on society. Kind of like Tori Spelling. Alright, Iwamura, too. How many Japanese players can Louisville handle? How much Louisville can the Japanese players handle? What can I say about this draft- it ASPIRES to be O'Nielian. NEW YORK- Our last expansion team of the review (Insert weepy “Ohhhhh” here)- On a whole, this draft didn't suck like most of this division. I'm certainly not wowed by the talent acquired, but it's not altogether poopy, either. David Eckstein was the first Knight draftee, and he should be a nice, wee widdle sparkplug for them. I just think they paid a wee widdle too much for him. Then came Chris Capuano who will immediately be the staff ace, and I wouldn't be surprised if he wins at least 10 games this year. The bad news is- Capuano was the only pitcher brought in. Jose Castillo and Kaz Matsui were brought in to fight over second base. Just like in Louisville, whoever sucks less will start. When the draft team of the Knights went over their roster- the one obvious weakness they all came back with was a decided lack of steroids users on the team. Hellloooooo, Gary Matthews, Jr.!! Matthews will start in center until he's brought to justice in a Senate hearing and sentenced to a lifetime of servitude to Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah. Nailing a starting catcher with their fifth draftee was a big deal, meaning that Brad Ausmus' sorry ass offense won't see the light of day. Of course, is Gregg Zaun's any better? I don't know! I don't care! Rob Mackowiak rounds out the first ever Free Agent Draft for New York, and I don't really know what to say about him. He'll play a couple of positions, probably not contribute a whole heckuva lot. Hell, he's perfect for this division. ACE HAPPY- I'd say Capuano. He cost some money, but he's going to be worth it. Hell, after this season, he's going to be the Knights all-time leader in wins, for Chrissakes! Now, how much would you pay?? ACE SAD- There was a lot of talent in this draft, and the Knights watched most of it pass by. Capuano and Eckstein will help- heck, Steroids-boy might even help- but a Bay or Young or Pujols would've been really nice. I'd even settle for Upton. OVERALL, ACE SAY- C-. I should give them a D, but I don't want Louisville or Scottsdale to feel any better about themselves. SCOTTSDALE- Here it is, saved the worst for last. The New York Jets of C.R.A.B.S. The crème de la crème of crappy drafts. How these knuckleheads have made three straight World Series with drafts like these is beyond me. Personally, I think it's some sort of CIA conspiracy. Going into the draft, the Hawkeyes just needed to tune up a little bit, add a little depth. So, what did they do? They spent most of their draft money on two players they didn't really need. Now, Vegas did similar- grabbing players they didn't need- but they didn't spend most of their money doing so. Ben Sheets was brought in to fight with Bonderman, Sabathia, Tom Everett Scott and Pinocchio for playing time, bringing with him a reputation for being one helluva pitcher for the 6 games he pitches a year. Nice deal. Now, if New York had reeled in Sheets, I'd be all esstatic as Mike Tyson would say, but they didn't. Not to be outdone, Scottsdale thought it would spend almost the rest of their money on a secondbaseman coming back from injury, Rickie Weeks- not to be confused with their incumbent secondbaseman who just played like he came back from injury. So, after filling positions that didn't need to be filled and with almost no money left, the Hawkeyes filled their bullpen with the sorry (David Weathers) and the injured (Former Hawkeye Octavio Dotel), leaving them miles away from last year's bullpen of Bobby Jenks, Francisco Cordero and Rebecca DeMornay. Still missing the fire that Albert Belle brought to the team eons ago, Scottsdale brought in Albert Belle, Jr.- also known as Elijah Dukes. Throw in a starter, Jeff Suppan and a prospect, Travis Buck, and that was all this sorry ass draft wrote. And, thank God it was over, my stomach can't take anymore. ACE HAPPY- I'm happy it only lasted seven players. My crapometer was about to explode as it was. ACE SAD- This whole damn draft makes me sad! Obviously, the Hawkeyes braintrust (Heh, heh- don't get me started) have absolutely no clue what a draft is all about. Mel Kiper, Jr. would be having a coronary 'bout right now. OVERALL, ACE SAY- F+ This draft sucked from beginning to end. The only reason I didn't give them a straight F is because Weeks and possibly Dukes could make something of themselves. Otherwise, file this draft under E for El Stinko. So, that's the C.R.A.B.S. Free Agent Draft in a nutshell. The O'Neil and Page Divisions were sorry excuses and should be renamed the Moe and Larry Divisions (Neither are good enough to merit Curly status), and the Bell and Gibson Divisions showed the world what real drafts are supposed to be like. Oakland came away with the best haul (Like they needed it), closely followed by Bermuda, Bellmore and Atlanta. So, that's it- I'm done, I've earned my $20, entertained, enlightened and titillated you along the way. I know you're a better person for it. Seacrest out! Ace | |||