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March 12, 2001
Hey there, Hi there, Ho there. Blah, blah, blah. Yes, fans, it's true- I'm back! Alright, enough with the festivities, let's get on to bidness. This week, I've done even more homework for C.R.A.B.S.' lazy-ass GM's, as I've scoured the land and scouted out the winners and the losers for this Sunday's Free Agent Draft. Now, to all the GM's out there whose teams' will play better, draw better, possibly even win the World Series, due solely to my work here- Please, no need to thank me. My meager little paycheck is more than enough for me. Who the hell bankrolls this league anyway, Kathy Lee Gifford!?! Let's just get on with it, while I'm still in the mood. The players are listed by position, in order of my special rankings, in which I use a massively complicated formula of averages, statistical probabilities, and a little eeny meeny meiny moe. And the winners are: (Thank God Elizabeth Taylor's not handing these out!)

CATCHER
  1. Mitch Meluskey
  2. Darrin Fletcher
  3. Ben Petrick
  4. Brad Ausmus
  5. Chris Widger
  6. Einar Diaz
  7. Brent Mayne
  8. Gregg Zaun
  9. John Flaherty
  10. Eddie Taubensee
Meluskey will hit, but will he play everyday? Fletcher and Ausmus are provens, while Petrick holds the potential. After them guys, we're talking backups, dudes.

FIRST BASE
  1. Lee Stevens
  2. Rico Brogna
  3. David McCarty
  4. John Jaha
  5. Chris Richard
  6. Wally Joyner
  7. Greg Colbrunn
Stevens and Brogna could help out some teams, but if you're looking for a saviour- you need to look elsewhere, bub. After that- Pee-uuw! Alright, Richard might be worth a buck or two.

SECOND BASE
  1. Todd Walker
  2. Jose Ortiz
  3. Mark Grudzielanek
  4. David Bell
  5. Warren Morris
  6. Bobby Smith
  7. Bill Spiers
  8. Jay Canizaro
  9. Enrique Wilson
  10. Mickey Morandini
Walker is the prize, Ortiz the sleeper. Grudzielanek and Bell are useful caddies. Watch out for Morris- He could either be the bargain of the draft, or the biggest bust. I'll let you know which- after the season.

SHORTSTOP
  1. Damian Jackson
  2. Melvin Mora
  3. Geoff Blum
  4. Benji Gil
  5. Jose Vizcaino
  6. Rey Ordonez
  7. Scott Sheldon
  8. Manny Alexander
Well, any list that has Benji Gil as number four, well, haha, um, well, I don't believe the FCC will let me say what that is. Jackson has speed and not much else. Mora can hit, but not catch. But damn, if they both don't look like Alex Rodriguez compared to the rest of these schlups.

THIRD BASE
  1. Phil Nevin
  2. Vinny Castilla
  3. Ken Caminiti
  4. Herbert Perry
  5. Russ Davis
  6. Pedro Feliz
  7. Scott Spiezio
  8. Lenny Harris
  9. Wes Helms
  10. Tony Fernandez
Nevin's already played with four different C.R.A.B.S. teams already, but here he is, one of the gems of the draft. Castilla could be a bargain if he can rebound from last year's stinker. Caminiti...Yes, Caminiti. Nice pick, if doesn't pull another Robert Downey, Jr. Perry and Davis are serviceable reserves.

OUTFIELD
  1. Johnny Damon
  2. Roger Cedeno
  3. Tom Goodwin
  4. Todd Hollandsworth
  5. Ichiro Suzuki
  6. Timo Perez
  7. Ricky Ledee
  8. Peter Bergeron
  9. Henry Rodriguez
  10. Juan Pierre
Johnny Damon. Johnny Damon. Johnny Damon. 'Nuff said.

STARTING PITCHERS
  1. Rick Helling
  2. Albie Lopez
  3. Jose Mercedes
  4. Paul Abbott
  5. Brian Moehler
  6. Blake Stein
  7. Jon Rauch
  8. Rolando Arrojo
  9. Glendon Rusch
  10. Osvaldo Fernandez
Helling and Lopez could help improve rotations, but there sure ain't no number ones here, Yo!

RELIEF PITCHERS
  1. Kazuhiro Sasaki
  2. Jeff Shaw
  3. Bob Wickman
  4. Curtis Leskanic
  5. Ryan Kohlmeier
  6. Esteban Yan
  7. Tim Crabtree
  8. Jeff Brantley
  9. Jose Mesa
  10. Mark Wohlers
There's no shortage of prime closers, led by Sasaki, Shaw, Wickman, and Leskanic. Even young Kohlmeier would be a nice pickup.

OK, that's it. I've done all I can possibly do. I'm back next week to review the draft and see who listened to me. Until then, Aces everyone.........