C.R.A.B.S. CAKES

Hola muchachos, it's me- Ace- back to learn you all good and plenty about the Buck O'Neil Division! And here you were looking forward to the final episode of ER. Wait- in perfect ER-fashion, let me commercialize this article for you. (Deep voice)- If you only read one C.R.A.B.S. preview this year, don't miss this Thursday's extra-superdy-special episode of C.R.A.B.S. Cakes, starring Anthony Edwards as Dr. Greene, Sir Dame Judy Dench as Mary Magdalene and George Clooney as NOT Batman. (End deep voice). Ooooh, I feel all goose-pimply now. Alright, so here's the dealio- over the next four days, you'll be gettin' a brand-new, heapin-good slice of Ace each and everyday. It's like Christmas in April, basically. Each day, I will delve into the nether regions of C.R.A.B.S. (Sounds like Amy Winehouse's life), with a review of each division. To start us off, I will go straight to the bottom of the barrel and go over C.R.A.B.S. sorriest division- Sorry, Paige- the Buck O'Neil. This division is on the up-and-up, though, with one solid-strong team and three improving franchises. Still, as I see it- this is a one-team race. Well, let's just get on with it before I give it all away.....

BUCK O'NEIL DIVISION

Chicago White Sox

After missing the playoff cut four years running, the Sox finally took my advice last season and got good. Real good. With their first division championship since way back in '02 and their first 70-win season Evahhh, the Paler hoses established themseffs as a force to be reckoned with in the 'ol AL. Despite bringing in the creme de la creme in the Free Agent Draft, by-and-large this is going to be the same Chicago team you've grown to love. Manny Ramirez and Magglio Ordonez start their fourth season together as the main bashers in the Sox offensive engine, and this season they're going to have plenty of help. Dustin Pedroia (.316, 30 Doubles, 73 Runs) is back at second after a splendiferous second season, this time teaming with first-year C.R.A.B.S. player, Khalil Greene at short. The starter the last few years in Chi-town, Yuniesky Butterball garnered a whole 3 Spocks and 32 RBI in alllll of last season. Greene should have that total by the second week of the season. Ryan Garko again gets the nod at the 1-bag, backed up by the dinosaur Todd Helton and Adrian Beltre (19 Googlers, 57 RBI) is at the 5-hole, in a contract year. And we all know what that means. Corey Hart didn't wear his sunglasses at night, but he did put together a beauty of a sophomore season with 32 Doubles, 16 Dopplegangers, 18 stolen bags and 67 RBI. J.D. Drew, rookie Shin-Soo (Ahh) Choo and Juan Rivera fill out a deep and potent outfield. On the hill, expect Ricky Nolasco (8-4, 3.74), Gil Meche (14-8, 4.33) and Fausto Carmona (5-5, 4.28) to be the big three, but this entire rotation is full of talent and experience, including former Sox ace Bronson Arroyo (6-1, 3.17) and former Sacramento stalwart Tom Glavine (2-7, 5.09 in Amsterdam). Matt Garza (10-4, 4.13) was added to mix with the recent Casey Kotchman trade that solidifies this unit as the AL's best outside of that group clustered in Oakland. Francisco Cordero is back as the closer after notching 10 saves for the Sox in '08, joined this time by sidearming rookier Brad Ziegler. This here is the best squad the South Side has ever seen- and we're talking about a team that's been to three World Series, folks. Chicago is THE team that can threaten Oakland's status as American League Champs. In the O'Neil, it don't get better than this, Chub.

74-46, O'Neil Division Champion

Arkansas Thunder Chickens

After the 2005 season and their second consecutive World Series defeat, if you were to ask any bub off the street what team was the most successful C.R.A.B.S. franchise, he likely would've said, "What's C.R.A.B.S.?" If you happened to find someone entirely too starved for entertainment that they'd actually heard of the league, the answer would've been the Sacramento Giants (Thems the Arkansas T-Chickens now, for alla y'all that don't know'd). Then, just like the Romans before them, this empire fell. Now, we're not talking 'bout no Raleigh-style plunge, but just a fall out of contention. The Chicks moved to Arkansas last season, shred just about every last stitch of Sacramento not named Chipper Jones, and have started to rebuild Rome. It's just going to take more than a day. This isn't Extreme Team Makeover, doncha know. Ain't no Ty Wiggingham....Ty Wiggerington.....Ty the carpenter guy around these parts. The move to Arkansas punched up 11 more wins in the W column and each of the last three seasons have shown improvement in the standings (If not their record) as they've gone from fourth to third to second- so if we follow this trend, we.....no, we don't finish in first. Nice try there, Tonto. In '08, everyone was excited about Albert Pujols after he came over in a trade from Atlanta, but he wasn't even the best player on the team. That honor went to Josh Hamilton, but he's in Oakland now so I won't talk about him. Pujols (.345, 20 Gonzaga's, 70 RBI) is back, this time- we believe- to be the best player on the team. Around the infield, you're going to see the same faces- Chipper, Jose Lopez (.312, 30 Doubles) at second, Edgar Renteria (Eh, you really don't want to know) at short and the always snuggly AJ Pierzynski behind the dish. The noticeable Chicken change in '09 is going to be in the outfield with Lastings Milledge and Jeremy Hermida coming over from Oaktown in the Hamilton deal, to team with ex-Triangle Ryan Ludwick (20 Sammy Davis's in only 63 games) to form an all-new, all-improved, Foster Farms outfield. Aaron Cook (11-8, 4.18) and John Danks (10-7, 3.17) head an ok rotation that will also attempt to reanimate John Smoltz one more time, just for kicks. Trevor Hoffman was brought in to close because the team didn't feel it had enough 40-year old pitchers in-house. This team is getting there- I'm more excited about a couple of young players that you'll see this year, Colby Rasmus and David Freese, and two that you won't- Buster Posey and Mat Gamel. The future looks bright, but unfortunately for Arkansasanonians, today is not the future.

63-57, 2nd Place

Wild Maine Bull Moose

Heading into Year Three of the Bull Moose experiment, there ain't never been more excitement in Maine since Stephen King wrote 'The Shining'. Somehow, the Moose pulled off a nifty trick last season in that they won four less games than their inaugural season of '07, yet moved up in the standings. Taaaa-dahhhhh! Watch me pull a fiscally-responsible economy out my.....Ahem, trust me, David Coppertone's left town- there ain't gonna be noooo magic like that this season. Any move up, Jeffersons-style, is going to have to be because these Mooses earned it. And honestly, they've improved enough where a break (Chipper Jones' leg) here and a break (Albert Pujols' spine) there, and they could conceivably sneak themselves into second. Don't go bettin' what's left of your 401k on that happenin', but I'm just tryin' to paint you a lifelike picture of the leaps and bounds the Mooses improved themselves by. The pitching staff is almost completely different- which is a good thing- with only holdovers John Lannan (5-12, 3.87), Jarrod Washburn (5-7, 4.67), Daniel Cabrera (1-7, 3.95) and closer Matt Capps (4 Saves, 3.40) returning after making multiple (disastrous) appearances last season. Coming in to help out General Custer, Carl Pavano received some Botox injections in his arm and will try to revert to his winning form from the late-1800's, while Zach Duke (3-3, 5.97 for the Cubbies) could be a huuuuuge plus. Or a huuuuuuge bust. Could go either way on that one. Jeff Karstens, Clayton Richard and Cha Seung Baek are all Moose-rookies (We call them Mooskies) that should at least make the BM's competitive on a daily basis. Now, you'll never confuse this as the resurrection of the old Sacramento rotations, but it's gobs better than last season. The team MVP from last year, Jermaine Dye (26 Hobbes, 69 RBI, 604 Points) is back, but he's got so much more help this season that he just might explode cuz he's just too full of happy. Most of the infield is the same, Freddy Sanchez (.247, 47 Runs, Yawn) at second, the always-injured Scott Rolen (Spleen, Spine, Big Toe, Other Big Toe) at third and former D-Ray Paul Konerk-oh (.210, 5 dinks in 56 Moose games) all return, some out of necessity, others because of the bailout fallout. New to the Wild Maine scene are shortstop J.J. Hardy (24 Kongs the last two seasons with the Cubs & 'Angles) and catcher Yadier Molina (.314, 14 RBI in NY). Molina's offense has been improving and Hardy should come in and hit at least 20 big flies to challenge Big Man Dye for the team lead. Speedy (Carlos) Gomez and speedier Willy Taveras will chase flies with Dye, while Big Boppers Jose Guillen and Marcus Thames will mud wrestle for time at DH. It may not show up in the standings at the end of the season, but the Moose are the most-improved team in all of C.R.A.B.S.-land heading into '09. It would take some luck and the aforementioned injuries to the T-Chickens to move up, but this is the start of a really competitive O'Neil Division.

50-70, 3rd Place

Raleigh Red Sox

There ain't nowhere to go but up, right? Riiight???? The wheels fell off in Raleigh last season like nothing seen since.....since.....well yeah, Britney Spears. They blowed up reallll good. It seems like only 2006 that the Red Sox stood atop the C.R.A.B.S. mountain, smirking at all of the losers. Then a 33-game drop in the W column from '07 to '08 and SPLAT, the whole thing is in need of blowing up- this time in a goodly way. Let's start on the hill as the Sox bring back only three of the pitchers that inhabited the same mound last season, John Maine (9-13, 4.13), Clay Buchholz (1-4, 6.95) and closer Jonathan Papelbon (6 saves- somehow- 1.80). Unfortunately, they didn't add anyone of the Johan Santana-variety, but they did bring in some solid vets that should lend some stability (As well as much-needed innings) in Raleigh's all-time win leader Jamie Moyer (7-4, 4.65 in Louisville), knuckleballer Tim Wakefield (6-6, 4.21- Coincidentally, ALSO in Louisville), Jeff Suppan (5-1, 5.20 NOT in Louisville) and Mike Hampton (Fresh from the grave). Micah Owings and Chan Ho Park (Eeegad man, did I just say Chan Ho Park???) round out the league's most improved rotation. Then again, Britney Spears and Margaret Thatcher would've been an improvement on last year's starting staff. Papelbon leads a strong- and overflowing- bullpen that might actually be the strength of the team. Offensively, we're looking at pretty much the same cast of wannabe's- minus the smart ones who retired. Jason Varitek drags his old bones out behind the plate for what will probably be the last year of his sentence. Ahem, I mean career. Kevin Yoooookillus (16 Samurai, 72 RBI) is back at first, Placido Polanco (.312, 68 Runs) is at second, Mark DeRosa (.274, 20 Doubles, 64 RBI) heads to third fulltime, while short will be handled by a sparkly new rookie in Elvis Andrus. Let him be your teddy bear. In the outfield- again, pretty much the same, holdovers Jacoby Ellsbury (.277, 61 Runs, 33 SBs) and Johnny Damon (.320, 60 Runs) are joined by Josh Anderson, who may just be a little too green to hep much. Ken Griffey, Jr. is back, to help out wherever he can (Can he pitch???), looking to somehow, someway come up with 58 ribbies so he can reach the 1,000 mark. The possible MVP of the bunch just might be the first pick from the Free Agent Draft, Pablo Sandoval, who will see time behind the plate, at first and third, DHing, and on Thursday nights reading fortunes from tea bags. This team is a conglomeration of players whose time hasn't quite come yet (Buchholz- Clay, Ellsbury, Sandoval) and those who are at the end of the road (Park, Wakefield, Varitek, Griffey). This team is way, way, WAY better than the Sox of '08, they play in the sorriest division known to man, but even as improved as they are, it still leaves them bringing up the arse end of the O'Neil.

39-81, 4th Place

That's the way the O'Neil rolls in '09, kids. Now, wasn't that fun?? Come back with me tomorrow as we go on a wild and wacky tour of the Cool Papa Bell Division. We'll have ice cream and gummie bears, it'll be a super swell time. Until then,

Aces everyone