C.R.A.B.S. CAKES
Domo Aragato, Mr. Roboto, it is I, Ace, here to finish off your unquenchable thirst for inspiration. Or at least, to finish off the 2009 C.R.A.B.S. Free Agent Draft review. We started off with five lousy drafts, revved up with seven la-la boring drafts and now we finish here with the five drafts that might actually matter in 2009- and possibly even beyond. Now, most of you can just read and enjoy, but there are exactly 11 general managers that should grab a pen and paper and take some notes. You know who you are! This time, with the help of the Blonde Goddess herself, we're going to flip this thing backwards and leave the very best for the very last. So, without further ado- and seriously, haven't we had enough ado?- my gift to you, the finest of the fine.....
The Five Who Get It
Louisville Rednecks
Now, I don't know who's more shocked- you or me- that the Louisvillers made the top five. About the only top 5 list they've made recently is the 'Most Players on a Roster that belong to the AARP'. Louisville came into the draft really needing one thing. Well Ok, they needed about 12 of those one things. Pitching. Pitching. Pitching. And a little more Pitching. Look at it like this- The Dave Clark Five outnumbered the starting rotation of the Rednecks. In fact, you could accidentally lose a member of the Dave Clark Five and still outnumber the Redneck rotation. Heh, heh- Redneck rotation (Insert Jeff Foxworthy here). Unable to draft the Dave Clark Five, Louisville went the next best route- they drafted the Dave May Five- Dana Eveland, Kenshin Kamamamakamakami, Kyle Davies, Rich Hill and Three Fingers Brown. Oh sorry, Horacio Ramirez. Now, don't get me wrong- none of them are going to be confused with Johan Santana in Redneck Camp- in fact, none of them are going to be confused with anyone remotely good- but, they're alive (mostly), pitchers, starters, and they will help fill in the empty, dark, cold void. The 'Necks also helped out their thin infield depth with shortstop Cristian Guzman, secondbaseman Mike Fontenot and thirdbaseman Pedro Feliz. Fontenot and Feliz just could find themselves with starting gigs, to boot. Louisville even got a nice little prospect in firstbaseman Gaby Sanchez (Not that they needed a young firstbaseman with Chris Davis, but what are you gonna do, just sneeze at talent? No, you don't sneeze at talent). If I had a complaint about this draft- and I do- it's that the outfield wasn't addressed, but the 'Necks were busy elsewhere. This draft didn't make Oakland quake in their Keds, but Louisville plugged the holes that needed to be plugged the most. I'm going to rate this draft based on filling needs, not necessarily on talent, so they get....
(Three 1/2 out of five Marilyn's)
Arizona Diamondbacks
Unlike alot of teams- like Louisville, say- the D-backs didn't go into the draft with a humonguous, bulbuous, festering need. Granted, this is Arizona so what is a weakness today could be a strength tomorrow and vice-versa. Overall, Arizona brought in a little bit of everything- this is the Menudo of drafts (The eats, not the Ricky Martinesque prepubescents)- if it's out there, throw it in the pot and see what comes out. You've got your prospects, your backups, your retreads, your potential breakouts- pretty much everything is in here with the exception of Ryan Howard- which we're pretty sure Arizona would've drafted if they had one more pick available. With the number four pick, AZ plucked future outfield stud muffin, Dexter Fowler and then came back eight picks later to grab future top-part-of-the-rotation-guy Jordan Zimmerman. Two picks, two solid futures. After the young 'uns, Arizona really went grab-baggin', grabbing backup outfielder Coco Crisp and potential starting leftfielder Daniel Murphy. Jason Marquis was brought in- apparently as part of the Witness Protection Program from what I can gather. This year's new closer will be 5th round reliever Joel Hanrahan and the backstop backup position was filled with the suddenly powerful, suddenly chic Kelly Shoppach. Firstbaseman Travis Ishikawa was an interesting pick in the sixth round- at least until he was shipped off to Texas as part of the Stimulus Package. With all of this, the D-backs hit some future payoff, filled in holes with a couple of players that were expected to go much earlier than they did and I still haven't mentioned the guy that just might end up being the best of them all. So, I won't. Oh alright, don't get your panties in a bunch. Thirdbaseman Dayan Viciedo just may end up being the best of this bunch- but, you probably won't see him in Arizona until 2010. Then again, this is Arizona, so you probably won't see him in Arizona EVER. Unless, he's included in a deal to bring Ryan Howard back to town.....
(Three 1/2 out of five Marilyn's)
Bermuda Triangles
Just like Arizona, the 'Angles brought in a little touch of everything. They filled some needs, grabbed some prospects, nailed some ho's....Alright, no, they didn't nail anything, they just hepped themselves all over the place. How 'bout some prospects? You've got two potential aces as bookends of the Bermuda draft in Neftali Feliz and Chris Tillman. You won't see either this year, but they'll probably start poking their heads in next year and start leading this staff in 2012. You want some outfield depth? How about Nelson Cruz, who has put up crazy monster numbers in the minors the past couple of years. Need a Mike Jacobs-escape plan? Helllooo, Jason Giambi, who still has plenty of pop left in that sexy, old bat of his. You've got some rotation depth in Brad Penny and Las Vegas' all-time leading winner Bartolo Colon. Need Kenji Johjima insurance? (And let's be frank- who doesn't?) Well ok, Miguel Olivo will have to do. They even brought in Russell Branyan even though they didn't really need him. Because they could! So, when all is said and done- the only potential hole that Bermuda still has is behind the plate. Gerald Laird might've worked better than secondbaseman Mark Ellis did in the third round, but the way we figure it, they'll just end up trading Ellis to Scottsdale for Victor Martinez anyway, so that's a wash. Bermuda didn't have many holes to fill, but they did cover everything- except maybe catcher- and also fortified the Triangle future. What more could you want???
(Four out of five Marilyn's)
Oakland Athletics
Talk about not needing to fill a hole, the Athleticos could have passed on all of their picks and still been a favorite to win their third straight title. But, since Alex Rodriguez slept with Madonna and will miss the first quarter of the season while receiving daily penicillin and tetanus injections, the A's decided to participate in the draft, just for kicks. The kicks started off with two jewelly-gems to go into the rotation to fight for a spot with all of the other jewelly-gems the A's already have (Do Tim Lincecum, Scott Kazmir or David Price ring a bell?). Tommy Hanson and Madison Bumgarner are the latest Oakland rotation pearls. The A-Rod hole at third was plugged in a couple of ways- today in the form of Andy LaRoche and tomorrow in Pedro Alvarez, David Price's former Vanderbilt teammate for those of you who didn't know that they were former Vanderbilt teammates. Since Oakland had no one in the bullpen, they decided NOT to bring back Huston Street, but instead they went with Chris Perez and Frank Francisco to round out the No-Name Bullpen. We're assuming they're all going to stand in the Oakland bullpen since Oakland, Frank Francisco and chairs seem to be a deadly combination. With their last pick, Oakland grabbed Luis Castillo, apparently out of pity. But, the one pick that will bring a tear to any Oakland fan is, of course, the guy they brought in with the 26th pick- their all-time leader in wins, strikeouts, shutouts, innings, facial hair and scary haircuts, ladies and gentlemen, after a three-year hiatus, we give you- Randy Johnson. Figuring this might be Johnson's last season, he needs 14 wins to become the all-time league leader, and if he could do that in his Oakland home of so many years, well that would just bring a tear to your eye. Panzy. Not that they needed the help, but the defending champs had the second-best draft in the league. Suckahs!
(Four 1/2 out of five Marilyn's)
Chicago White Sox
So, here it is, what we've all been waiting for- the supreme, numero uno C.R.A.B.S. draft in 2009. As a longtime reader of this article- which you are- you know that the WhiSox and I have had a rather bumpy little love-hate relationship. When I pick them to win, they lose and when I pick them to lose, they win. Last year we started to make up a bit and this draft just sealed the deal, Squiggly. The WhiSox had twelve picks total in the draft, and I'm telling you, they didn't whiff on any of them. They brought in talent, a prospect here and there, filled out their roster and solidified their standing as the second-best team in the American League. Which, is really the second-best team in C.R.A.B.S. when you really think about it. After being stuck with the less-than-productive Ryan Garko at first and the even-less-than-productiver Yvonne Goolagong at short, the WhiSox stood with the 11th and 13th picks in the draft and lo and behold, firstbaseman Casey Kotchman and shortstop Khalil Greene fall into their laps. I figured both would be gone by the eigth pick. Bam! There's half a new infield. With only the lonely Ramon Hernandez behind the plate, Chicago grabbed Gerald Laird in the third round to battle for starting rights- another player I had going in the first round. Outfield depth aplenty came in the persons of Shin-Soo Choo, Juan Rivera, Ryan Spilborghs and Ryan Sweeney- you've got average, power, speed and defense all covered right there. Potential closer Brad Ziegler came in the sixth round, and let's not forget future Hall-of-Famers Todd Helton and Tom Glavine, who will add depth, knowledge and smashing golf games to the mix. In addition to adding to almost every position on the field, Chicago brought in a couple of blue-chip prospects in fastballer Daniel Bard and his future batterymate, Angel Salome. This draft has it all- youth, experience, speed, power, positional coverage, biorhythms, somebody named Choo, hell it probably added some stem cell research, to boot. This is how it's done, folks, research, repeat and rinse.
(FIVE out of five Marilyn's)
That's it for the draft rehash, Kladiddlehoppers. If I'm not rounded up by Congress in the next AIG scandal, there's a rumor that I might be back with my almost-annual season predictions. If that isn't enough to keep you warm until Opening Day, there's always Baywatch reruns. Until then,
Aces everyone
