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Yada, yada, yada- It's me, the soon-to-be-named host of The Price is Right, Ace Gumley! When last we left off, the dastardly upstart, Cliff Cooterman, was supposed to give his silly, illegible, unintelligible and largely incomprehensible retort to my scintillating review of the O'Neil Division- but like all of the hosers before, apparently, Clostenbutts skipped town. He's gone- history- Hasta la Vista, Cornhusker! (Cue: Another One Bites the Dust). So, it's back to me for all your C.R.A.B.S. news that is news. But, first- on a more serious matter. My friends, I must make note of the grave injustice that has recently befallen this country. An abuse of power of righteous indignation. This miscarriage of justice- this abomination of the law- has left a pock mark on this country that will blemish the landscape of democracy like that hairy mole that dares to ride the surf known as Rosie O'Donnell's arse. Of course, I am speaking of the arrest and detainment of my good friend- and quite possibly more- Paris Hilton. (Cue: Completely, 100% legit picture of me and Paris at the premiere)- 
The world as we once knew, ended the infamous day that the delicious and delightful Miss Hilton was unceremoniously, undeservedly and unjustly remanded to an inhumane 45 days in Los Angeles County Jail. Might I suggest that if she were an Al-Qaeda leader, she would've received a less harsh treatment- say maybe a 30-day stay at the rehab of her choice with Lindsay Lohan and a weekend picking up garbage along the string of Starbucks on Hollywood Blvd. There was my Paris, though- bravely facing the brutal dictates of a corrupt and downright silly "justice" system. Through her justifiable screams of "Mommy!", in which you could feel her pleas for government officials to stop trying to intercede on her behalf and focus their attention on more important things, such as the genocide in Darfur, or Gucci's new Britt Large Tote line of women's fashionable handbags. May her suffering be nil, her lineage unbroken.Annnnnyway, back to C.R.A.B.S. Ummmm.....In lieu of the Sparkster going south for the winter, I'm going to abandon my previously scheduled review of one of C.R.A.B.S' four toughest divisions and I'm just going to randomly sift through the muck and go through each team, league by league, giving my expert Oh-pinions and my prediction as to their role for the last 45 games. And, for a bit of fun- And, you know I'm all about fun (Don't you, Paris, my naughty little felon!), I'm going to give each team a movie hero that best reminds me of their current plight. And, awaaaaaaaay we go! SCOTTSDALE HAWKEYES- The 'eyes are upon us now as they've taken the Paige Division by storm in this last week, despite the injuries to Jim Thome, Mark Teixeira, Rickie Weeks, Cesar Chavez and Chavez Ravine. This year, Scottsdale relies way, way, way too heavily on the pitchers. And yes, this is the first time in their 14 year history that that has ever been said. ROLE OVER LAST 45 GAMES- Cruiser. Headed to the Season de la Post. MOVIE HERO- John McLane (Die Hard). Physically, they look like HELL, but they're getting the job done. Yippee Kiya, MotherF.... LAS VEGAS DEVIL RAYS- The Rays' were looking like THE team to beat in the Paige- everytime Scottsdale came runnin' up from behind, Vegas would bitch slap 'em down again. I think losing Konerko and Dye, is finally doing them in, though. (ALERT...ALERT)- MISSING- If you have seen this man, 
or more importantly his bat, please call 1(800) HOT-RAYS. Andruw's hitting has gone south (Almost south of Mendoza border) and the Rays season is following suit closely. They need a little more Swisher, a little less Wigginton, a lot more Beckett. ROLE OVER LAST 45 GAMES- Slipping. I think a whole loaf of frustration is getting served in this season's buffet. MOVIE HERO- Curly (City Slickers). He was a bad-ass for most of the way, but he was toes up by the time Norman went to the Big Apple. LOUISVILLE REDNECKS- There was way, much more expected from these turd nuggets this year. C'mon- you've got Curt Schilling, Vladimir Guerrero, and you add Travis Hafner and Abinooki Iwagamumi and you're like 12 games under .500? What up wit dat? Granted- the pitching staff is made up of the cast of Eight is Enough (Except for Susan's pro-baseball playing husband, he's too good for these guys. I'm talking Tom, Nicholas, Mary, etc.). Hell, the Golden Girls could outpitch these guys. ROLE OVER LAST 45 GAMES- Toast. You'd like to think they could play a spoiler role, but the only thing they've spoiled this season is my interest for the sport. MOVIE HERO- Alex (The Big Chill). This was Kevin Costner's break-through role as a dead guy that ended up on the cutting room floor. These guys were dead by the opening scene, too. NEW YORK KNIGHTS- These poor guys- they never had a chance. On their way to crushing the previous record for fewest wins in a season, the Knights have lagged behind, not so much in wins and losses, but mostly in discernible talent. With the recent acquisition of Garrett Atkins- who as a real-live thirdbaseman, is a huge upgrade over the shadow-that-used-to-be Eric Chavez, they may be able to squeak out a few more wins- and, who knows, one of those wins could determine a playoff spot. Or it could be totally and completely pointless. Kind of like David Hasselhoff. ROLE OVER LAST 45 GAMES- This team could give some contenders some players for the drive, while the Knights bulk up their Free Agent money for Miguel Cabrera. How much for Jose Castillo? Jose Castillo, anyone? Do I hear a dollar? MOVIE HERO- Old Yeller. For God's sake, someone please just put them out of my misery! BELLMORE BRAVES- After starting the season looking they'd win 100 games, the Braves fell back to Earth, fell to second place and then just got really piffed (Pissed, mixed with a little miffed). With the collapse of the Bermuda Triangle, the Braves have bounced back into first and look like a lock to secure their third playoff spot in four years of playing C.R.A.B.S.-ball. I'm still thinking this is the team to beat in the NL. ROLE OVER LAST 45 GAMES- Coasting to a playoff spot. They've got the pitching, they've got the best lineup in the league. Wake me when something happens. MOVIE HERO- The Punisher (The Punisher). They can absolutely destroy everything in their path with guns 'a blazin'. Or they could roll over with a konk on the noggin, cuz they ain't be gotten any super powers. Count on the former. BERMUDA TRIANGLES- At some point a couple of weeks ago, this team got lost in their own home. After finally overtaking Bellmore and riding high with the league's best record- suddenly, the engine went PFFFT!, and it's been 'Holy Sh*t' time ever since. With Derek Lee's upcoming suspension for shadow boxing with Vegas' Chris Young, things are looking kind of murky in the murky waters of the Pacific. Atlantic? Where the hell is this place? And where do they play their home games, on an aircraft carrier? ROLE OVER LAST 45 GAMES- Unless they pull out of the nosedive- and soon- it looks like they'll be battling the Devil Rays for the wild card spot. Can a Devil Ray survive the Triangle? Does a baboon swim upstream to roost? What, suddenly I'm Jack Hanna?? MOVIE HERO- Mariner (Waterworld). They may have a sunny future ahead, but right now, they're looking kind of waterlogged. ATLANTIC CITY GAMBLERS- Look at these little guys hanging in there! With 45 games to play, the Gamblers sit only five games out of first and five out of the wild card. Even with Abraham Nunez!! This could be the story of the year (After Paris, I mean). If the Gamblers could somehow get Aaron Harang pitching again, and with new arrival Brian Bannister solidifying the rotation, these are MY guys in the NL. ROLE OVER LAST 45 GAMES- Unfortunately, when you stack MY guys up against the Braves and Triangles, they come out on the short end of the Tom Cruise. Whatever that means. Me thinks they're going to have to play the spoiler role, but watch out for a possible surprise. MOVIE HERO- Rudy (Rudy), The Little Engine that Could, Norma Rae and Erin Brockovich, all rolled into one little, itty bitty Gambler (Or as we like to call him, Abraham Nunez). ATLANTA CRACKERS- Once these crazy kids filled out a whole entire lineup, they done started winnin' some games. With Albert Pujols heating up, the already hot Matt Holliday and the suddenly-can't-be-stopped-Jose Bautista, the Crackers are itching to start 2007 all over again. Do-overs, anyone? ROLE OVER LAST 45 GAMES- Definitely THE spoiler. They've already taken out Bellmore, Bermuda, Las Vegas, the '72 Dolphins and the X-Men in the last few weeks (Minus Jean Grey, cuz she's, like, WAY too powerful). MOVIE HERO- Marjorie (Extremities)- stay with me here! After getting beat up and bloody through the first half, the Crackers came back tougher, smarter, rebuilt because they had the technology. Oooh, maybe they're the Bionic Woman with that hot new British chick! Yeah, I like that- they're the Chesty Bionic Woman. Well, that's my National League version of 'At the Movies', next time we'll take a gander at the American League. Until then, I'm Roger Ebert, and please- save me the aisle seat. And a big huge ol' friggin bag o' popcorn, Bub! Ace | |||