C.R.A.B.S. CAKES
Hola my fellow Gumleyites, it is I, Ace, back to give you the in-depth expertise that you secretly crave and openly desire. I figured out that no one really cares about the Paige division, so instead of wasting all of our time on a non-existent entity, let's delve into the remnants of Saturday's World Famous C.R.A.B.S. Free Agent Draft. And by World Famous, I mean that it trails 'Bret Michael's Rock of Love Bus' in popularity. If not class. We're going to break this up into three sections, basically, The Good, The So-So and The Fuugly. We're going to break it up because serving it altogether in one review breaks about seven articles of the Geneva Convention, not to mention general human decency. I'm grading each teams' draft, not simply on talent alone- because, let's face it, talent is one thing this draft didn't have. In spades!- but, also how well teams filled their needs and set themselves up for the coming season. I've brought in a partner to help me in this endeavor and I can think of no one more qualified to rate a C.R.A.B.S. Free Agent Draft, than Miss Baywatch herself, yes the one- the only, you know her, you love her, you just can't seem to live without her- Yasmine Bleeth. Let's get our freak on! (That's what she said).
The UN-Fantastic Four
Raleigh Red Sox
This one is a little hard to grade- let's be honest, they could've drafted the individual members Destiny's Child and improved. Not to mention they would've been the sexiest team in the league, bar none. Well, unless John Kruk laced 'em up again, but that's another story. With the first pick in the draft, the Red Hose plucked Pablo Sandoval to stick his pudgy fingers in this leaking dyke (Please- no Rosie O'Donnell jokes. God PLEASE, no Rosie O'Donnell jokes!). Sandoval comes with a handful of mitts- namely for first, third and he can step behind the plate and catch some pitches (Assuming the Red Sox have pitchers). If Raleigh was to pick first, this was probably the best selection for them. Personally, I would've rather they dealt the pick for three or four warm bodies. Hell, lukewarm bodies would've been an improvement. Maybe even comatose roadkill. After Sandoval, Raleigh stayed strictly on the mound, drafting four starting pitchers and an incredible five relief pitchers. Wait, let me explain that statement- I mean an incredible total of five relievers, NOT five incredible relievers. There, I feel better now. Jamie Moyer, Jeff Suppan and the previously dead Mike Hampton all look like the second, third and fourth comings of Johan Santana to this rotation. Huge plusses, all of them (IF Hampton stays alive). Chan Ho Park has seen better days. Not ALOT better, mind you, but his days as a value-added pitcher ended roughly the same time as the fall of Rome. Amongst the relievers, Heath Bell probably has the most value (Which should be used in a deal for some position players), while Taylor Buchholz and Ryan Franklin can help. Buchholz actually will team with his twin brother from another mother, Clay, so that Raleigh can now promote themselves as the only C.R.A.B.S. team to be 'All-Buchholz, All The Time'. Now, don't get me wrong, this draft did help them- only they could've done better. Ben Francisco, Joe Mather, Brian Schneider....any two of those three would've been an upgrade on the last two picks, bullpen artists extraordinaire, Grant Balfour and Ryan Madson. In the end, it helped, but wasn't great, so I give them....
(Two out of five Yasmine's)
Atlanta Crackers
After an early morning rape of Amsterdam for all of the Rugmakers' draft picks, the Crackers set out and gathered a bunch of......well, ho-hum players. Not that this draft had alot of non ho-hum players, but this bunch is the poster child for the faceless, questionably talented draft class of 2009. Without a pick until the top 29 (Supposedly) players were off the board, Atlanta lept into the draft and called the name of former Raleigh bullpenner, Mike Gonzalez. Ho-hum. Following Mr. G, outfielder Jayson Werth was brought into the fold- and this pick may actually pay some dividends. Especially if Jeff Francouer continues to hit like a sissy. Franklin Gutierrez could be a steal as the 99th player drafted and the team reached into Las Vegas' past at 122 with a reclamation project in Andruw Jones. That's what we call Low-Risk, High-Reward. Actually, I call it a moot point, but waddya gonna do, draft Grant Balfour??? Tim Wakefield and Koji Uehara could help the rotation (Well, at least until Uehara was traded for Kenshin Kamakamkammi). Chris Getz will be a huge boon for Cracker fans as whenever he takes over for Kelly Johnson, fans will say, "Remember when we had a real-live secondbaseman playing? Those were good days." Kevin Millwood, Jason Schmidt and Nomar Garciaparra were reaches. They could help, or they could spend the year hanging with the trainer or finding a good 'Old Folks Home' to go hibernate in. The Crackers did set a record by drafting 16-year old Michael Inoa in the seventh round, the youngest player ever drafted in C.R.A.B.S. That's not to say that Inoa won't someday become a viable starter, because he may. He just needs to get through puberty first, and that can be a bitch. The two highlights of this draft for me are thirdbaseman Brett Wallace and starting pitcher Derek Holland, neither of whom will help the Crackers this year in defense of their division title. This draft was just a whole lot of.......eh. Kind of like getting up on Christmas morning and unwrapping your one present- a bagfull of Rice Cakes. This is a Rice Cakes draft. Alot of airy fluff and not enough good.
(Two out of five Yasmine's)
Texas Thundering Herd
The Herd entered the draft without any draft picks and ended the day without any draft picks after signing the entire population of Guadelamanniehara last season and trading their remaining picks. I don't remember who they got in the trades, and I really don't want to look it up, either. With the exception of a pretty good pitching staff, this is a Rice Cakes roster. They coulda used some help. Woulda, coulda, shoulda. Since I can't really hand out an 'Incomplete Yasmine', I'm left with....
(Half a Crack Yasmine out of five Yasmine's)
Amsterdam Rugmakers
The morning of March 14, 2009 will forever be remembered in Amsterdam as the morning they were bent over a bathroom sink and raped- 'Oz-style' by the entire city of Atlanta. The 'Makers traded all of their seven remaining draft picks for outfielder Steven Pearce and starting pitchers Fautino de los Santos and Jorge Campillo. None of whom will help Amsterdam this season. Or likely ever. Let's rundown real quick-like, the players that the Crackers took with those picks- Starting pitchers Tim Wakefield, Kevin Millwood, Derek Holland, Jason Schmidt and the test tube baby himself, Michael Inoa. Outfielder Franklin Gutierrez and secondbaseman (And I use that term lightly) Chris Getz round out the rape kit. Without any traceable relief pitchers and a handful of questionable starting pitchers, Amsterdam could've been helped by a couple of those players. Instead, they win my award for the the crappiest 'draft' of the year and fully earn....
(Two whole Crack Yasmines out of five Yasmine's. Using Einstein's Theory of Relativity, that's negative four Yasmine's. Or, one Amy Winehouse, if you'd rather. And, you wouldn't because you have standards. Or, at least eyes.)
That's it from the bottom of the barrel, folks! Join me next time as we run through seven- Yes, Seven!- of the middle-of-the-roaders before ending with THE top five drafts of the 2009 Free Agent Draft, including the draft that has received my personal endorsement as the one-and-only bestest draft of 2009. I know you can't wait for that. Until then, if we've learned one thing today- and Lord knows that's one more thing than C.R.A.B.S. usually learns ya, don't drop the soap in Atlanta!
Aces everyone
