C.R.A.B.S. CAKES

Konichi Wa from purgatory, otherwise known as the review of the lackluster. As we continue our trek into C.R.A.B.S. Free Agent Draft extravaganza '09, we can break this draft down into three categories- last week were the four teams whose draft was so ugly it was cute, kind of like Cindy Brady. Next time, we have five teams whose draft was so beautiful, they are Marsha Brady. This draft is.......well yeah, this Jan. Get ready for a heapin' spoonful of mediocrity.......Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!

The Just-A-Bit-Short-Of Magnificent Seven

Chicago Cubs

The Cubbies made a big splash heading into the draft by trading for the third pick, making me think they were going to land the great Francisco Rodriguez to lead their bullpen. Instead, the Cubs shocked the monkey and drafted Skip Schumaker. Don't adjust your screen, Cubby, you read that right- Skip Schumaker. The idear in Chicago is that they can turn Skip into the second coming of Chase Utley. Or, at least Rickie Weeks. Mark Ellis? I've known flatulent monks who made more of an impact than Schumaker's capable of. (With all due respect to Dave Barry- The Flatulent Monks would make a great name for a rock band). Now granted, after dealing Brian Roberts earlier (Dude, where's my secondbaseman?), the Cubbies were without a legitimate secondbaseman. I'm here to tell you now, that after this draft the Cubs were still without a legitimate secondbaseman. And without the third pick in the draft! After the legend known as Skip, Chicago set about bolstering their rotation with Joel Pineiro and Dallas Braden. I know, you're expecting me to level a haymaker here, but I like these picks. I mean, not like like, but they came late in the draft and serve a need. Outfielder Garrett Anderson was nabbed as the 115th pick and I think he's reallllly going to be an important Cub this year, if there is such a thing as an important Cub. He probably won't start, but getting his level of production that late in the draft was a major coup, General. Anderson Hernandez was brought in as Schumaker insurance. That's kind of like being a rock promoter and bringing Amy Winehouse in as Britney Spears-insurance. Last, but not least, the Cubbies did bring in a couple of kids, starting pitcher Jon Niese and firstbaseman Logan Morrison. This is a 50-50 split for me, yay on Morrison, nay on Niese. This draft coulda been alot more, but even as sad as some of their hole-fillers are, they did fill some holes. I can't love it, I can't hate it. Eh....
(Two 1/2 out of five Buckwheat Jan's)

Arkansas Thunder Chickens

The Thunder Chickens finished with only four selections and their focus seemed to be more on the future than on 2009 (With one major exception). With the seventh pick, The Chicks grabbed AJ Pierzynski's eventual replacement in the wonderfully named Buster Posey. I really don't care if the kid can play or not, I almost gave them 5 Yasmine's just for his name. Buster Posey. God, I love that kid! The Arkansas Buster Poseys. Winner! Alright, there was a little after The Pose, but not all that much. Mat Gamel is another youngster, a hitting-machine outfielder masquerading as a thirdbaseman. Now, I'm not talking a Schumaker-style masquerade, mind-you, but this kid will be lining up with Colby Rasmus chasing flies, I'm tellin' you. The average age of three of the four Chicken draftees is about 11. Throw in sixty-seven year old closer Trevor Hoffman and we get to about the league average. Hoffman will fill a big need in the bullpen as the alleged closer at the end of last season, Billy Wagner, blew out his Angel Salome and will miss all of 2009. Lucky him. Last and least, starting pitcher Jess Todd was brought into the fold. I haven't the foggiest idea who this is. If you'da aksed me before this article I woulda guessed Speaker of the House. Lincoln's son? I have no idea. So, that's two good yay's, an ok and a huh??? Total those up and you come up with....
(Two 1/2 out of five Buckwheat Jan's)

Scottsdale Hawkeyes

This one's sort of all over the place. The biggest needs going into the draft were A) A shortstop with the lifespan of an agoraphobic amoeba and 2) A secondbaseman that really qualifies as a major league baseballer. Yyyyyyyeahhhhh. The shortstop was sort of handled with High Schooler Tim Beckham, but Miguel Tejada's children will be long since retired when this kid hits the Scottsdale field. Secondbase? Hell, Schumaker's suddenly lookin' not so bad, Chico. One thing the 'Eyes really didn't need in this draft was a starting pitcher. So natch, they drafted four of them- young 'uns Trevor Cahill, Brian Matusz, not so young 'un Micah Owings and an old Scottsdale nightmare reanimated, Carl Pavano. Apparently, a Scottsdale bean counter figured out the overload and they've since shipped Pavano and Owings out of town for a half-eaten Philly cheesesteak. The bullpen blackhole was addressed by bringing back last year's closer, Brian Wilson and former Hawkeye-closer-of-the-future Joey Devine. Marco Scutaro and Greg Dobbs. Yeah, them too. So, if you're counting at home, and I know you are, that's five of the 10 players the Hawkeyes drafted that have already been Hawkeyes at one time or another. Narcissistic much?? Here's my thing. This isn't the usual Hawkeye crappy draft- If this were Raleigh's draft, it would probably be near the top, but it wasn't a great draft for Scottsdale. Maybe they were drafting for Raleigh? Maybe Scottsdale should go back to the bid draft. Or maybe they did and that's the problem...
(Two 1/2 out of five Buckwheat Jan's)

Las Vegas Devil Rays

Now, the D-Rays had no picks in this draft, but I do remember they got Carlos Gonzalez for their first round pick, so that right there makes this a better draft than half of these yoo-hoos. After going through the first eight teams in this draft, maybe all of them should've traded their picks!
(Two 1/2 out of five Buckwheat Jan's)

New York Knights

Blah, blah, blah, all of these drafts to this point are total cheeseball drafts. At least in my last article the terrible drafts were interesting. This is like expecting a date with Angelina Jolie and finding the Octomom at your door. The Knights needed a little firepower in their pitching staff to help keep the upward trend they started last season. Firepower doesn't really manifest itself in the arm of Jeremy Sowers, yet Mr. S was the only starting pitcher brought in. Sitting at number 5 in the draft, everyone in the free world expected them to take Khalil Greene to cover the gaping Grand Canyon they have at short. Unexpectedly, premier closer Francisco Rodriguez (That's K-Rod to his frenemies), fell into their lap and the Knights pulled the trigger. Personally, I'da rather seen Greene and then a closer in the second round. Instead, they go the opposite- bigtime closer and then Jeff Keppinger to man the six-hole. Now, Keppinger is no Greene, but he is Lou Gehrig compared to incumbent David Eckstein. The New Yorkers grabbed some talented yutes, though, in firstbaseman Yonder Alonzo and secondbaseman Jemile Weeks. For their sake, we hope that Jemile is more talented than older brother Rickie. Then again, the Octomom is probably more talented than Rickie, if not more fertile. To further bolster a previously sorry bullpen, former Oakland closer Huston Street was drafted to play caddy to K-Rod. Overall, an A+ for the pen, a gold star for the future and a swing and a miss on the rest. It may not be easy being Green, but it ain't gonna be easy in NY without Greene.
(Two 1/2 out of five Buckwheat Jan's)

Wild Maine Bull Moose

Ok, now we're getting out of the forest, Dorothy. Now, this was a draft! Wild Maine fell back 4 games in the win column last year, and I'm telling you right now, boychick, this draft will get them close to breaking even in '09. Even though they didn't have a pick until number 35, the Mainers drafted 13 players and I say that all thirteen will make this team and 11 of them should have an impact (That's Carlos Silva and Jeff Karstens playing the invisible men). On the mound, Zach Duke, Cha Seung Baek, Colin Balester and Clayton Richard won't remind anyone of Randy Johnson, but they will round out a pitching staff that desperately needed some rounding out. Jose Guillen and Marcus Thames will bring some thunder to a previously wimpyass outfield. The backstop was filled with Yadier Molina, who will start, and Rod Barajas, who won't. Matt Lindstrom throws a 170 mph fastball and he'll battle incumbent Matt Capps for closer duties. Thirdbaseman Willy Aybar will backup a couple of positions, while shortstop Jack Wilson will be a solid stand-in for new starter J.J. Hardy. See folks, this is how you do it- you grab talent where you need talent. Fill the holes. That's what my man Ray J says, fill the holes! Or, was it fill the ho's? Anyway, the one thing that keeps this draft from being in the top five is a lack of prospects, but after remaking almost half of your team without a pick in the top 34, that's just nitpicking. And, I'm not a nitpicker.
(Three out of five Hot Jan's)

Bellmore Braves

Whoo boy, you want to talk about futures. This here is the future, Sonny Jim. The Braves drafted six- count 'em, SIX prospects out of their ten picks and most of 'em are of the blue chip variety. Leading off, Bellmore jumped into the sixth pick and broke all of Scottsdale's hearts (Like the Hawkeyes don't do enough of that), by selecting shortstop-soon-to-be-secondbaseman extraordinaire, Gordon Beckham- who will soon be known to the world as the only Beckham that matters. At least he's not married to a mannequin. Not stopping there, in the third round, Bellmore picked up their future firstbaseman in power hitting Justin Smoak. Two picks, the future right side of the infield down. Not finished yet, they also plucked their future catcher, Carlos Santana (Who plays a mean geetar, I hear), and three guys that may end up in the rotation before long in Aaron Poreda, Shairon Martis (Sounds like an alien from Star Trek that Kirk nailed) and Steven Shell. In all, that's 3/5 of their future infield. And probably future All-Stars at that. Not wanting to solely draft the cast from 'Our Gang', the Braves brought in Jack Cust so that they would have Adam Dunn and Mini-Dunn. Former Athletic Joel Zumaya can still throw the ball right through you (And hopefully, has given up Geetar Hero), and he'll go to the pen along with another former Athletic (Manny Corpas- Exactly how many former Oakland bullpenners can be drafted in one year?!?!), while shortstop Jason Bartlett will come in on the first day and take up a roster space. This draft will be remembered in Bellmoreland for years as they netted at least three future studlies. So, why is this draft not in the top five you ask? With the exception of the bullpen, it didn't really improve the team much this season. Granted- coming off their worst-ever season, all they really need is for the pitching staff to revert back to 2007 and they'll be fine. Oh, but in a couple of years.....
(Three out of five Hot Jan's)

That's all from being stuck in the middle, folks! If you've been keeping track- and you'd be foolish not to- you know that leaves us with Louisvile, Arizona, the Chicago White Sox, Bermuda and Oakland to vie for the top spot as we finally get to five teams that know something about a draft. If you're still awake after this trip to snoozeville, join me next time for champagne and caviar with special guest Robin Leach! Until then,

Aces everyone