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Greetings Webcrawlers, it's your friendly neighborhood C.R.A.B.S expert scribe- it's me, Ace Gumley! So, after my last article where I pointed out the lame-osity that is Closto Clifferman, the ignert had the gall to up and challenge me to a duel! Ma, I've been called out by Opie Cunningham! What's next- a beat boxing competition to the death against Potsie Webber? Or maybe a Stubble-Off with Ryan Seacrest? Listen Clucky, you're not in my league, it's nothing personal! I'm sure you've got a whole thriving throng of fan out there. And, I'll even bet he's a real nice guy, too. This just isn't your bag, baby. Aside from Clumpy and his maniacal ravings, this week I'm going to give the ol' once over to the O'Neil Division, sad division as it were. So off we go, into the place that I like to call The Gumley Zone...... SACRAMENTO GIANTS- Somebody please explain to me how this Dawn of the Dead franchise has the second best record in the league (Don't even open your mouth, Cliffdangler!)? Now, I've been calling this team over-the-hill since back when the Donner Party had season tickets, and this team ain't been gettin' any younger since! I don't even know why I'm writing this, I could just dig up an old column from 6 years ago and it would roughly be the same! Chipper Jones, check. Greg Maddux, check. Todd Helton, Ray Durham, check, check. It's the same team, I'm telling you! Ok, just for good measure, the Giants will throw in a BJ Upton or Geoff Jenkins, but by-and-large, this is the same team President Fillmore once threw out the first ball for (I think Pierzynski caught it, as a matter-of-fact). Basically, this team is made up of Geezers, Zombies and Misfits (Oh my!). And BJ Upton. Geezers, Zombies, Misfits (Oh my!) and BJ Upton. And they have the second best record in the league. Would somebody please find the antidote to these guys and ease my pain?? RALEIGH RED SOX- The defending champs haven't done much defending this season- except maybe for their right to suck! At first glance you might say, "Oh, well they're only a couple of games out of first, and the wild card is surely withing reach". Listen up, Sunny Susan, nobody cares! The fact of the matter is that there are 6 dead guys, 4 zombies and BJ Upton that are beating them out! Now, the Red Sox pitching is rail thin, they don't really have a legitimate thirdbaseman and they have Mark Freaking DeRosa starting, for crying out loud! They do, however, have a most smashing bullpen, pip pip. So, where does this road lead for our Red Sox? Nowhere! The road is blocked by zombies!!! Without some added starting pitching (A thirdbaseman couldn't hurt, either), these guys aren't going to the post-season (You read it hear first, Cowboy, the defending champs aren't going to the playoffs). Let's just see Cloppenclucker top that one! They've still got Youkilis and Griffey and Damon, but....Oh, what's the use? You can't stop the zombies, you can only hope to contain them. SOX, CHICAGO WHITE SOX- This is "My Team" for 2007. How could you not root for these guys- you've got one starting outfielder- Josh Hamilton who was out of the game for a couple of years because the foul lines kept disappearing in his home ballpark, you've got a DH- Moises Alou- who pees on his hands, a starting pitcher Bronson Arroyo with the special Vegematic haircut by Stevie Wonder- I mean with these guys around, Manny Ramirez is looking normal like! How could you not root for these guys? Check out the 1st and 3rd base coaches- McMurphy and Nurse Ratched! Who's the manager of this bunch- Kramer?? This team is The Three Stooges, Dizzy Dean, Mannix and The Unabomber all rolled into one! (I think that makes them The Three Dizmanabombers, not to be confused with the Three Amigos, ole!). Now, they rolled out of the starting gate like the Stooges, but keep an eye on these guys- they've got some players, and they're starting to make in-roads as they just climed themselves out of the gutter. It is my esteemed and reputable opinion that these guys will make a good, long hard run for the division (Not that that should be too tough considering this is not one of C.R.A.B.S.' four toughest divisions). Now, truth be told, I don't really care if they win the division or find out that they're the collective fathers of Anna Nicole's baby- I just want to see what crazy crap they do next! It's a freak show, Baby! Just my style. WILD MAINE- For a franchise that's only been in existence for something like 3 weeks (In that time, Jack Bauer could conceivably have saved the world twenty-one times)- they've called 3 cities home (If you're countin' Texas as a city, and for C.R.A.B.S. purposes, we do). So, what can the the baseball hungry Mainonians expect from the Bull Moose? Lots of trades and then they'll probably pull up stakes and settle in Zanesville, Ohio. Trades would be a step up in this organization, as they would at least be getting something in return- in their move from Fresno to Maine, the Bull Moose- sadly- lost 3 players, misplacing them somewhere in Deer Lick, Kentucky. Or was it Beaver Lick, Kentucky? Big Bone Lick, Kentucky? It was one of the Lick places, alright!? Anyway, where was I- got lost in all the Licks (Ah, Mariah Carey, where are you now?)- ah, yes...Wild Maine. Ummm....off-and-on they've had one of the best records of the expansion teams- which is akin to being the talented Duff sister, if youknowwhutImean. I wonder if the Duff sisters have ever been to Big Bone Lick? What's the deal with all of the Lickin' going on in Kentucky? And why wasn't I invited?? Oh...um...Maine, right....Did you know that Stephen King lives in Maine? Fascinating..... Alright, so that's my rundown of the O'Neil Division- and if that wasn't enough excitement for you (And who are we kidding, we know it was)- here it comes- my predictions in my battle of Good v. Evil, Right v. Wrong, Roe v. Wade- and now, Gumley v. Cattlehoffenheimer. Now, just to be fair, going against a green rookie with no knowledge of nuthin', I'm going to go with my original predictions made at the beginning of the season. So, Mr. Green Jeans- you can use all the recent trades and injuries to help you try and piece things together, I'll go with what I know and we'll just see how embarrassed you are at the end of the year (Like you're going to be here at the end of the year). PAIGE DIVISION
BELL DIVISION
GIBSON DIVISION
O'NEIL DIVISION
NL Division Championship- Bermuda over Scottsdale AL Division Championship- Arizona over Chicago WS NL Championship Series- Bermuda over Bellmore AL Championship Series- Oakland over Arizona WORLD SERIES- Oakland over Bermuda So, there it is. The ball is in your court, Clostenuffuphagus. I promise I won't laugh this time.....(tee-hee) Until next time, kids- Ace | |||