C.R.A.B.S. CAKES

Good afternoon, Young Jedi- it is I, Master Ace, here to learn you in the ways of C.R.A.B.S. Feel the crab, Jedi, feel the crab deep inside you. Alright I'm scaring myself, soooo yesterday I took you on a trip to the league's sorriest division (The O'Neil in case you didn't take notes), so today I'm going to take you to the league's most competitve division. This here is C.R.A.B.S.' equivalent to the NFL's old Black and Blue Division or the NHL's Norris Division. These guys are just going to beat up on each other all year long and whoever happens to be ahead (And alive) at the whistle wins. So, in true Black and Blue fashion, let's get right to the fisticuffs!

COOL PAPA BELL DIVISION

Bellmore Braves

The Braves were in a dead heat with Scottsdale over the first half of last season to see which team could faceplant more decisively. We'll call it a tie. Although, both teams came out of the tailspin, Bellmore couldn't quite make up enough ground and ended with their first-ever third place finish and out of the playoffs for only the second time in their five-year history. What caused the meltdown? A couple of things- injuries, bad pitching and injured pitchers pitching badly. The team ERA soared almost a full run over their World Series season of 2007, in large part because of injuries to ace Erik Bedard (9-3, 3.67) and sad, horrible, sadly horrible performances by Ian Snell (3-7, 6.99) and Tom Gorzelanny (5-5, 5.16). Bedard is back- allegedly healthy, and he'll have company at the top of the rotation this season, with last year's top performer, James Shields (13-9, 3.58) and off-season acquisitions Josh Beckett (13-5, 4.19 in Las Vegas), Chris Young (4-3, 3.76, Conveniently, also in Las Vegas) and Justin Duchsherer (7-6, 3.14 for the Cubbies). Ted Lilly (1-2, 6.23) also returns to battle Snell and rookie Shairon Martis for scrap innings behind the big five. Longtime closer Chad Cordero tore his prognosticator and was done early in the year, leading the way for some Kobayashi guy to lead the team with one, whole, singular save. Shoring up that problem, Cordero was the shown the door, replaced by former Oakland relievers Manny Corpas and injury-magnet Joel Zumaya. We'll call that one a wash. Offensively, the Braves missed the big bat of Big Papi, as Mr. Ortiz appeared in only 64 games, even though he did hit 14 Shakira's in that short time on the field. The pitching staff may look completely different, but you'll find familiar faces all around the infield in thirdbaseman David Wright (.287, 21 Tommy Chongs, 81 RBI), shortstop Jose Reyes (.303, 75 Runs, 35 SBs), and firstbaseman (Yo!) Adrian Gonzalez (28 Jimmy's, 85 RBI). New to the fold, replacing the departed Kelly Johnson is stud secondbaseman Ian Kinsler (.322, 37 Doubles, 148 Hits in Arizona) and backstop Chris Iannetta. In the outfield, you'll still find the always-productive Carlos Lee (28 Jacks, 99 RBI) and Adam Dunn (A league-leading 30 Bam-Bam's), who will be joined this year by Brad Hawpe (.306, 58 RBI in Las Vegas) instead of Alfonso Soriano. If the Big Papster is healthy, he should be back in the DH role. If not, does it really matter? This is Big Papi we're talking about here!!! This here is a revamped, revitalized, reshaped Bellmore team, one that is set to take the Bell Division back. If I have one worry about them, it's that the pitching is a little top-heavy. But, if you compare that problem to the problems of, say Louisville's pitching, that ain't no real problem, Sally. The Bell flag stops here.

70-50, Bell Division Champion

Atlanta Crackers

After playing like old ladies in their inaugural season of '07, the Crackuhs retooled and kicked some National League arse last season, romping to the Bell title and a franchise-high (duh) 73 wins. Can they repeat the feat? Well, let's just find out! Last year's squad was led by some stout pitching and a solid, if unspectacular offense. The pitching staff looks a wee bit different this year- it's kind of like trying to decide which one is better, Laverne or Shirley. Gone are ace Cole Hamels and mini-ace Matt Garza, replaced by Daisuke Matsuzaka (8-6, 2.97 in Texas) and Kenshin Ooomowmowmamaoohmowmow. This is a little drop. Hamels is more dominant and consistent than Dice-K, and we really don't know about the other guy with the crazy name. Matt Cain (8-3, 3.60) is also back, along with Javier Vazquez (6-13, 4.71) and newcomer Jon Garland (7-8, 3.77 in Raleigh). Between Dice-K, Kamaoooohmowmow, Cain, Vazquez and Jair Jurrjens (7-5, 2.56), the rotation shows quality and occasional dominance. The back end of the rotation gets a little iffy. Rookies Derek Holland and Rick Porcello could help or could be complete non-factors. Bobby Jenks (8 Saves, 1.99) is back as the closer, getting a little help this year from Mike Gonzalez (2.21 in 13 games in Raleigh). Overall, I think this unit is going to have trouble matching the 3.50 team ERA of a year ago. It's solid, don't get me wrong, just not quite as sparkly. Speaking offensively- and I do- Brian McCann (20 Yaks, 70 RBI, .311) was spectacular behind the dish and teamed Batman-Robin style with new DH Prince Fielder (26 Bobo's, 67 RBI) in the middle of the lineup. The rest of the infield is all new- gone are Brandon Phillips, Michael Young and whoever they had at third, replaced by secondbaseman Kelly Johnson (28 Doubles, 43 RBI in Bellmore), shortstop Jed Lowrie (7 At-bats in Bellmore) and the hopefully-no-longer-injured Ryan Zimmerman (.254, only 7 Junkyard Dog's in 60 games for Arizona) at the hot corner. The jury's out on this one- Johnson's steady, but not as productive as Phillips, Lowrie's a comer, but shouldn't be able to touch Michael Young- at least not yet, but a healthy Zimmerman should be able to replace the production of whoever they had at third last year. Casey Kotchman takes over firstbase duties from Fielder, which should result in alot fewer hilarious defensive plays. Curtis Granderson (.310 in 26 games in Atlanta) is back for his first-full year as a Crackuh, and he is THE big gun in this offense. Atlanta traded for Granderson-wannabe Cameron Maybin earlier in the off-season, and if he can do a decent Mini-Curtis in his rookie season, the outfield is going to real good. Well, at least two-thirds of it, anyway. Rightfield is manned by the implosion known as Jeff Francoeur (A measly 9 Flapjacks, .221), who completely fell on his face in his Atlanta debut. Franklin Gutierrez and Jordan Schafer standby in case of another Frenchy crash-and-burn. This is a retuned Crackuh unit, one that I'm not completely sure matches up with a retuned Bellmore force. I'm gonna take a wait-and-see on these guys, but I think we're looking at...

65-55, 2nd Place

Bermuda Triangles

In '06, the 'Angles became the first team to win 70 games and miss the playoffs and came back last year and barely squeezed a .500 season out and again missed the playoffs. If it weren't for playing in the most competitive division in the league, the Bermie's would prolly be two-for-two, instead they've taken two Francouer-type air-catching swings. How can they fix it? Petition for a move to the O'Neil for starters! Alright, since that ain't a happenin', let's see what we have to work with. Since winnin' the title in '05, it's been three-straight non-playoff years here, not for lack of trying, though. Last season, the team was really led by a handful of studs, and then let down by a bunch of non-studs. Firstbase was a strength last year with Derek Lee leading the way, but he was shipped off for secondbaseman Brian Roberts (72 Runs, 120 Hits, 27 SBs in Cub land). Roberts is a complete and utter star at second- and if you look across the land at second- you'll soon realize there ain't many of them. Mike Jacobs (16 Jackos, 45 RBI) was the original heir apparent to Lee, but that old sexy mustache himself, Jason Giambi (22 Pelosi's, 64 RBI in Atlanta), was brought in to fight for the job. I'm thinking it's going to be ol' JG, and I think he could have at least one more 25-dong year in him. If the G-man can reasonably facsimilate his ol' seff, then the addition of Roberts makes the right side stronger. Offensively, anyway. G couldn't catch the bird flu defensively. Flip to the Dark Side of the Infield (The original title of Pink Floyd's classic album, doncha know) and we find former Crackuh, former Redneck shortstop Michael Young. Why this guy keeps gettin' shipped out is a mystery to this expert as this guy just produces and produces and produces. Book it here, Dano- outside of those H-Ram & Utley dudes in Oaktown, Roberts and Young are the best DP combo in the whole entirety of C.R.A.B.S. Manning the hot corner, who knows? Could be incumbent Garrett Atkins (.295, 70 RBI) or former shortstop Carlos Guillen (.288, 50 RBI) or the mad bomber hisseff, Russell Branyan (7 Chaka's in only 93 lonely Louisville at-bats). My bet is Atkins, but either which way, third is covered pretty solidly in the Black Triangle of Death. Speaking of Black Death, signal caller Kenji Johjima was a complete offensive black hole last year and has since been replaced by Miguel Olivo, a catcher of no fixed talent. Actually, we'll call that 'Advantage- Bermuda'. Carlos Quentin (29 Dings, 76 RBI) dang near led the league in long flies after being heisted from Scottsdale, and he'll once again be flanked by centerfielder Ichiro Suzuki (.308, 76 Runs, 33 SB's- natch, waddya expect??) and rightfielder Jay Bruce (.259, 7 Bleeps in 50 games as a rook). Bruce should be sunshine good in his second go-round, and the other two will just keep doing what they do. The starters are a strength. The reserves are....hopefully not going to play that much. Randy Winn is back, and if intangibles related to runs, he'd be a starter. But, they don't. Rookie Nelson Cruz puts up monster minor league numbers, but this ain't the minor leagues. Feels like it. Feels ALOT like it. But, it ain't. Mike Cameron (.179, 14 Googly's for Da Cubs) surprised me, because I thought he retired like six years ago. There's alot of hope, prayers, spittle and goo going on in desperate hope that Quentin, Ichiro and Bruce stay healthy. DH duties could fall to Jacobs/Giambi or any of the two thirdbasemen that don't play in the field. Not bad. Toeing the rubber (And I ain't talkin' Wilt Chamberlain-style), Brad Lidge (11 Saves, 2.20) was crazy lights-out last season and he's back to headline the bullpen. The starting staff looks pretty familiar, headed by Carlos Zambrano (11-7, 3.42) and Ryan Dempster (11-8, 2.70) once again. Derek Lowe (5-7, 5.64) and Randy Wolf (7-2, 3.74) also return, but they're not the real story here. The real decider in the whole 'Angle season could just be whether or not these kids are alright. The kids? Yes, the kids. Chris Volstad, Jhoulys Chacin, Chris Tillman and Neftali Feliz. Now, I'm not sure how many of them will actually pitch in the Devil's Triangle this year (Volstad's the only certainty), but that's four HUGELY talented young hurlers. If two or three of them hit, they could push this boat overboard. I mean overboard in a good way. IF the kids come through, the 'Angles could surprise. More than likely, that's a year away, which would mean we're looking at....

63-57, 3rd Place

Texas Thundering Herd

The 2008 season marked the ninth time in the last 10 years that the Texas franchise has missed the playoffs (A 2004 Division title broke up the streak). That's a big number. A Texas-sized big number. Could 2009 bring a change of the Herd's fortune? Not in this division, I'm afraid, Missy. Now, don't start thinking that this is a team bereft of any talent like Raleigh, they do have talent- most of it just happens to be in the starting rotation. The Herd kicked out former ace Daisuke Matsuzaka, and another former ace Ben Sheets is going to be on the trainer's shelf for a good portion of the season, but the team can still trot out the monster that is Edinson Volquez (10-7, league-leading 2.21 ERA) to the mound, along with the healthy Yovanni Gallardo (2-0, 0.64) to form a strong 1-2 punch. After those two, though, things start falling apart. Greg Smith (5-3, 3.93 in Oakland) and Brian Bannister (4-5, 4.01) have had their moments, but they stretch credibility as the middle of the rotation. Vicente Padilla (2-3, 5.90) ain't the answer. The hope- faint hope- is that Yusmeiro Petit and Sean Marshall suddenly become the second and third coming of Greg Maddux. With the iffy back end of the rotation, it's a good thing the bullpen is stocked. Chris Ray saved 7 games in 2006-07, Fernando Rodney has closed on occasion and newcomer Brandon Lyon will probably be called on to throw some gas on the fire from time-to-time, but the kid to watch out for is rookie Jason Motte. Expect Motte to put up the best save numbers since Derek Lowe notched 11 for the team in 2000. With a spotty pitching staff, a strong offense could help overcome. Unfortunately, this isn't a strong offense. It should be much improved over last season, but the team is desperately missing a big bat or two like Albert Pujols or even Adrian Beltre. Last year's catcher, Ryan Doumit, was one of the few bright spots offensively, but he was shipped out- replaced by Brian Schneider and Kelly Shoppach. Shoppach's power is definitely needed here. At first, the T-Herd went with a couple of youngsters, Daric Barton (.273 in 66 Scottsdale ABs) and rookie Travis Ishikawa. Even if they hit at pedestrian levels, the youth is a refreshing change from last season. Clint Barmes (.278, 21 Runs) and All-Star shortstop Jhonny Peralta (32 2Bs, 18 Crack Ho's, .283) form the double play combo. The 5-hole is a conglomeration of issues. Eric Chavez can't stay healthy, Melvin Mora can't stop being old, and Ty Wigginton can't stop being Ty Wigginton. If- that's a BIG IF- one of those three can put some semblance of a season together, newcomer Jorge Cantu (19 Spazzola's in Atlanta) might slide over to first to help the kiddie corp. It's probably more likely that Ishikawa hits and Cantu mans third. The outfield is probably the most improved spot on the whole team from a year ago. Aaron Rowand (.276, 10 Raspberries) is back, hopefully to improve on a rather Ho-Hum season, Ryan Church is hopefully healthy and Jayson Werth (11 Karakas in 49 games) can hopefully provide the same production over 120 games. Ben Francisco, Luke Scott and Willie Harris provide a little depth. A little depth. Francisco, Ishikawa, Barton or Schneider will probably get the most ABs from the DH, but that sort of shows how punchless this offense could be. Cantu, Shoppach, and Werth's power help, Ishikawa and Barton's youth is encouraging, and there's help on the way in Alcides Escobar, but overall it looks to be another long year in the Lone Star State. It's better than last year, but it ain't good enough, not in this division.

42-78, 4th Place

And that's your extra special peek into the Cool Papa Bell Division. Well, we're halfway through the Aceapalooza tour, groupies- Join me next time as we swim back over the pond to the American League and the Josh Gibson Division. I wonder, wonder, wonder, who might be favored there. Hmmmmm......Until then,

Aces everyone