C.R.A.B.S. CAKES

Well kids, I'm back to brighten up your new year and provide a beacon of hope to the huddled masses. Or the muddled hasses, something like that. Apparently, Cliff Closterf*** blew the whistle on my new post, and Governor Bogdanovich (Bloganowich?) had to turn away from my fitty big ones and hand the Senate gig over to some other crumudgeon, so I'm back here at C.R.A.B.S., or as I like to call it- the cesspool of life. To continue with my previous brilliant writing, this time we're going to go over the Gibson division, which has recently turned into the powerhouse division of C.R.A.B.S. Of course, that's like being the most talented Spice Girl. Alright, let's get on with it, here it is- Oakland and the boys.....

JOSH GIBSON DIVISION

Amsterdam Rugmakers

In a division loaded with teams on the Uptown Train, the 'makers took the slow boat to Suckdom- And, I'm talkin' the 'No frills, no sweet layovers in Odessa, Texas' kinda slow boats. Droppin' 12 games from their win ledger from the initial 'maker season of '07, the kids in Amsterdam need to smoke up some magic to turn this boat around. The big killer in Rugland turned out to be the ol' World Famous C.R.A.B.S. Free Agent Draft, where they netted 3- yup, only three- players, two of whom actually hepped out a bit (Stellar All-Star rookie Geovany Soto and Oliver Perez, who led the team in W's with eight). Other than those two, it was really just retreads, retards and flea market finds to fill out the roster. Yeah, that worked out reallllll well. One flea market dustoff, outfielder David Murphy turned out to be a real steal as he compiled a team-record 532 points and basically just sprayed the ball all over the place. He really stood out. REALLLY stood out. Another rook, this one up from the Amsterdam farm, Joey Votto also had himself a goodly first year, knocking out 14 Hasselhoffs to go with a nifty .286 average and 51 RBI. Sooo, that was pretty much it in ol' Amsterdam- Soto, Murphy, Votto and Perez. Don't look no further, Cuz! So, how do we reclamate this reclamation project? The easiest thing to do would be to call in Ty whathisname- Willingham? Ummm, Ty Durden?? Oh, you know the guy from- 'World's Wackiest Extreme Makeover' or 'When Makeovers Attack' or whatever it's called. Call him in and destruct the whole kabob. Except for Soto, Murphy and Votto, Oh my! Now, before I go painting this cloud all doom and gloom, there is a couple of rough gems that may come in to help- mucho injuredo shortstopo Troy Tulo(witzki) for one. O. Tulo done went and caught Mad Cow disease and had to be put down after playing in 55 games last year, but he's back now and promises to be bettah than evah! Wait- that sounds better with a musical undertone- He promises to be (Cue music) BETTAH THAN EVAH!! I feel much better now. In the year of the Lord 2009, we also might see the first glimpse of the spritely, young Fernando Martinez, woo hoo! So, if we team Tulo and Fernando with Soto, Murph and Votto, we have the makings of a real offense-o! As for the pitching......How about that Joey Votto!?!?! Alright, so we know that the Rugs' have the 2nd pick in the draft. We know that AJ Burnett will not be in said draft and Jake Peavy MAY not be. Word out of Gotham says Josh Beckett may be available for some draft picks. Hmmmm....Ok, get Beckett. Do whatever you have to do, but get Beckett and for God's sake draft more than 3 players. With the young and upcoming offense, an actual pitcher leading the rotation......Yep, they're still coming in last.

Arizona Diamondbacks

I was just about to do a (p)review of Arizona, but at the last minute, Diamondback management traded this review for Garry Maddox and an author-to-be-named-later. Alright, I josh the Diamondbacks for their 83 trades last season- but look at what happened- they made the playoffs for the second straight season. We're not in Davis anymore, Dorothy. This franchise spent it's first 11 years in the league lookin' up, gettin' crapped on by the likes of Oakland and the Washington Generals- and lo and behold, 637 transactions later- back-to-back playoff appearances. Now, don't ask me to review them any deeper than that, cuz frankly I can't remember who they started with, who played, who got sent to Zanesville, and who they finished with. Except for Ian Kinsler. Ah yes, Ian Kinsler. Many people don't know that Kinsler would've made his first All-Star team if he didn't play in the same league as Clark Kent Utley. Of course, many people don't really care, and I'm one of them! Anyway, the Kinman played himself a heckuva year, notching a team-record 37 doubles, 60 RBI, 25 stolen sacks and a team-leading, eye-poppin', how'd ya do 690 points. So, it was pretty much Kinsler and 10 or so Flavor-of-the-day players that took Arizona into White Sox-land for a butt-whippin' in the Divisional playoffs. Ouch! Let's see what 2009 may bring to the land of McCain....There's a decent hope for the offense, built around Kinsler, with special help from the special likes of the special Nate McLouth (Who surprised the snot out of everyone with 20 Carmen Electra's last year- mostly with Las Vegas), a healthy Ryan Zimmerman, a young stud Adam Jones and a menage-a-trois of good young catchers (Dioner Navarro, Jesus Flores and Taylor Teagarden). The pitching is really, really pukey. No, I'm serious- I'm talking Tara Reid at her absolute knockdown, fallout worst kind of pukey. In the upcoming Free Agent Draft, the 'backs have exactly none picks. Zip. Nada. Sell crazy somewhere else, lady, we already shot our wad! So, what should the D-Backs do with the first of their 97 trades in '09? First off, we gotta get some picks. Trade one of the catchers- maybe even two- and grab three or four picks. Wild Maine, the White Sox, Bellmore- any of them could use one of these catchers. After that, get an ace! Matt Garza is Ok and all, but how about a real lockdown, kick 'em in the gnards ace?? Alright, that probably can't happen until transaction 57, which could very well be on the horizon next week......Unless 'Zona can pull off some miracle upscale trades, I do believe their consecutive playoff streak is going to end at the big deuce. But, they'll have fun trying!

Chicago Cubs

In a few weeks (Or months, maybe), I'll be reviewing the Atlanta Crackers, who improved their win total by like 108 last season. Well, this here team is the antithesis of those Atlantans. Ok, not so much the antithesis- because that would be the Raleigh nose-dive, but more like they're improving like Atlanta, but just doing it at a mmuucchh slower pace. Which is good, you know- a steady stairway to heaven, riding their rainbow to the proverbial pot of gold. Which is holding up much better in this economy than the proverbial U.S. currency, doncha know. The Cubbies, in fact, have gone from 43 wins to 70 in just two seasons- becoming only the second team in C.R.A.B.S. history to win 70 games and NOT go to the playoffs. But, they ain't crying here in windy Chicago city, jacko, these kids are poised to challenge the unchallengeable Athleticos for Gibby supremacy and qualify for their first-ever-ish playoff appearance. Leading the Cubbies into studsville was the nifty 1-2-3 punch of Carlos Beltran, Raul Ibanez and Aramis Ramirez, not to mention the little sparkplug-that-could, Brian Roberts. You take those four, add in a healthy Mike Lowell and an improving Ryan Theriot (Or J.J. Hardy, take your pick) and you've got the makings of a consistent- not necessarily gangbuster, but a consistent offense. Counter that consistent offense with a couple of live, legitimate mound aces- Aaron Harang and Jon Lester (Who won a team-record 13 games, not to mention beating cancer) and a show stopping closer (Kerry Wood), and you have the recipe for success! The only things missing from this puzzle are a firstbaseman (They have one firstbaseman for every draft pick Arizona currently owns- ZERO) and a catcher (They do have Jason Kendall, but I'm talking about real, living catchers, not mythical catchers of lore). I'm going to tell you right now- barring injury (And with SOMEBODY playing first), this is a playoff team right here and right now. So, what do we do in between now and April 6 to lock that postseason berth down? With the 10th pick in the draft.....I'd take Gerald Laird or Kelly Shoppach to shore up the catching, trade J.J. Hardy for a couple of second round picks and grab Pablo Sandoval and either Jason Giambi or Todd Helton to fill out the first sack and sit back and enjoy the ride to Playoffville.

Oakland Athletics

What more can be said about the two-time defending champion Athletics that hasn't already been said? Oh, alright, I'll say it anyway. Oakland's road to the repeat actually was in question for awhile in 2008- then Opening Day came and they wrapped up the division shortly afterwards. I'm sorry, go down this roster and it's a veritable plethora, an undefinable smorgasbord of Who's Who in studly Baseball of the Americanos. All-Star Chase Utley? Check. Alex Rodriguez? Yep, he's still here. Barry Bonds? Whoa, step back into the future there, Roids boy. World Series MVP Ryan Howard, All-Star Grady Sizemore, Miguel Cabrera....Hell, I haven't even mentioned All-Star Hanley Ramirez and he just might be the best of 'em all! So Ok, I know what you're thinking- they've shot their wad on the offense, the pitching must look like...well, Louisville. Wrong, Chimichanga! How does the 2008 Rube Foster winner Tim Lincecum sound to you? No? Then how about Rich Harden or Felix Hernandez? Too 'Old School'? How about the prize All-World rookie David Price or last year's flavor-of-the-Spring, Johnny Cueto?!?! Is it all coming together for you just yet? The rest of the league is in danger! Grave you ask? Is there any other kind, I reply! Jesus, 7 Apostles and the ghost of Walter Johnson couldn't beat this team. So, how do we improve the unimprovable? Well, they do need some relievers. Take the 16th pick in the draft and grab the best closer available and take another one in the later rounds. With your other nine picks, grab some backups- Hell, it doesn't matter- draft Sheryl Crow and Katie Perry. More than likely, they'll end up with the 'next best thing', say Pedro Alvarez or Tommy Hanson, fold up ship and wait for the 2009 World Series- coming to a Public Access Channel near you. Let me save you the trouble, I'm calling it right now- The A's win it, their third in a row. So, just like the Arena Football League, we'll just skip the year, hand the trophy over to Oakland and we'll see ya in 2010.

Until next year!

Aces everyone