C.R.A.B.S. Cakes with Ace Gumley

March 29, 2010

Hey, Hey, Hey....It's Phaaaaat Acey.....and I'm gonna sing a song for you--oohh. Alright, maybe not. But, I will stick a nail in Swish's coffin (Bet her ears just perked up), and give you the almost-annual Ace Review of the C.R.A.B.S. World Famous Free Agent Draft. The ARCWFFAD. Now, other than some of the names being the same, there will be nothing similar between The Flamboyant One's review and mine. You see, with me, you get a real expert- someone who's been writing about C.R.A.B.S. since before France was liberated from the evil hands of the Nazi's and the Taliban. This expert-style review of the draft is gonna come in two parts- no...nope, too easy, kids- this first edition is for the 7 teams with the worst drafts in the league (Texas is not included in this review because they successfully seceded from the draft as an apparent slap-in-the-face to Thomas Jefferson). So, let's get started- as is our style, from the bottom right on up to the top. And with that, bottom feeders unite!.....

The needs were evident- pitching, pitching, pitching, more pitching and if those needs were met, some pitching. Coming in at number 11, the Baby Bears weren't gonna nail down an ace, but they needed to come up with three starting pitchers at least. While they did come up with two, Jon Garland and Mitch Talbot weren't exactly what I had in mind. I'll tell you- as I was sitting there in the C.R.A.B.S. draft room in the Topeka Grand Mall- the buzz from the Pre-Draft Tiffany concert still electric in the air- my first reaction when Talbot's name was called was, "Billy Crystal's character from City Slickers?" Now, if'n they'd grabbed Curly, the Cubs might be in the top 8, instead of grabbing the rear end. After the rotation, finding a closer was the next big to-do, but Jon Rauch counts as a big to-didn't. Strike two. And you know what they say, Strike me out once, shame on...shame on you. Strike me out.....well, you can't get striked out again. Brendan Ryan was brought in to backup Ryan Theriot, which he is quite qualified to do, watching the game from his backside, that is, and Chicago also brought back Mike Cameron because they had to as part of the custody hearing. Ron Belliard and Casey Kotchman will join Ryan in the dugout for rousing games of "I'm not touching you!" Right about now, I know you're asking yourself, "Ace, is there anything you like about this draft?" Well, yes there is, thank you for aksing. There are two things I like about this draft. First- that it's over. Second- the first pick by the Cubs, wee little young shortstop Starlin Castro. It was my dubious distinction to have to follow the Idaho Fall League as part of my sentence, but I'll tell you- this little guy put on a show, hitting .426 and tying for the league lead in steals for Picabo. Whatever the hell a Picabo is. The rest of this draft? Ehhh.
BEST PICK- Ain't no doubt, Starlin Castro

With only one pick in the top 56, it would've taken a Miracle on Ice replay for this draft to be any higher, but even still, it was kind of pukey. If you just take a glance at the Bermuda roster, you might think that the rotation is fully taken care of. And, I might agree. Next year. There's too many iffy kids- But, we know that choosy Moms choose iffy kids- that might not make much of a dent this year. Mostly guys with names I can'tt pronounce like Neftali and Jhoulys. Now, I'm not saying they're not good- they are- I'm just saying they might not be that good this year. Which leaves the rotation a little short, and needing a bigger shot in the arm than the erstwhile Brian Bannister can provide. With only four bodies in the outfield, some help was needed, but I'm not overly convinced that Alex Rios is going to exactly fill that bill. He should be alright, but I'd be surprised if he starts- which you would hope that the 12th pick in the draft might do, if he's going to be on the roster. Josh Willingham will probably turn out to be the better return on investment and might actually play more than Mr. Rios. Willy Aybar and Cristian Guzman will provide some able infield backup, but I was kind of hoping a solution to the Orlando Cabrera problem might be in the offing. I was horribly disappointed. The final pick, Lou Marson is an alright pick, but the White Sox dropped a big nugget on the Bermuda plans by snagging Alex Avila right before the Triangles were gonna pull the plug on him at 57. Overall, this draft helped fill out the roster, but didn't really have any oomph. And when you're in a battle for your life with Bermuda and Atlanta, you need oomph.
BEST PICK- Josh Willingham

The Braves were stuck in nowhere land. Too low of a pick to go for someone to fill a hole like Brad Penny, but too high to actually get someone worth drafting. That left Bellmore to grab the draft's number one closer, Jose Valverde- who should easily set some team save records. Or whatever statistic they compile in the bullpen. The rotation did get some help. Not real help mind you, as they reeled in John Maine, Ryan Rowland-Smith and Todd Wellemeyer. They didn't need a bigger boat, they needed some bigger sharks. The jury's out on whether they'll throw some of 'em back. If you do take into account how late they were able to get them, then it's alright. But, I'm taking into account how much they suck. Except for Smith, he's a little less suck. The bullpen was rounded out with Jason Motte, who logged a sparkling 5.37 ERA in Texas last year. Who WOULDN'T want him??? Then at 55, the Brave ones called out the name of Garrett Jones. Now, Jones could either be a steal at 55, or he could still be a bust. But, the outfield wasn't a HUGE need. I'dve rather seen Avila and then maybe a youngster with the last pick. But, to give them a little credit- and the reason why they're not tanked at the bottom- they were ready to nail it with Max Scherzer at 9 and Jenrry Mejia at 113 and were headed off at the pass by Arizona and Vegas. This wasn't ever going to be a huge draft in the Bellmore annals, but it could've helped. It didn't.
BEST PICK- The best pick was deciding to trade away four picks, leaving them with only having six, so as not to whiff even more

So, if you're in a dogfight with two other teams in your division, you might be crushed to have the fourth worst draft. Unless, your two rivals had the two worser drafts. So, by default, Atlanta is the new Bell Champeen. When you consider that Texas didn't draft anyone, that means the best draft this division had was the 12th best in the league. I guess they just can't get away from each other. Stuck in Lodi again. I'll start off by saying this draft isn't bad. Even though they're justthisfarahead of Bellmore and Bermuda, this draft did fill some holes and it did bring in two young little stars-to-be in Mr. I-can't-find-a-position Dustin Ackley and Mr. Control, Jeremy Hellickson. Score, score. At the start of the draft, the Crackuhs were in the 8-hole, which they turned around to Arizona, which resulted in the Hellickson pick and this year's closer, former Thunder Chicken Trevor Hoffman. He'll be joined by another possibility in the 9th inning in the person of Matt Lindstrom. Hoffman had a nice sub-2.00 ERA and six saves while taking off half the year to fight crime, while Lindstrom had an ouch-worthy 6.19 mark in Wild Maine last year. No wonder they're no longer Wild. Ramon Hernandez and Pat Burrell should be serviceable reserves and Colby Lewis was brought in to...ummm, he was brought in to.....he was brought in, as well. The real gems of this draft won't pay dividends until 2012 probably, but the roster was filled out with the other picks. The Arizona trade works out if Hellickson turns out, otherwise it was a missed opportunity to get an injury-waiting-to-happ...I mean, Max Scherzer.
BEST PICK- Dustin Ackley

The Red Hose picked up 18 games in the win column last season, but still took their second straight season into the O'Neil cellar. And, if it's one place you don't want to be, it's the O'Neil cellar. Ok, maybe Ed Gein's cellar, but it's a close second. Holes abound in the Sox roster, though, so having eight picks could only be a good thing, right? Have you been reading all the draft reviews up to this point? Well, this wasn't a stellar draft- No, we didn't go cellar-to-stellar- but, it is going to go a long way towards inching them closer to .500 (Which, in this division, could translate into- CHA-Ching!). Coming in at number 4, Raleigh hopped on the starting pitcher train and nabbed the third best SP in this draft in John Lackey, who should team with CC Sabathia to give the Hose the best 1-2 starters they've had since Jamie Moyer and.....to give them the best 1-2 combo they've ever had. The outfield was another sore spot with only three able bodies (And it's stretching it to call Johnny Damon an able body), so Raleigh brought in the ancient former White Sock Magglio Ordonez and a couple of iffies in Juan Pierre and Mark Kotsay. Ordonez could be a big help, Pierre and Kotsay will probably just fill some uniforms. Carlos Ruiz will be the new catcher and he will be a HUGE upgrade over the deceased Jason Varitek. To shore up a previously thin infield, Juan Uribe and Adam Kennedy bring alot of versatility and alot of not much else. But, at least they're players- that's a start. With the final pick, the Hosers went real, real far out on a limb and grabbed outfield prospect John Raynor. Which surprised me, because I thought he was my Congressman. This draft helps- Raleigh shouldn't have the holes (SEE: Wilson Betemit) that has plagued the team in recent years, and Lackey gives them some real punch at the top of the rotation.
BEST PICK- John Lackey

Alright, I know I'm going to hear it for this one, but I gotta lay the champs down here. Now, understand- this is more a victim of circumstance more than anything. That circumstance being Stephen Strasburg in a Carolina uniform. The worst kept secret since Rosie O'Donnell, everyone- EVERYONE- knew that Oakland coveted the fastballer from San Diego State. After getting sand bagged by the division rival Sand Gnats, the Athleticos had no choice but to take Roy Halladay, who helped this team absolutely nada. But, they had to take him. As everybody knows, Halladay was splintered off for a return of Jon Lester, much like the A's second pick suddenly turned into Jason Heyward. But, this isn't an after-draft review, this is a draft review. Desmond Jennings was a nice pick at six, but he's no longer here so I will no longer talk about him. Julio Borbon just might turn into the best pick in this entire draft. Or, maybe two years from now, we look back and say, "Holy crap- Borbon was taken with the 10th pick!". But, I don't think we've got Dana Eveland, Jr., on our hands, I think this kid's legit. Billy Wagner was a nice pickup at the end of the second round to round out a nice bullpen and former Hawkeye Miguel Tejada was brought in to provide A-Rod and H-Ram insurance. Which is not FDIC approved, I'll let you know. Hell, or AMA approved. Not even sure the PBA is on board. But, Tejada will provide a nice bit of production while saving a roster spot, to boot. The final pick- as has almost become as customary in Oakland as championship parades- the A's brought back longtime Athletic outfielder, Ken Griffey, Jr. for his farewell tour, following Randy Johnson's last season. Griffey, known as 'The Kid' when he debuted in Oaktown in '94, will come back as 'The Geriatric', but still packs a little punch, having hit 10 of his 352 career homeruns last season in Raleigh. He may not be 'The Kid' anymore, but what- you think he's gonna cost them a four-peat? Not. Wasn't much they could've done to save this draft after they got buggered by Carolina, when you get hosed, you get hosed.
BEST PICK- Julio Borbon

Defending their O'Neil Division championship is beginning to be quite the chore for the Chicks, what with Maine improving by leaps and bounds and Chicago....well, Chicago is still Chicago. I'm thinking that maybe the Chicks needed to make a bit of a splash here to keep their division shine, but I don't think this is the draft they needed. Granted, they didn't pick until 22 of the alleged best players in the draft were already off the board, but they still didn't get alot of help this year. We very well may look back in a few years and pick this draft as the one that sent this team onto a string of division titles, because they did bring in some nice prospects in Dan Hudson, Shelby Miller, Phillipe Aumont, Eric Young and especially Alex Liddi. But, none of those guys, save maybe Hudson and Young are going to help at all this year. So, we take the prospects off the board and we are left with.....Vicente Padilla, Ian Snell and Rob Johnson. Not exactly John Lackey. Alright well, Padilla could help. Snell might help. Johnson was pretty good when he took over the reigns from Doug Flutie in Buffalo, but I'm not sure how good he'll be behind the dish. Like I said- this draft will pay dividends before too long, just not this year. But, being the defending division champs, I've grading on a curve, man. Scarlett Johansen's curves, particularly, and while they look goooood, I'm gonna have to leave them here as the best of the worst. Someday, this draft will look better. Maybe if I close one eye....
BEST PICK- Alex Liddi

That's the bottom of the barrel, folks. Tune in.....real soon, to find out the top eight, and the....(dramatic music).....2010 Official Ace's Best of C.R.A.B.S.' World Famous Free Agent Draft. Alright, the name may be a bit of a drag. But, the suspense isn't!

Until then,

Aces Everyone