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Aye Carumba- I take a couple of weeks off and the C.R.A.B.S. braintrust (Insert joke here) goes off and tries to save a buck by bringing in some Nancy-boy, Crocodile Clostermann, to write about the "league" that has only one true-blue, dyed-in-the-wool expert, and that's yours truly- Ace Gumley- the pleasure is all yours, I'm sure. So, last week Klusterfu..., I mean Clostermuck, came in and reviewed the Bell Division of the National League. Typical rookie. He don't even know where to start! Jimmy Rollins ain't "getting it done", exactly what do you want out of your shortstop that 7 homeruns (That's a pace for 28 pancho's, doncha know) don't cure? Maybe Closterbutt should stop hitting the sauce before he attempts writing about something he obviously knows next to nothing about. What, was Rosie O'Donnell too busy to contribute?? Alright, so let me show you how this thing here is done- we'll start off in the ol' Gibson Division in the American League just to be a little kooky. OAKLAND- Here the A's sit, as usual, atop the Gibson Division. Well OK, I know that this is the first year of the Gibson Division, but if the Gibson Division had been around for a long while, the Oaklanders would've been sitting atop the whole time. Led by about every future Hall-of-Famer that you could poke with a stick, the Athletic's started off hot as a Hot Pocket- thanks in no small part to Alex Rodriguez's's's monumental BOOM! April, which will probably lead to Alex Rodriguez's's's monumental PFFFT! September- but, recently there's been some slippage in the Oakland machine. Ryan Howard has been a little bit of a disappointment since coming back to Oakland via Philadelphia- now Arizona- after being sent back to Philadelphia- now Arizona- in the off-season after coming to Oakland from Philadelphia- now Arizona- late last season. But, for cheese sake, man- one guy shouldn't- couldn't- hurt this team that bad. As of right this very stinking moment, they stand one game ahead of Arizona- formerly Philadelphia. Now, you can fully expect these guys to take this division by 10 games or so. So let it be written, so let it be done! ARIZONA- I really don't know what to say about these guys- you've got Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, Jimmy Roll...- oh, wait those were the old Philadelphians. Right, these new Arizonians have Carl Crawford and Aramis Ramire...- Oh, wait- those are the old Arizonians. These guys- as of right this very stinking moment- have Nick Swisher, Hank Blalock and Ian Kinsler. At least they did when I started writing this, who knows who they have now. Anyway, these guys were my pre-season Wild Card pick in the AL, and I'm pretty sure they still are, just so long as they don't end up in New York with the likes of David Eckstein as their cleanup hitter. They've been doing a fairly decent job of hanging with Oakland- even though they totally blowed a chance to overtake the Athleticos this last week- but, don't expect that to last past mid-season. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that they'll still hang tough and edge out the Cubbies and the White Sox for the honor of going to the playoffs only to lose to a division winner. I firmly stand behind my stance that that could possibly happen. Unless Eckstein shows up, then the deal's off. CHICAGO- CUBS STYLE- Now, here's my surprise team of the first half of the first half. To go from something like 6 wins a season ago, to straddling that .500 barrier in one of the toughest division- You read it here first, the Gibson Division is probably one of the four toughest in all of C.R.A.B.S.- is downright amazing. Well OK, maybe not amazing.....curiously cool is probably a better way to put it. The Curiously Cool Cubs suddenly have power (Aramis Ramirez via Arizona, via Philadelphia), pitching Jason Marquis, Jarrod Washburn (Who, curiously, did NOT come from Philadelphia or Arizona), and a closer in Eric Gagne who shows up about once every three weeks before another obligatory stay on the DL. With the exception of shortstop and maybe leftfield (Does Matt Murton have naked pictures of the manager or something?!?!)- they've gots players who can contribute at every position. If they could hang the way they have been and Oakland and Arizona's planes crash into each other, this could be the C.R.A.B.S. feel-good story of the year. If that doesn't happen, we'll have to resort to last year's feel-good story- Vegas eliminating Athlete's Foot fungus from the shower room. Let's go, Cubs!! AMSTERDAM- You know, for a little expansion team, this team is doing alright. Now- they've definitely got better days ahead of them, and quite the base for a good team in place already with Rocco Baldelli, Edwin Encarnacion, Josh Barfield and Troy Tulowitski, but these kids are still hanging in there. Unfortunately for them, they reside in one of the four toughest divisions, so crawling out from under the bed may be a little difficult for the next year or two. Maybe by the time they start being mentioned in the same breath as contenders, we may learn what a Rugmaker really is and exactly what it has to do with baseball. Who am I kidding? C.R.A.B.S. doesn't have anything to do with baseball! Still, the 'Makers are playing decent ball and none- count 'em, NONE- of their offensive players have done anything at all. It's all been the pitching staff, Baby, led by Javier Vazquez, Jeff Suppan and Dizzy Dean. For my money, though- this is the best expansion team that 2007 has to offer (Arena Football League notwithstanding). I fully expect these guys to kick in with about 40 wins on the year. The only way they won't live up to that prediction is if they don't win enough games. So, that's it kids- that's what a real Division review looks like- don't accept any subsititutes. Now, I'm sure Clustercluck won't be back again- With the exception of the Glorious One that you're now reading, they don't seem to last more than one measly little article- so, check back with me, because next time, we're going to go over one of the four toughest divisions in C.R.A.B.S.... Until then, Aces everyone Ace | |||