C.R.A.B.S. CAKES

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, here I am- so get your mangy butts outta the water and get yerself learned, Ace-style! This week, we're going to make a big leap across the C.R.A.B.S. pond into the scary forest of the National League's Cool Papa Bell Division. Oooooh, scarrrrrrry! Crackers and Triangles and Braves, Oh my! I'm going to go out on a limb- as only I can- and tell you right now that this is the toughest division in C.R.A.B.S. Either this or the Gibson, one of the two. So, this is one of the two toughest divisions in C.R.A.B.S. Out of four. You're prolly gonna see at least two playoff teams come from here, one near-miss and one that was mathematically eliminated last week. Let's see who is who! Don't wander off the yellow brick road, my pretties.....

COOL PAPA BELL DIVISION

Atlanta Crackers

These Crackuhs were the Crackerjack surprises of C.R.A.B.S., the 2008 edition. Setting a league-record (No, I didn't look it up, I'm just assumin'), by improving by a whoppin' 31 games from the previous year, the Crackuhs became the fourth team in C.R.A.B.S. history (Behind the 1996 Oakland Athletics, 1999 Crabapple Surgeons and 2001 Las Vegas Devil Rays, doncha know) to complete a worst-to-first rise from the ashes in only one season's time. After winning their first Cool Papa Title, The Crackuh's then went and laid a giant egg and lost to Scottsdale in the NLDS. Or the NSA. NAACP, something like that, I wasn't really paying attention. So, if I calculate this correctly- and I do- to keep their upward spiral spiralling upward, the Cracks have to finish 105-15 and at least make it to the NCAA. Or NASCAR. NAMBLA, something like that. I'm going to step out on a cracklin' limb, channel my Psychic Friends Network buddies, consult my biorhythms and say that ain't gonna happen. Winning 105, I mean, not that they won't qualify for the NRA. So, what put the crack in the crackerjack Cracker season you ask? I would say deals, my friend, deals. I guess you would call them crack deals? The kind of deals that bring in Cecil...whoops, I mean Prince Fielder (26 Sonny Bono's, 67 RBI, 2 SB), team-MVP shortstop Michael Young (.294, 133 hits, a mini-scule 9 errors), All-Star catcher Brian McCann (29 doubles, 20 Benjamin Harrison's, 70 ribeyes, 4 SB), starting pitchuh Matt Cain (8-3, 3.60, 71 K's) and All-Star reliever extraordinaire Bobby Jenks (1.99, team-record 8 saves). You take those newbies, add in holdover ace Cole Hamels (13-5, 3.29, 137 K's), draftee Jair Jurrjens (7-5, 2.56) and....you know, those other guys, and suddenly- VOILA!- you're Cool Papa champs. And, I didn't even mention picking up Jorge Cantu from the local 'Big Lots' and turning him into an actual real-life thirdbaseman (He hit 19 Edgar Bergin's fer cryin' out loud!) or coaxing 22 Barry Champlain's out of 61-year old Jason Giambi. In other words- not much went wrong in Crackuhland last year, Bucky. So, with a goal of 105 wins- the Crackers should prolly.....make alot more trades that work out perfectly just like last season. Yep, that's my advice! Atlanta currently owns the 14th pick in the draft and six others, but looking at the free agents available, they're probably bettuh off stopping back over at 'Big Lots'. If I had to be picky- and I do- I'd grab some insurance on Cantu suddenly realizing he's Jorge Cantu, and a couple of outfielders- especially if Jeff Francoooooor gives another season-long example of how to suck, big league-style. Do those couple of dustups, cover up a couple of reserve holes (Which sounds alot like my fourth marriage), and I'm smelling another Cool Papa trophy and just prolly that awaited for appearance in the NTSA and possibly even- dare I say it- the World Series. There, I'd dared say it.

Bellmore Braves

After winning back-to-back division titles (The Fed in '06, Cool Papa in '07), the Braves were largely and widely- largely widely even- expected to represent the National League as the proverbial lamb to Oakland's lion in the World Series. Somewhere along the way, either Bellmore or Atlanta didn't get the memo. The Braves stumbled- and I mean sloppy drunk stumbled- out of the gate and were something like 2-58 at mid-season before snapping out of it and getting to within a handful of games of Atlanta and then stumbling back before finishing 11 games behind the division winning Crackuhs of Atlanta. Now, there's some teams in C.R.A.B.S. that would consider a 61-59 third place finish a rousing success and order up ticker tape parades. The Braves ain't one o' those teams, Bub. Heads rolled after the season. Longtime equipment manager Skiffy McFarland was not only fired, he was tarred, feathered, dipped in hot chocolate, sprinkles and brokenup Heath bars, wrapped in Saran Wrap and left in the dumpster behind the local K-Mart. Then he was fired. This is not a team used to third place finishes. In fact, this is their first third place finish in their 5 years in the league- which they made up for by finishing with the worst-ever record in team history. What went wrong? The season started, basically. And the Braves didn't. It don't get much deeper than that, Sigmund! You've got basically the same team- Jose Reyes (.303, 75 R, 13 triples, 35 SB), All-Stars David Wright (21 MC Hammers, 81 RBI, 676 Pts.) and Carlos Lee (28 Mickey Rourkes, a league-leading 99 RBI), and Adam Dunn (30 Scooter Libby's) and Adrian Gonzalez (28 Paul Hogan's, 85 RBI). Erik Bedard (9-3, 3.67) missed alot of the season, starting only 15 games, but James Shields (13-9, 3.58) picked up the 'ace' hat and had quite a marvelous season, I must say. The bullpen imploded with the loss of Chad Cordero to advanced Herpes Simplex XXVI (Not to be confused with Super Bowl XXVI, which was a wonderful game for the Redskins- who coincidentally bear no relation to the Braves), as the bullpen that had averaged almost 18 saves per season, only managed a single, solitary, lone save last season. So, I think we've all concluded here that the sole reason that the Braves failed to win their third straight division title is because Chad Cordero couldn't keep it in his pants. (Ed. note- The opinions expressed here are Ace Gumley's and Ace Gumley's alone. C.R.A.B.S. nor anyone else that has ever participated in C.R.A.B.S., played baseball, heard of baseball, or breathe oxygen condone, agree with or even understand the opinions expressed herein.) So, a fix here is easy- Trojans for the lot of 'em! Alright, alright. Well, John Holmes in the bullpen is gone, so we need a closer. Without a catcher currently on the roster, I would suggest grabbing a backstop, lest we have lots and lots of wild pitches in 2009. Bellmore has the 6th pick in a terrible draft, so I'd grab a catcher right here- either Gerald Laird or Kelly Shoppach, grab the best closer available not-named-Chad Cordero with the 22nd pick, grab some backups and head to Spring Training ready for a 3-way dogfight (I'm talking about the Atlanta-Bellmore-Bermuda kind, not the Michael Vick kind). I'm telling you right here and now- the Braves is playoff-bound again in '09. I have spoken.

Bermuda Triangles

After becoming the first team in C.R.A.B.S. history to win 70 games and not qualify for the playoffs in 2007, the Triangles slipped a little deeper into the ocean depths last season, winning only 62 games and finished 11 games out of the division for their second straight second place finish. Alot of players went in-and-out of Bermuda last season, some never to be heard from again. Hmmmmm, straaaaaange. The biggest disappearance was definitely Gary Sheffield (.205, 1 Christina Aguilera- ONE!- 3 RBI), who very much earned his release in the off-season cutdown. Ace hurler Carlos Zambrano was nasty unhittable early and then went through a looooooong period of tossing up batting practice, finishing with a Redneck-like 11-7 record. So, it was all Zambrano and Sheffield's fault. The Triangles did make a couple of discoveries in their outfield, heisting Carlos Quentin (29 Hemingways, 76 RBI in 101 games) from Scottsdale and signing Ryan Ludwick (20 Darrin Stevens in only 69 games) away from the Flamin' Homers Sunday-afternoon softball-beer team. Derek Lee had another Derek Lee season at first (Which is a good thing), Garrett Atkins was a little more like the old Garrett Atkins at third (Which ain't such a good thing), but the team's all-time, all-everything secondbaseman, Jeff Kent, lost his job to Kaz Matsui (Which is like Pamela Anderson being replaced on Baywatch with Bea Arthur), and then lost his spot on the roster before finally retiring to Angrymanistan. So now the Triangles enter 2009 without Kent and Sheffield and with Kenji Johjima catching (He's not a real catcher, but he plays one on TV). I know you're asking yourself now, how can these guys compete with Atlanta and Bellmore, let alone Oakland and Larry Fitzgerald's Arizona Cardinals? Well, let me 'splain it to you, Lucy. They're gonna need help, ain't no doubt about that, but there's enough here to start with to make up some ground. Start with the young bull Jay Bruce (7 Tina Fey's in 50 games), who now has a full-half year under his belt, throw in soon-to-be rookie star Cameron Maybin, teamed with the still dangerous Ichiro Suzuki and you've got the makings of an all-stud outfield. The rotation is top heavy with Zambrano and Ryan Dempster leading the way- Derek Lowe is steady, but after that it starts looking alot like Louisville awful. Brad Lidge would've set a team-record for saves if he'd pitched in Bermudaville all season, but he anchors the pen anyhoo. Throw all of these guys together, maybe snag a catcher that can actually hit, a couple of pitchers, and VOILA! they're in the mix for a wild card, at least. The 'angles traded their #1 pick to get Lidge, so they're back near the bottom of the heap with their top pick at number 20- but between that pick and the 24th, they may be able to shore up the backstop position and nab a starting pitcher. Even if they have to slum with Michael Barrett and Tim Wakefield. Orrrrrr, swing a deal with Arizona for maybe a #2 & 3 for Jesus Flores, that might be their best bet. A couple of band-aids and maybe a 5-hour energy drink or two, and the 'angles could just make this a 3-team race just yet. Just don't bet the rest of what's left of your 401K on it.

Texas Thundering Herd

Ah yes, the Thundering Herd. There ain't been alot of thundering going on with this franchise since the late '90s, as the Herd have failed to win at least 50 games a whopping five- count 'em, FIVE- times since 2001, including last season. That's one- ONE- playoff appearance since 1999. Maybe they partied like it was 1999 a little to hardy? The Herd really didn't stand a chance last season, and considering they still sit in (arguably) the league's best division once again, they prolly don't stand much of a chance this year, neither. But, never say never! Why, I seem to remember a little Crackuh team that occupied this ass-end of the division two years ago and now they're leading the pack! Ok, time to put down the Crackuh pipe. Ho, ho! I kill me. No, seriously. Offensively speaking (And, frankly it is quite offensive), Texas had exactly 1 1/2 bright spots last season. All-Star shortstop Jhonny Peralta (.283, 18 Scott Baio's, 61 RBI, 2 SB) rebounded from an off-year with a sparkler and part-time catcher Ryan Doumit (.335, 9 Peggy Lipton's in 76 games) showed that he's worthy of the full-time starting gig. Outside of those two, nada. Oh, Aaron Rowand was ok, certainly nothing compared to his previous season, and Ryan Church started off like gangbusters and then someone reminded him that he's made of glass and that ended his season. If you're looking for the strength of this team, look no further than the pitching rubber, boyo. The Herd led the league in pitching with a sweet sounding 3.42 ERA, including the ERA champeen himself, rookie Edinson Volquez (10-7, 2.21), but you can call him Ed. The usually-made-of-glass Ben Sheets actually led the team in innings pitched and pitched much better than his 5-11 record says he did. But, with Kukla, Fran & Ollie as the meat of your lineup, you're gonna have to string zeros like nobody's bidness to have a chance at a W. Rounding out the 3-headed monster that is the Herd, Daisuke Matsusahsahzu (8-6, 2.97) also pitched beeeeutifully. From there, it went from alright (Brian Bannister, Brian Burres) to "Shouldn't they be pitching in Louisville?" bad (I promised their mothers I wouldn't name names). The bullpen was......pretty funny, actually, although they did manage to earn 3 times as many saves as did the STD-ridden bullpen of Bellmore. Advantage- Texas. So, how do we fix this mess? Well, a little Texas-style Death Row couldn't hurt......Ok, here's what we do. The Herd has two picks. Yes, two. Count 'em- #4 and #36. That number 4 isn't going to do diddly for them, so it has to go. So, we're going to trade the #4 and 36 to Las Vegas for Cliff Lee. Then we're going to trade Daisuke Mafuhasa to Arizona for Josh Fields, Nate McLouth and Kevin Correia. Ok, ummmm....we still need a firstbaseman. Alright, we're going to trade Lee to Amsterdam for Adam LaRoche and Rocco Baldelli, pick up a couple of middle infielders as backups, get voodoo dolls of Bermuda, Bellmore and Atlanta players, cut their arms and legs off, pay off the umpires for at least 1 call a game, hope that Don Denkinger umps at first and Ed Hoculi misses the Jay Cutler fumble, pray (ALOT), and maybe- MAYBE- they'll be in the mix through mid-season. And then restock for next year. Somehow.

That's all for me and the Cool Papa-ites, kids. Be sure to check in next time as we visit....oh crap, we've got to go to the Paige with Scottsdale and Louisville. Yes Virginia, we are officially slumming. Roll up the windows and avoid eye-contact at all costs. I'm going to go buy an Uzi- everyone buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride! Until then,

Aces everyone