C.R.A.B.S. Cakes with Ace Gumley

March 25, 2011

'Ow you dooooen'? It's me, Ace, back for the final time from the Sheen Mansion for our neverending four-part series detailing the C.R.A.B.S. Free Agent Draft, which took place roughly six years ago. Maybe it just seems like it since the one thing we don't do at Hotel de Sheen (The ONLY thing we don't do at Hotel de Sheen) is sleep. I'm sure we've set some sort of Guiness record, I just ain't sure anyone would ever want to know about it. Seriously, the Romans would've looked away in horror, trust me. Anyway, back to the draft. Previously on C.R.A.B.S. Cakes, we went over the bottom 15 of C.R.A.B.S.' 20 drafters, so this week we receive our just rewards. No, not free Snuggies, sorry. It's with great unenthusiastic pleasure that I introduce you to- C.R.A.B.S. Top Five drafts, starting with Numero Five-0....

With the injuries mounting on a daily basis, the Vegas Rays went from needing just a few spare parts to qualify for their sixth consecutive postseason to needing a big influx of talent to replace the weenies with the boo-boos. Mission accomplished. Two new fireballin' aces come aboard in the forms of Jered Weaver and Ricky Romero, who should be able to do a nice impression of Wainwright-Carpenter (Except for the owies). The O-Dog, Orlando Hudson, came in late as Chase Utley insurance, which apparently is a lot cheaper than Flood Insurance. Realizin' that they ain't not did have a catcher to speak of (So, I won't speak of 'em)- The D-Rays snapped up everyone's favorite J.P. (Sorry, J.P. Morgan)- Arencibia and the drafts' lone faux Frenchie in Claude Lemieux or something like that. D'Artagnon? I don't know. Honestly, I really don't care. But, they got a couple of squatters behind the dish now, anywho. The faux fish (With the faux Frenchie- hoo-hoo, I kill myself!), secured a barbed future with a couple of hittin' youngsters in shortstop Manny Machado and soon-to-be-outfielder Jonathan Singleton. Machado, in particular, I see as being a non-roided up A-Rod (So, that's a No-Roid A-Rod if you're counting at home), someday. The Rays killed this draft- replaced the boo-boo's, added some catchers and threw in some future for good measure. Charlie likey.

BEST PICK- Jered Weaver, a steal at 13
CHARLIE SHEEN'S (DUH) WINNING CRAP SCALE- 8 CRAP Points

Going into the draft everyone knew who the top 4 picks would be. EVERYONE. Heck, even Mel Kiper, Jr. got it right, that's how transparent it was. The wild card was this little team from the bright lights. They could've gone anywhere- Kershaw, Kemp, Ethier, Martha Plimpton. Nobody knew. So, the Knights pulled out their Surprise guns and shocked the world by nabbing Justin Morneau at number five. Don't get me wrong, the Canuck became the best offensive player in Knights' history the minute his name was announced, but there's some major risk involved here. See, Mr. Morneau missed most of last year and a good portion of Spring Training recovering from a concussion. And today's head injuries aren't exactly your Grandfather's head injuries. Ya can't just rub some 'Tussin and dirt on it. Concussions have ended the careers of many a player I've never heard of. And the Knights play in the same league as those notorious headhunters, the Alabama Slammers. Anyone forget last season's fracaas when Josh Beckett whopped Alex Rodriguez right upside the ego? I thought not. Anyway- Morneau- High Risk, High Reward. From there the Knights decided to secure an outfield, of which they previously had none. Problem was, they didn't pick again until 40-something players were off the board. So, of course, you're thinking more Tony Gwynn, Jr's and Ryan Langerhans, right? Well you're wrong, Bucko! Try Torii Hunter and the powerhitting Vernon Wells, my friend! Combine those two with NY's last pick- Hidecki Matsui- that's what we call an Instant Outfield. Just add water and a little Geritol. In between, the K's brought in some pitchers, the only one that really matters is Brandon Webb, another risk-reward sitch. All in all, a HUGE influx of talent (and offense). This quite simply was the Knights finest draft EVAHHHH.

BEST PICK- Vernon Wells
CHARLIE SHEEN'S (DUH) WINNING CRAP SCALE- 8.1 CRAP Points

I'm gonna asterisk'ses this little puppy. Ganderin' at this draft, I thought the G-men solidified themselves for 2011 and really set themselves up for future Paige contention. And then managment traded all of my favorite picks save one. Charlie's not even happy with this one, and honestly he has no clue what's going on. Three players that were really going to help the Friscans from challenging the worst record of all time were Mark Reynolds, Jason Kubel and Brett Gardner. Gone, gone and gone. If the pre-draft war room strategy was to have a kick-arse draft and then kill it to secure the top pick in the 2012 draft, Mission Accomplished! So, the G's traded away 2011, but they do still have the bright futures of speedster Mike Trout, first sacker Brandon Belt, outfielder Aaron Hicks and shortstop Dee Gordon (Little known fact, but Dee is the son of former Gotham Police Commissioner Gordon). And that group didn't even include my favorite future pick of the Bay People, pitcher Jameson Taillon, who should someday exactly resemble Jameson Taillon. Now, that's a nice future, ain't no doubt about it. Question is will the fans stick around after witnessing C.R.A.B.S. first 100-game losers? My guess is probably yes, mostly because people are stupid. Bottom line- loved the draft, hated the ensuing destruction.

BEST PICK- Brett Gardner
CHARLIE SHEEN'S (DUH) WINNING CRAP SCALE- 8.4 CRAP Points

Our top-rated draft by an expansioner, the Marlins simply did not miss on any of their picks (I'm not counting the Tim Stauffer pick). Already the best expansion team coming into the draft, Miami added talent, talent and more talent- so much so that they are a legitimate Bell contender and could conceivably threaten the expansion record of 70 wins by something called the Roseville Rowdies way back in 1895. The M's grabbed starters in outfielder Matt Kemp (Who should become Mr. Marlin very soon), shortstop Stephen (I'm not J.D.) Drew and Old Man River hisself, catcher Jorge Posada. With the addition of those three, the Miamiinians have no weaknesses in the field. None. I dare you to find one. Because you can't. But, that's not all, Chip. The fish seriously bolstered their rotation with the additions of newly-minted ace Mat Latos, the ever unpredictable A.J. Burnett and that Stauffer guy. They even scored late with Posada's future replacement Devin Mesoraco, future thumper Anthony Rizzo and Alexander Hamilton's son, Billy. The fish got better NOW- and with some young talent, no less- they got better in the future, and they just put their stamp on the Bell for years to come. There's only one way to have a better draft than this one. And that's by having almost every pick in the top 10. Which brings us to....

BEST PICK- Mat Latos
CHARLIE SHEEN'S (DUH) WINNING CRAP SCALE- 8.5 CRAP Points

After four consecutive World Series appearances- including three consecutive championships- everyone was just left wondering- "What would happen if the former Oaklanders could just add some talent?" Well, wonder no longer, Curious George. What do you get the team that has everything (Including a roster of catchers as long as....well, it's long, trust me)? Why, Robinson Cano, duh. Cano almost immediately becomes the best Croc player not named Hamilton or Ramirez. Or Cabrera. But, the grabbag didn't stop there. Sydney then added the top prospect in the draft (Our apologies to Mr. Trout) in Superman Bryce Harper and the best hitting catching prospect in Jesus Montero. Roy Oswalt also came aboard in the first round to become the league's best number three. You want a closer? How about Billy Wagner clone Craig Kimbrel? No? How about the best closer in the history of the universe in Mariano Rivera (Who's since been traded to Nicaragua)? You want another catching prospect (Hank Conger)? How about a young firstbaseman (Juan Miranda)? A quality rotation filler (Scott Baker)? Could I interest you in a Grade A pitching prospect (Kyle Gibson) or a young shortstop (Jose Iglesias)? The Crocs took a bite out of the draft and just kept on nipping. And then they turned Gibson, Miranda, Baker & Co., around to Chicago for Logan Morrison. This was an embarrasment of riches. If a draft could be alive, this one would be filled with Tiger Blood, ain't no doubt. The only reason I didn't give them a perfect 10 is because Charlie said he's the only special 10 kick-ass rock star around.

BEST PICK- Robinson Cano
CHARLIE SHEEN'S (DUH) WINNING CRAP SCALE- 9.6 CRAP Points

That's it, I'm done, folks. I'm out of here- considered yourself all entertained up! I'm sure I'll be back shortly with a pre-season preview (Of preposterous porpotions, no doubt), but now that you've gotten your full share of entertainment, I'll leave you in the totally incapable hands of that twit, Swish...

Until next time,

Aces Everyone